dark and backward abysm of time

the reflection

2008-03-26T20:09:00.005+08:00

I feel like i've taken an old book off the shelf, dusted it off and started reading again only to find i knew exactly where i stopped, and how it felt at that point.
so much has transpired in that gap, yet i can't say it's been too long. if this is in any way a reflection of me and who i am then i wonder.... i wonder if there wld be a difference btwn the person in the mirror, and the person looking into it....i'm probably not articulating my thoughts well and in that process doing no justice to what i'm on about. but to be fair it's still a bit of a muddle in my head.
maybe i shldn;t dust off the old book and continue from where i left off.
maybe i should start a new book. Start on a new page, and tell a new story..
One of strength, positivity..challenges,fears,insecurities and achievements, both big and small. A story of renewal and revelations... and humility. of memories for the past, lessons for the future.. and hope and faith, more than ever before, for the glorious present.
everything is happening just as it should. and for no reason at all, this, i'm sure of.

on a more normal note..i'm glad blogspot autosaves drafts..too many of my precious posts have been lost in cyber space..somewhere in the dark hole between being written and being published. these days one can't take even small joys for granted.

To be or not to be

2007-02-21T17:27:00.000+08:00

Feel like im standing at the edge of something much too deep..can't see the path ahead and yet i know i have to move. it's just so comfortable,where i am right now. there's safety in familiarity,in family,in friends...yet i must move.i just wish i had a better idea of what lies ahead..of which path to take..but i guess every path will lead somewhere. perhaps the point is the journey itself and the destination will work itself out.
one can hope.

non sequitur

2007-02-20T09:42:00.000+08:00

So we're down to the last night of the long CNY hols...its been a good break and Its been nice to have a little time to do everything i've been wanting to fr a while now..catch up on reading, (and marking!) and enjoying leisurely time with family adn friends..and more importantly time to do nothing at all. to just be still and relax..i think its restful. of coz there are times one craves action and a stretch of non ending plans and engagements..being kept so busy you don;t really have time to think. i must admit it is quite nice to be on a roll, to feel like your doing so many things..stretched to the max but i think it makes you feel alive. and then there are days when you don't really want to do anything at all or be with anyone else but yourself.
This song's playing rite now..random selection :
'So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same
You're gone from here,
soon you will disappear,
fading into beautiful light
Cos everybody's changing and
I don't feel right'
Its funny how we sometimes, the very lines we hear or read several times, just suddenly come together and find a whole new level of meaning in your life. It makes sense like it never has and just like that something clicks. It's happened before...be it a quote or a few lines frm a book or lyrics of a song..and then you're stuck in a moment with the words ringing in your head like an incessant buzz and then you feel like you're entire life is a music video :S now that's strange really.

what i appreciated most these hols was the quiet..its been overwhelming. and it's almost over..tmrw it's back to reality. back to sniffy, coffy,whiny 8 yr olds..who see me glaring at them when theyre chattering away during assembly and pretend to ignore me (this is when i calmly walk up to them and drag them out of their blissful ignorance *of me*)..those who get dust in their eye and cry coz it hurts to open them and then cry somemore coz they don't know wht else to do..those who can't sit still in class or stand still during the national anthem...when every little thing is a major complaint, frm 'he pushed me!' to ' he said the s-word!' ie shut up or stupid.

sigh...yep..tmrw life goes back to normal.
cheers.

The Fall and If

2006-11-22T12:42:00.000+08:00

The Fall

Leaves crisp and tainted brown
From the still autumn sky fall down
The smell of wet earth in the air
Trees standing oh so bare
like kings abandoned by their crowns

How long since the blossoms of spring
How long the wait
Till spring blossoms again

- Anon (2001)

"And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

- 'If' By Rudyard Kipling

Song in my head

2006-11-18T10:30:00.000+08:00

Can't get seem to get this out of my head ....

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?........

........I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

speak singrish campaign

2006-10-19T12:57:00.000+08:00

Speak Singlish somemore?!

Sgn Mrt Station
Little ah-seng shop (chinese version of mama-shop)

Enter jazz and epiphobic.

Jazz to the bored shop-aunty : Aunty,Green-tea please
Aunty : (Looking through the racks of drinks & holds up a bottle of green tea)....Bottle can?
Jazz & Epiphobic : Can , can
Aunty : (puts the bottles back inside, looks around somemore and produces 2 cans of green tea)

Jazz points out the lost-in-communication caamedy-time to epi, in tamil. Epi notices that the cans have replaced the bottles, registers the linguistic gap and cracks up *in retrospect it might have been in reaction to jazz's tamil prowess*. Eitherway, she gets a giggle-fit and flees the shop.Jazz is stuck there, stifling her own guffaws in vain and paying for the drinks, while trying to ignore the shop-aunty's dirty looks the whole time.

Perfect way to drive home the point....who needs phua chu kang?

the photogenic award

2006-10-05T21:31:00.000+08:00

Dont say i didnt warn you...remember these words?
"*looks at the classic shot of burps spread out on the gymball (details on the gymball will come later), resembling some odd and exotic cross breed btwn a lizard and a sloth..eyes bulging, looking like it cldnt decide if it was :
1) dying a slow painful death
2) reflecting on its life and its numerous traumatic experiences
3) Attempting to do yoga"?? Well...that was it

Anyway...this is not a real post. just wanted to share proof of that with the world. thanks ms yogajunkie for making this post possible, with that inimitable pose. you are truly, the one and only ms.photogenic.

Bombinate

2006-10-02T21:11:00.000+08:00

What a strange word...audio-visually it suggests nothing along the lines of wht it means - to drone on.
on the contrary,it sounds quite instantaneous ..like a crash or some kind of blast.maybe oz of the bomb part.
hmm.
can't wait for grey's anatomy. it's an hour of distraction from the thoughts that weigh me down after dark on a monday night - i dont want to go back to sch tomorrow...
that voice sure can bombinate...i didnt know monday blues lasted till monday night :S
its October already (how did that happen..?) i remember reading this poem once..a long poem by ..ok i forget..anyway..it starts of with " i cannot but remember when the year grows old..october november...something something"..when the year grows old...nice. This month is going to be when it all culminates..need to rush the remaining syllabus,the unfinished exercises & the c.r.a.p, i mean creative, remarkable answers by prodigies which i'm gonna have to mark,the thought of which already makes me shudder. *shudders*
it wld also signal the almost-end of my almost-one-year teaching stint. Its been enriching and eventful and educational...erm..no puns there.
ok what else..i miss my friends. all of em.
The haze these few days has been terrible. Everything seems foggy and unclear.Smells of smoke too. Actuallly, October does kind of bring the idea of foggy gloomy weather to mind. Interesting. Let October go...November brings the happy chimes of wedding bells once again.
...ok..i dont wanna bombinate any further...heh..
ta!
oh - parting shot...

Reflection - by Shel Silverstein
Each time I see the Upside-Down Man
Standing in the water,
I look at him and start to laugh,
Although I shouldn't oughtter.
For maybe in another world
Another time Another town,
Maybe HE is right side up
And I am upside down.

flicker

2006-09-22T00:49:00.000+08:00

Ok.so i've signed in and clicked on new post and managed to type.good enough for a feeble attempt? maybe not but its a start ...i might not be awake but i've stirred :pi' hope to be back soon to write more when it flows better, feels more natural,and when i don't spend more time pausing than typing...pardon the preamble. i'll be back.and hopefully this time it wont take 3 months.note to bubs : i guess this is hardly rewarding after all your prodding and poking (read:encouragement). waht can i say, u asked fr it! maybe i shld stick to reading the wonderful stuff you and mouldkins have to say - far more inspiring really.
:)

just like that

2006-06-19T00:38:00.000+08:00

its odd how we cld feel so close to someone- sharing so much, feeling so closely connected and knowing so much abt the day-to-day trivialities of one's life, as well as the random deep thoughts,fears etc that we're inclined to share with those we hold close.
And then things can change, just like that leaving u feeling estranged and distant,and wondering what it is about these ties that bind, that can totally disentangle the very people it connected in the 1st place.
odd...

Q and A

2006-06-11T16:07:00.000+08:00

Since i have nothing else original to post about...i thought i might as well do this.
So..here goes...

How tall are you barefoot? NEXT!
Have you ever smoked heroin? nope! Latest reinforcement,the pic of Whitney Houston.I would hate not being control of my own life.
Do you own a gun? So often I wish I did.
What do you think of hot dogs? Craving fr the IKEA ones.even the hotdogs there are DIY.
What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Milk … or Tea.
Do you do push-ups? NO.Have you ever done ecstacy?nope.
Do you like painkillers? If they help the pain, then yea I cld like them.
What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? looks puzzled…lure?what lure?
Name the last 3 things you have bought? Very exotic pair of drops..which looks like pure rock thts been painted over. And a nice tote bag. I guess I’m still looking for the 3rd thing..
What time did you wake up today? 9am. I had tuition and harldy any choice
Where would you like to go? SO MANY PLACES. But rite now, fr practical reasons to Australia and I hope that happens according to plan.
Where do you think you’ll be in 10 yrs? I need alot more imagination for this one..
Last thing you ate? Multigrain bread with margarine and home made kaya.not made in my home of coz.
Would you be a pirate? No. I need to have regular baths.
Last time you had an alcoholic drink? Very long ago…last year I think
What songs do you sing in the shower? Whichever’s playing on my mind at that point
What did you fear was going to get you at night when you were a child? Dolls.thanks to that movie of the same name. I still try not to have dolls or stuffed toys lying around my bed.
What’s in your pockets right now?nothing.
Last thing that made you laugh? Something my brother said...it's usually dumb enough and yet humourous enough
How many TVs do you have in your house? 1. my mom’s a nazi.
Does someone have a crush on you? Nope. I doubt it.
Do you wish on stars? Always. But only on the the 1st one I see so that I can see the rhyme.strange beleifs we hold on to :)
What song do you want played at your wedding? The book of love. Or is that cliché?maybe by then I’d have another song which I can relate to. Something light hearted and non mushy I hope. Slap me if I forget I said this.
What song do you want played at your funeral? Something happy and light hearted, or Think of me from the phantom of the opera…(I have no idea why)..or Amazing Grace if i can't think of anything else...mouldy I love that Oasis stand by me song! Remember singing it in NY during the orientation.
What were you doing 12AM last night? I think I was already asleep…
Do you love the pain a tattoo brings? NO.
Like the feeling of being loved? Yea..i guess I could get used to it :)

lukewarm

2006-05-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

You know ..when you get so used to writing only when things are either scorchingly hot or death cold...that moderate climate paralyses you and sucks into a drugged sedentary lifestyle...when days have been bleeding into each other,and conglomerating into months at end, of uneventful routine, you don't know what to think of it. you dont know how to deal with it and you certainly have nothing to say about it. coz you start fading into the backdrop of your own life..camouflaging with the non events and drifting along with the time - where day blends into night blends into day.

So you've just read the epiphobic new english dictionary definition of writer's block.

these are the days when even big things and events lose significance and seem dull and bane...nothing seems earthshatteringly urgent or important and your strangely numb. It's quite peaceful this comatose state..though you feel the emptiness all the time like the feeling you have when there's water in your ear...you can hear but you sound far away even to yourself...and no matter waht you do, the water's always there...bubb bubb bubb..you cant drain it out, shake it out or shut it out.
you get used to it...this sedated unaffected existance...after a while it requires too much effort to reach out and communicate and you're not motivated to even try..dialling a number or writing an email seems to take too much out of you.when you don't stay awake fr too long or don't get up and start doing things, you eventually eventually drift back to sleep..you succumb.
then you wake up someday....
perhaps its rain when you least expect it...or its a gust of wind on an unusually hot and humid day..or just a gentle breeze - something hits you and you stir, if just for a moment.

and then you write something that sounds curiously like this and go back to sleep.

"....that, when I waked,I cried to dream again."
- caliban, always a mystery.

Soliloquay

2006-04-10T15:15:00.000+08:00

Thoughts & 'wh'-questions

When i'd get to catch up on the sleep i lost somewhere between last night and this morning.
Why i'm still sleepy at night despite having slept the whole afternoon
Why should i even bother taking a nap when i'm probably going to be sleepy by dinnertime
Whether i have narcolepsy or insomnia (terminology courtesy of aspiring psychologist Dr Kotwani, thanks mould)
Why the hell are there days i cant sleep the entire night, and yet on days i take a nap so i can stay awake, i can fall asleep ridiculously early and sleep like i'm rip van winkle's granddaughter
What's up with that?!
What would it take to look like Oprah Winfrey on her show - i manage to look like her 'before' picture, but never like the 'after' - not even after a shampoo bath and tedious attempts to style my hair
Last but not least...
When are we having lunch/dinner/tea/brunch/tunch, ah bubs?Tks fr ur invite, i gladly accept.....and yes,I'm itching to write abt my 25th b'day & (yet another) well planned & expertly executed b'day surprise ..but i lack the mood,inspiration and words :s
And did i mention energy???Just finished yelling at insolent and idiotic pri 3s and innocent yet sometimes irritating pri 1s.
Actuallly no lah...i take half of that back. the p1s are cute.

After this rubbish post, i hope i hve something more intelligent and less crappy to say next time i'm back here...
:s
can the 2 goondots who dragged me bck here pls lead by example and gimme some much needed inspiration!?!!!

eidelweiss

2006-03-06T12:41:00.000+08:00

thought of the day

u think uve got it made...finally feel grownup and important...little things half ur height run around reaching up to ur knees...they literally look up to you/at you...they call u teacher and mean it. (they respect you u like to think)...they actually listen whn u finally manage to get their attention (does not mention tht u need to screech at them at the top of ur lungs or hit the duster against the whiteboard to get their attention).
So you're a teacher (relief or otherwise, she adds, with contempt) and your beginning to feel the part...sitting in a well furnished, comfy work area in a comfortable staffroom well protected from the noise and constant hullabaloo that rages outside these silent walls (soundproofing im certain)...thank god fr tht or all teachers will eventually go deaf as a snake...by the end of the working day u dont want to hear a sound...not even the odd adorable high pitched deceptively innocent 'bye teacher!!!!' from a deceptively innocent primary 1 kiddo....not even the sound of paper rustling or shoes shuffling along distant corridors...sometimes ur head adn ears hurt so bad, u dont even wanna hear the sound of silence....nothin....zilch. and just when you think uve blocked everything out, the high notes of the 'used to be considered melodious and pleasant' eidelweiss song fill the air...how it rackles. now dont mistake me, eidelweiss is a lovely song to be sung during some random music lesson or to listen to when your watching the sound of music fr the umpteenth time....it is NOT ok as the sickening school bell at the end/start of every bluddy period of every single day...esp not when it preempts noise, screaming,movement and more noise.
So anyway im thinking, im sitting here at my desk...i have my own laptop...and guess what...i realise i can't download/install msn or yahoo mesenger...not even web messenger...so whts the damn point of me having this lappy all to myself rite??!its administrator disabled...and this is the kinda autonomy trust and liberty your granted as a teacher?!?so what is one expected to do during the rare free period when you dont wanna look at another badly written/spelt/coloured piece of work??read a book silently??colour the page???sit with ur finger on ur lips??anything but msn huh....i think its just this sch tho...another friend of mine who was teaching at a sec. sch fr a while got all the privelege of internet access at ur own desk...well...inequality is another issue altogether.
contrary to common belief and presumption...i like this. i really do. when the squeaky hiiiigh pitched voiced squeals out from the crowd 'byeee teeeeacherrrr!!!'....when cliffy looks at me knowing im breaking out into an inevitable adoring smile, and he purses his lips, eyes defiant and cheeky , trying to decide if he should smile back or not..when kutie ktig gives me the irresistable wide grin, msing teeth and all... and i am hit by awwww and 'wait a sec, this isnt me, i dont really like kids' at once.when i tell kids during assembly to be quiet and pay attention (and they listen)..when i casually say 'hi' to the kids as i pass em by and they dont feel they have to get into 'ostrich mode' - (i really dnt stand for the 12th century china style bow students here greet teachers with).i even like hearing old fond and nearly forgotten terms like recess and tuckshop and sch dentist and basketball court. of late even the pledge and national anthem seem to have taken on renewed significance.
oh yea...i like it..i do....its just a short stint and perhaps that's why....for now,for all it's worth, i guess i cld continue to like it while it lasts...

In my shoes

2006-01-22T09:30:00.000+08:00

So yep its been quite a while... we've gone into next year infact. So here's the inspiration, just a few lines of poetry...

' here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
i carry it in my heart'

watched 'in her shoes' with the mo and paw paw (as she would rather not be known)..very spontaneous decision to catch a show..i'm glad we did.It was nice watching a movie again after so long, its really been ages...and these lines really stayed with me.
Been thinking alot about feet and shoes...prolly coz my feet have been killing me the past few days...heels have never been good news...heightened pain, that's all it is. But yet, time and again, my own logic fails me when i'm deciding which pair to slip on when i'm late in the mornings. Vanity plus lateness results in lameness - interpret that any way u like.
I need to go for a proper pedicure...when u think so much on ur feet, they deserve to be pampered.
There isnt much time for introspection or idle pondering these days..(welcome to the working world my mom would say)...sometimes its depressing, after having that much free time - the luxury of it all, being accountable to nooone but myself and having all that time to spend the way i liked, entirely as i wished. Luxury is a notion which reveals itself in retrospect. Now any time i have to myself, i want to catch up on sleep or catch up with friends & family. Often I'm torn between the 2.
But there's something fulfilling at the end of the day, despite the exhaustion, over and above it. I just hope that will sustain me. Coz when that runs out, i'll know i'm running low on fuel.
Ok how's that for a come-back blogpost.... yea fine,not great, but hey its a start!and i hope there'll be more to come!

Toodlooo..

Go Boho!

2005-12-23T14:23:00.000+08:00

Dear bohomaniacs,
As promised, the boho party pics - finally released in the screens nearest to you!

It just dsnt get crazier than this!

Ode to thee

2005-12-04T11:12:00.000+08:00

Kanthapura O kanthapura
How I love thee
How can i ever express my
undying love and dedication
How inadequate words can be

I see you more and more these days
And yet it never seems enough
My commitment to thee
gets stronger with each passing day
1st thing in the morning and last thing at night
that i'll see this to the end is all that i pray

Kanthapura O Kanthapura
My love for thee
is like a cloud always hanging over me
I cannot type another word, or turn the next page
Let's just leave the next chapter out of the question
It's now a matter of fight or flight
And I must confess i'm tempted to flee

Kanthapura O kanthi poneh pura
Will i ever be done with thee
When will this end - this epic love affair
It's getting to be more than i can bear
When will i be ever free
(read : rid of thee)

Note to all who know what im on about : YES i'm STILL typing - don't give me that look! I promised myself i'll be done by the end of the month - ie year. Don't laugh!

Quiet contemplation

2005-11-26T03:45:00.000+08:00

O, the comfort -- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person,
Having neither to weigh thoughts,Nor measure words
but pouring them right out -- just as they are
Chaff and grain together,
Certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them
Keep what is worth keeping
And with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.

-- Friendship, Dinah Craik

Its important every so often to just stay very still...calm your mind and spirt..and listen to the absolute silence around you. Coz that's when you hear yourself..the thoughts you dind;t know were percolating within, or the ones you wouldnt otherwise even think out loud..perhaps this is the time when answers (to prayers) or solutions to ur latest preoccupation or any kind of inspiration is revealed to you..and it dsnt take much to miss it. It could be anything, your conscience or God's voice or your own inner being - whichever pleases you- be still, be calm, at peace with yourself and u just might hear it...Or maybe it dsnt require that much effort afterall..Perhaps we should just be comfortable talking to/with ourselves (or God) and we might just be able to make it a part of our existance, daily routine which we rarely give that much thought to.
Ive been thinking, so often we're so busy trying to fill our days and moments with activities (i for one am guilty of this) and sometimes our need to communicate with everyone else is just so great that the silence in between is heavy and most disturbing (guilty as charged, again) i personally feel uncomfortable when there's a prolonged silence or lack of activity/interaction etc. Probably indicative of a restless spirit?Maybe. If only we cld draw the line between being passive and detached and not meddling with the random forces or altering the natural course of 'the plan' (some divine plan that we must have faith in, for hope, afterall,is all we have)..and knowing when to get into action mode, be proactive and take life in ur own hands. Then again, being still and peaceful might just be you being dormant and inert and very disillusioned.
It's not about being spiritual or to meditate or anything like that...i've always been amazed by the crocodile's ability to lie so still...sooo incredibly still that potential prey don't even realise it's a potential and tremendously potent threat until its too late. Hard to say it's meditating or praying...and one could hardly attribute a soul to crocs, certainly not when it stays soo still only to pounce on its meal with astonishing force and speed...but hey who's any authority on who/what has a soul or doesnt right.
Crocs are such fascinating creatures...
So I digress ...well anyway, this has just been me thinking out loud...
Rest assured, ive not exactly attained nirvana or anything, and my computer chair is no bodhi tree...nowhere close...just happens to be a particularly still night - well its almost dawn now- have run out of music to play and there's noone on msn.So its q.u.i.e.t. So i decided to let myself hear me think.
Incidentally, its been said that when u start to hear voices in ur head, its evidence enough that you're losing the plot, in other words, going stark mad.
How interesting. Rather ironic too.

....And then there was silence.....

So long and thanks for all the fish

2005-11-22T02:32:00.000+08:00

Funny how things worked out in the end..I actually made it to the airport and waved till i saw the last of them...i dind't even think i'd have a chance to pop in to her home and say bye to my best friend who's just gotten married and is now probably on the flight to the uk, where she's moving to, for good. I'm used to her coming and going and each time i tell myself its no big deal coz shes gonna be back in a month (3 max) anyway...this time round, however its impossible to console myself with that thought. She will be back in 3 months im quite certain of that, coz her parents wld want her home..but that isnt the issue...the irreversible change here is the fact that she's married. We've all been so preoccupied and busy with the wedding that we underestimated the concept of her being married...which of coz is a life altering event so one can never be prepared for how it hits you..It's not necessarily a bad kinda change..no need for pessimism and melodrama and too much melancholy.its a good thing, and im very happy for her. but im just human and there's jst a tiny part of me that's not exactly..embracing this erm..development.But hey noone said we had to luv every single change in our life, important thing is gettnig used to it anyway right. I'm not hoping to be best friends with the husband overnight..but overtime i think we might become friends and i just hope we'll have that kinda time on our side.
I don't think im losing my best friend..ive just got to accept that things will definitely change and they already have..i can't call her room any time of the morning & night like i used to..i cldnt just walk in and plop myself on her bed...i cldnt lounge around like it was my room as much as it was hers..perhaps theyre all self-imposed restrictions and i dont have to be so finicky..but in this area, i'd rather err on the side of caution..maintaining a respectable distance i think is the best way to maintain close relations...
It was so bizarre and surreal being at the airport..especially when i wasnt intending to go - a rather deliberate decision on my part.But i guess i just went with the flow, there was no time to think and entertain paranoia.. and perhaps it was just meant to be that way...thanks to dv for his impulsive move to jump into the car and get me in as well. I'm so glad he did. Like he said, its some kinda closure.
Its probably no big deal at all...and perhaps i sound like a teenage drama queen...but its hard saying goodbye..when there's sooo much that's been left unsaid,and you dont know where to begin...when you're not sure what u can and should say ...whn ur wondering when u might actually get ur chance to say it all...when your both wondering if the days of reckless abandon, of sharing every single insignificant detail and analysing every bit of some incident are over...when she looks at you funny and hugs you like neither one of us wants to let go. its hard saying goodbye..but well life goes on..and times like this its important to put things in perspective.
It is perhaps not goodbye, but take care and its just a matter of time till we meet again. Sure things will change..for what's left if not for change..but hey...somethings will always remain and that i will cherish...
"How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to."- Unknown
I beleive i should punctuate my life with commas and .... instead of fullstops..so there's always something more to come and nothnig ever reallly is the end.
"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning."
so lavs...here's wishing you a glorious married life....and in honour of all the evenings- all those yrs ago, when we were 12 and clueless- that we spent browsing in bestsellers bookshop in gardens, (THE highlight of our happening social lives)
"so long and thanks for all the fish."
We didint know it then, but i guess we were always meant to have lasted this long.
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. "--Douglas Adams

ps : she's probably gonna kill me for this pic - but i cldnt's resist!

Bored enough

2005-11-11T10:24:00.000+08:00

Why im doing this
1) I'm bored enough
2) I've been tagged & and i'm a tag-abiding individual *smirks at yogajunkie*

Seven things I hope to achieve before I die :
1)Learn Indian Classical vocal
2)Learn Hindi
3)Become skinny...ok fine..just lose SOME weight.
4)Publish - short story,poem,book,my phd thesis...anything!
5)Discover some phenomenon- a real research breakthrough
6)Look back & be happy about my life
7)Be able to enjoy being silent and alone.
Cant resist no 8) Learn cooking

Seven things I can do
1)Write
2)Sing (in the shower & when i'm positive noone's listening)
3)Have all-niter phone conversations
4)Be painfully honest & brutally frank (contrary to common belief)
5)Make polite conversation for pretty long till i almost die of boredom
6) Laugh at the most inappropriate situations
7) Go without sleep for a few nights in a row

Seven things I can’t do
1)Public Speaking
2) Lie without my face betraying me
3) Stifle my laughter/Keep a straight face when i most need to
4) Bring stuff close to my eyes, like contact lenses
5) Sit cross legged
6)Dance
7) stop buying earrings

Seven things that attract me to people of the opposite (and same) sex
1) Good naturedness/genuinity - it shows on the face
2) Being comfortable with themselves and others
3) Common courtesy/manners/chivalry
4)Thoughtfulness
5)Intellect/Wit
6) Intrinsic Calmness
7)Warm Smile that reaches the eyes

Seven things that scare me
1) ok im not thaaaaaaat bored. Sides this requires more thinking than i'm prepared to do now...and if i go down this lane, i'm gonna end up reminding myself about things that scare me and hence end up feeling disturbed. now why would i wanna do that?!

Seven things i say the most
1)Sheesh
2)Damn
3)Shoot
4)Goondot
5)Toad
6)Don't be a twit
7)Really ah?!

Seven random things about me
1)I've taken carnatic music,bharatanatyam,violin & art classes (discontinued within 1 to 2 yrs) but can do none of the above.
2) My violin teacher ran away to India without telling me.
3)I don't really like kids
4)I fall asleep only after i turn on my belly
5)I luv bittergourd cooked in any form
6)I love dark chocolate & bitter coffee (not together)
7) Masala Tea is my favourite rainy-day drink

Seven tags go to
I dont know 7 ppl but the following ppl could do this coz i'm bored.
Mouldybaby
Yogajunkie
Nunbun
Whoever else is interested or bored enuff.

sleepy

2005-10-26T20:10:00.000+08:00

Im just feeling sleepy all the time..i'm sleepy as i write this, i'm sleepy the minute i wake up in the morning...right so who am i kidding, i mean afternoon, i 'm sleepy again later in the afternoon and i find every lame pathetic excuse to justify the nap that i crave coz quite simply after a point i just can't keep my eyes open. And when i wake up frm my snooze i'm still sleepy and what's worse, i get sleepy at night earlier than usual after allll that sleep!!
I know there are way too many 'sleepy' words in the above para...i'm getting sleepy reading it but then again im always sleepy anyways. I think its tms - too much sleep syndrome as my sis pointed out to me..it makes sense..when i barely get decent hours of sleep at night, when i'm running on overdrive mode, i'm perfectly fine, alert and awake. just grant me the luxury of so much as a nap and i'm all of a sudden transformed into rip van winkle the 2nd - i was tempted to say sleeeping beauty but instincts were against it.
Im sleepier than my mom on a rainy sunday afternoon ... more than my dog gets when you scratch him on the belly...i'm getting quite hopeless lah. it's either a normal part of the ageing process, or somethnig is damn wrong with me.. if only sleep was a sport...sigh, if only. I watched somethnig on tv yest, when an interviewee, who lost his wife on the bus that blew up during the London attacks said 'the 2 most powerful words in the eng language are 'if' and 'only'. How understatedly profound.
Anyways before i get sleepy and head right back to bed, where i came from just a little while ago, i'd better get back to my typing. And i cld have sworn i was writing about my condition as an incurable insomniac not too long ago...what the hell right!?! I always knew 'epiphobic' was the right name for me, in more ways than one can imagine.
Accoording to virginia woolf, sleep might be the 1st step to the pursuit of truth.. "Yet it is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top."..so maybe i'm on the right track after all. Yea whatever.
Till the next cycle-chain gap that i manage to stay awake for,this has been
'krapping with kumi' - thanks for tu(r)ning in.

my family and other animals

2005-10-12T03:32:00.000+08:00

Reflections at 4am

My brother the pig and the dog make a fine couple..you should see them walking together, they look like shrek and donkey..except my dog,flee, is much much smaller than donkey and my brother is much bigger than shrek. so you can imagine.
My mom has decided that all the years and love *ahem* ..yea..love she invested into bringing us up hasn't exactly reaped the most inspiring rewards, or any reward fr the matter - according to her lah..and now she's made flee her adopted son. Such that any term of endearment is reserved exclusively fr the dog. And when she does happen to address one of us with any affection at all, we immediately think she's actually talking to flee.
Granny grinch and the dog don't quite get along..wch is interesting coz flee doesnt get along with children and other dogs , and basically anything that moves/runs & granny grinch is the most stationary thing in my household. But then again they say dogs see what other humans cant...i beleive it.
My sister has fallen asleep with the huge bio book on her belly, yet again. 3rd time this week...she was stressing about some project or test not too long ago, and next thing i realise she's lying here like a lizard with a locked jaw..clutching that book i've come to detest..coz everytime she takes it out,i know she's gonna usurp my place infront of the pc. and of coz i've got to give it up without a fight..
me the unemployed graduate, aka v.i.p - dont have to spell out the whole tamil equivalent- who does not deserve any such *luxury, or, one wld think, to even exist... let alone use the pc and obviously chatting on MSN is out of the question
and she, the studious undergrad who has every right to every *necessity and should be given priority since she is THE responsible studying member of the family. Don;t get me wrong now, our family is normal...quite the average family i should think..we all live quite amicably together...I'm just an incurable insomniac by night (explains this blog post) and spend most of the day sleeping..which mkes me a rather nocturnal but innocuous creature...my brother (better known fondly of coz, as the pig) and my dog, which tends to think its a cat and acts like one too, my sister the lizard look-a-like, my mom, mother to flee above all, and then the pig,lizard and me, in that order i'm inclined to believe...and granny grinch, an exotic and rare species..a far relation of the cat family i think; they have 9 lives, and well granny grinch seems to have been around for so long , it feels like she's gone beyond 9 lives in her one lifetime.. way too long if u ask me..
i could go on, but i shall end here, lest authorities start to think i belong to a zoo. This has been my reflection for the week..quite a revelation. I think im ready for bed now..the household should be starting to stir very soon...

* Often used interchangeably by the mom...wht's necessity to the sis is mysteriously luxury to me and vice versa.

2005-10-10T00:23:00.000+08:00

His birthday.
Last year.
He waited under the block
wondering
waiting.
A life spent waiting
in anticipation
of simple indulgance
the wait has come to an end
has the want?
i hope so
all the love left unexpressed
all the words left unsaid
i hope it surrounds him now
like the jellyfish
damn.
do i want to remember
or to forget
memories.
it's all that's left
and yet why do i wish
we could just live without them.

Subu's Surprise!

2005-10-09T23:03:00.000+08:00

We managed to successfully surprise yet another dear friend last week.twice in the same day.
It's such a wonderful feeling when near & dear ones are happy.. pooh deserves every minute of that tribute to her.
Happy B'day dear goondot.

baleh baleh baleh!!!

2005-10-08T21:41:00.000+08:00

A typical saturday afternoon in the life of ms epiphobic goes like this : she wakes up and faces 3-5 toads depending on how many of them oversleep (ie : simply refuse to wake up and come for tuition). Then after counting down for exactly 2-3 hours, she finally gets to have lunch which consists of grapefruit,celery and carrot sticks. RITE. after that extremely light and healthy meal, one naturally is bound to feel rather sleepy. of course. so she walk-a-jogs from the dining table to the bed room - note : she would like to run for a longer distance, but but she finds that usually 5-6 skips/steps gets her there, afterwhich she does a long distance leap and lands straight on the bed.
After a much needed nap she wakes up refreshed and all set for yet another healthy minimalist meal.
But today was an unconventional sat afternoon.
unheard of in the history of epiphobic.
coz epiphobic is also too comfortable in her comfort zone, and does not like change.
Today, epi found herself boinging her way down to the YMCA, in the middle of a rainy afternoon, to attend a bhangra-aerobics class.yup, you read that right.
bhangra plus aerobics. both of which do not feature in epi's book of things to do on any regular day, let alone a sat afternoon.
mind you, we were forewarned. the sign read : it's idiot proof for ppl who don't have 2 left feet, and who have a sense of rythm. which is why epi should have about-turned and waddled home.
but thanks to yogajunkie and poohbear, she didn't.

we were a motley, i mean ahem, an enthusiastic 3some doing with alacrity and spirit, our own versions of bhangra and aerobics. Yogajunkie, thanks to all her wild bhangra night sessions and dancing em nights away, looked pretty good and had the right moves...at the end of it, she was as pink as her pink op t-shirt, radiant and beaming frm ear to ear - possibly still elated that she had finally succeeded in convincing epi to crawl out of her comfort rut (read : make a blithering piddlesqueak of herself) ..pooh was no bhangra-wallah but she looked funky enough lah,pretty groovy and next to epi, who convulsed more than she danced and moved right when everyone moved left, pooh looked quite good. pooh & yagajunkie looked so good infact, that epi looked at them in the mirror rather than at herself.epi, in short, looked like she was dancing an exotic fusion of bharatanatyam,bhangra and breakdance. or so she would like to think. someone watching her though, might be quite convinced she was having an epileptic attack right in the middle of the dance floor.
in retrpospect, this has been pretty much a groundbreaking (er...no pun intended) start. At the end of the sessions, epi hopes to be :
a) a qualified star bhangra babe
b) visibly slimmer
c) not secretly plotting to murder pooh and yogajunkie
perhaps she will discover she doesn't have 2 left feet afterall.if nothing else, for once in her life, at least she would have tried something diffferent..she would have actually gotten out of her comfrt zone and done something she would never have dreamt off. she would have for the 1st time felt like she was merely paying lip service whenever she said 'carpe diem' to someone else.
and i guess we've only got pooh and yogajunkie to blame for that :p

who knows...perhaps in the uncertain future...she might actually realize her longtime dream of being able to write a funny and lighthearted blogpost.coz today she has learnt, anything is possible, and there's always a 1st.
see yal next week my dear bangrrraa-wallehs!!

Too busy

2005-10-02T23:51:00.000+08:00

Been trying to post...ok that's stretching the truth, guess i haven't really been trying..not much action beyond the want to write..haven't felt like it lah.And since i've resolved to only write when i feel like writing, i haven't even tried to type anything in here..fr..er...too long now.
Still no mood or inspiration..so i'm just gonna paste this.
Courtesy of Aunty C. Thanks for this..in today's fast paced,too-busy world,we can't have too many of these reminders.

Too Busy
One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of theother students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates andwrite it down. It took the remainder of the class period tofinish their assignment, and as the students left the room, eachone handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each studenton a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else hadsaid about that individual. On Monday she gave each student hisor her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling."Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meantanything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me somuch," were most of the comments. No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She neverknew if they discussed them after class or with their parents,but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose.The students were happy with themselves and one another. Thatgroup of students moved on.

Several years later, one of thestudents was killed in Viet Nam and his teacher attended thefuneral of that special student. She had never seen a servicemanin a military coffin before He looked so handsome, so mature. The ceremony was packed with his friends. One by one those wholoved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was thelast one to bless the coffin. As she stood there, one of thesoldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were youMark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes." Then he said:"Mark talked about you a lot." After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates wenttogether to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there,obviously waiting to speak with his teacher. "We want to showyou something," his father said, taking a wallet out of hispocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thoughtyou might recognize it." Opening the billfold, he carefullyremoved two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviouslybeen taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knewwithout looking that the papers were the ones on which she hadlisted all the good things each of Mark's classmates had saidabout him. Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As youcan see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmatesstarted to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly andsaid, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my deskat home." Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in ourwedding album." "I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in mydiary." Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into herpocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzledlist to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vickisaid and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think weall saved our lists." That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She criedfor Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forgetthat life will end one day. And we don't know when that one daywill be. So please, tell the people you love and care for, thatthey are special and important. Tell them, before it is toolate.

"Nothing in life is bigger than life itself"

The Island

2005-09-05T00:06:00.000+08:00

Being back in that room was surreal and comforting.Looking out of the window at the pool that i used to spend hours gazing at, fascinated,wishful,longing to jump right in. It looked not like a swimming pool, but more like a little private island, remote and peaceful. Just one tree, in the midst of clear blue water. It always made me thirsty. I remember the 1st time i looked out, i needed a stool to reach the window.. and later kneeling on the bed, leaning out, watching the raindrops form perfect little ripples in the still water. It always felt so safe there.It held a strange fascination with all of us kids..we all went through it, almost like an initiation process of some sort. When i was old enough, i held the wide eyed little ones at the same window-just as the older ones had held me- I'd point at the water and the trees (there were many more by then), sharing the web of imagination that i'd woven in my own mind, humming tunes, and telling tales about 'the island' which i'm sure the young ones understood in their own ways..secrets that would remain only between us.
Now the house is quiet.The room has changed in so many different ways, just as we all have.The window remains, and right beneath it the bed, albeit a new one, in the same place.I await the next time we'll all be back there, together again, the young and the old..I sit there,in wistful silence, fascinated and puzzled by the way life moves at a startlingly rapid pace, and yet stays so very still, I gaze out, at the island - my very own.

In others' words

2005-08-25T00:31:00.000+08:00

In the mood to Quote :
"You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that."
- Charlotte

Excerpt from 'Charlotte's Web' , a book than can be read over and over again, and each time one gets a different reading of it, a different perspective....

...And a bit of poetry..... for the soul :
They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.
They are not long, the days of wine and roses;
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while,
then closes Within a dream
- Ernest Dowson

And the revelation of the day just has to be :
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do
with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."
- Will Rogers

My sincere thanks to all the amazing people i've quoted...It's the kind of thing one reads and wishes one had written...in any case, i'm glad i got to at least chance upon these words...last but not least,i hope i don't get sued for this.

Thought of the day :
So what am i doing...
why am i doing what i'm doing
and more importantly
why am i not doing what i'm not doing?

And its such a simple question.

Sometimes it feels good to not think about yourself,your life, to not write your own words and express your own thoughts..it might take conscious and concerted effort, coz we are all self-absorbed to at least a small extent...to deny it would be disillusioned,dishonest or simply saintly.(see, i'm not an incurable cynic!)

Inspiration/Aspiration of (time period not specified) :
To think for myself more
and about myself,less
To take more time out from my own life
To ask/want/demand less for myself
To pray for others more
To ask of others less
To give off myself more
Well...i'm done fr now i guess..
That's about it...more or less.
- just me

Needs

2005-08-16T00:06:00.000+08:00

I Think I need :
Earrings
A job
More earrings
more time alone
More time. period.
Even more earrings.
Panadol - or any kinda cure for my headache
Brownies..er...ok..maybe not.
Sleep.
Definitely sleep.

I need :
Sleep
A proper job. (dsnt necessarily mean i want one...i know, sounds weird but it makes sense to me)
To catch up with certain goondots
Faster typing skills - to finish up my typing assignments.
Definitely Sleep

I DO NOT NEED :
Any more oreos. Not a single piece..Not even half a piece.
Any more retail therapy
(Think i still need the earrrings tho)

I definitely need :
To end this,
here and now.

Pro-crastination

2005-08-12T16:07:00.000+08:00

its amazing how things move in a circle and what the combination of age,experience and maturity can do for you.how it can impact your life, and bring about changes when you least expect it. For me its been constant showers of blessings, not a downpour but just enuff to feel the cool breeze and appreciate the little droplets that cause pretty tiny ripples in the otherwise still waters. Its been nice - good times, old friends, new bonds, renewed friendships. it helps every so often to see things in a different light.we all make our own constellations along the circular path, but somewhere somehow,paths do meet, and things fall into place.We may not all be connected and intertwined fr too long, but as with most things, there is a reason and a purpose, or so i'd like to think.

ok now that i got that out of my system. something to enjoy :
Found it on a website, and it seems to be what i live by.. anyone knows who the original source of this is ???

The Procrastinator's Creed:
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

- by anonymous

WonderWall

2005-08-11T10:15:00.000+08:00

When there's absoutely nothing happening, nothing at all, every single small non-issue becomes an issue and non-event becomes an event.Or at least every single thnig about your pathetic life becomes whine-worthy. And then it suddenly becomes possbile to fill page after page of the old forgotten diary, or type away without restraint into the evolved version of today aka the blog.And then all of a sudden it seems that with the bat of an eye lid, so many things are happening and they just keep happening. Major events even, and ponder-worthy issues.And ur struggling to keep up..Yet, this is when your mind refuses to focus and your fingers dont seem to budge upon the keyboard, except for perhaps to engage in idle chat.i guess at some point u tend to give up and just let it go on, watch your life pass u by as they would say. Its been a while since i even entered this page,my own space or so its meant to be. I had decided when i started blogging - ok, joined the blogging world which by then comprised of half the world, that i would only write when i was inspired to. ok well, inspired to, or pushed to the limit, such that that thoughts and feelings overflowed,beyond the silent boundaries of the mind into the www. - ah, but i had the veil of anonymity - (there is no such thing by the way). there comes a point when you have to accept responsibility for everything you say and do even if you dont do it under ur own name, literally speaking. Coz we ll have our own identity, and that far surpasses afterall a name.again, im dodging the question (alert readers would now wonder, what IS the question??do not worry, coz im wondering the same thing and i get a strange feeling there isnt one) well maybe there is, but it might come through this jumble of words which seem so meaningless even to me but i'm doing what i haven't done in a long time, im just letting my mind and my fingers coordinate, hopefully with minimal restrain and self-censorship. (So now when i make sense, you'll know how much editing would have gone into it) :)
I'm waffling. I think its a childhood tendency which my mom 1st identified and called it 'longwinded'...and later it was properly named by my lit teacher in jc when she put it down in red ink on my essay. (consolation : can anyone tell me how NOT to waffle when your writing about DH lawrence's 'women in love'!?!) That chap waffled his way through the entire novel and we study it for let, and i just get marked down!As i type all this, i realise i really like the sound of waffle...waffles...its got a jingle to it, and it sounds so happy...(i happen to know a dr called that by the way, and coupled with a sirname, woo, its not just alliteration, its plain sad). I truly believe in onomatopoeia. If i had a previous life, if at all, i'm convinced i would have been a waffle. how many ppl have the honour of being both noun and verb.

Out of nowhere, the random forces came together and i now have a dog scurrying about. The dog, 'previously known as remo' is now undergoing an emergency and intensive name-change.So intensive that we're overwhelmed by options and still undecided and refer to it as the dog. but we're doing this out of sheer good will and consideration for the dog, coz we were starting to give it a serious identity crisis by calling it various names..no wonder it ignored us and stopped responding to anything. (aside : trying to name ur dog after watching 'Beethoven'? some dogs aren't musically inclined). Ok so now its here, im not sure if its here to stay, im still quite unaffected by its presence wihch is easy to miss coz it's a very quiet creature and is very contented curling up in shady corners. So no complaints from me in that department.

Apart from this ..er...development, ive also come to the end of 'THE experiments'!!!I thought i would never see the day. no seriously, i knew the day would come, but i just dind;t think i'd live to see it!Embarking on a series of other short-term assignments, attemtps at consoling oneself that one is not jobless or unemployed but that one is a free lance ' something important sounding'.For the 1st time last night, i thought of mm.. thought of him alive coz that's how i think id always want to remember him..not in the physical mortal sense, he was just an extremely alive person..it felt strange thinking about him coz till now, ive refused to let myself go there. come to think of it, its only now, as i counted with my fingers, that its hit me..its been 10 mnths,wow that's fast. just like its been 9 yrs since ga died..days into months into yrs - when ppl say its a matter of time, i guess we can take it damn literally.Speaking of which i better be off..am on a pro- punctuality policy, something i can and should work on (hmm..why do i sense general agreement here)...vibes..wow...i could start an entire post on this, but i'll leave that to another time.Looking frward to a day well spent, for myself and all.

Cheers & carpe diem, till the next time my mind and hands decide to coordinate. quite a rare phenomenon these days.

tense and aspect

2005-07-27T02:08:00.000+08:00

i NEVER wanna hear those 2 words again in my life.
im just tired..and really can't wait for this experiment thingi to end..its fun in alot of ways and quite a learning experience but its just so exhausting!both ls and me are getting sick to death of it and i think we're at a point when the only thing keeping us going is the day we'll finish wiht this.
was pretty nice being back in sch today...felt a little strange initially, going back fr the 1st time as a non-student..and accompanying my sis fr the matric fair..going thru the same things i did 3-4 yrs ago..and just sorta reliving it, but as an ex-student, just felt weird.was lotsa fun today though...id like to go on and say why but it'll be about as convincing as me saying my favourite subject in a levels was econs. u get the picture.
anyway..i wanna go on but i can barely keep my eyes open...
till another day when its not way past midnight and when i dont hav to be up in 3 hours to deal with kids...

*groans*
cheers to better mood days ahead fr us all.

effect-ive

2005-07-20T01:28:00.000+08:00

effect-ive
Originally uploaded by epiphobic.

Played around with the effects!Pretty cool eh!
:)

The end of the beginning

2005-07-15T15:57:00.000+08:00

Felt so proud yesterday.of all of us.my friends,my family,my entire e-lang cohort.The spirit, the special bond,the warmth, it all seeped in, through the chaos, the fleeting familiar faces,the exhaustion, the HEAVY robe that left you drenched with perspiration,the shoe bites, the mortar boards that simply refused to stay in place,the anxiety of looknig for perpetually missing people, diffferent people taking turns to go missing at crucial points, sas throwing her mortar board over the centennial backdrop in her enthusiasm (talk about going overboard!).it was all so surreal..and now its just over.
or lets just say, as the valedictorian, from ELANG class may i add proudly, said.."this is not the end.not even the beginning of the end. its quite simply the end of the beginning"
It felt that way yesterday.saying bye was just so weird.like we were saying bye properly,and not the usual 'bye for now but i'll see you around campus' kinda farewell.i cldnt even say 'cya around' without wondering 'when??' to myself.even with my closes friends.after 4 yrs which we spent almost literally inseperable..knowing we're certainly going our own ways now.its always hard saying goodbye.but i'd like to think of it as not goodbye, but just "so long, till we meet again".
I think the pictures wld say so much more than i can here.

anti

2005-07-12T14:21:00.000+08:00

The days have just been going by in a blur..too fast, too hazy and over even before it's started properly.Where u'r crashing with sheer exhaustion and wondering where the hell the entire day went.Where u know you owe at least 10 people either lunch,dinner,breakfast,tea or at least a phone call.Make that many phone calls.and emails.
Argh.
Dnt seem to have energy to do anything,not even stir from drowsy sleep to take a call or go online which i thought i'd always have energy for.I'm sleepy the minute i wake up, sleepy in the middle of the day,and sleepy again at night..maybe this is the revenge of the insomnia!Spend half my life unable to sleep and the rest of it unable to keep awake. But then again, i spend weeks at end having nothing to do, and doing nothing at all, and then all of a sudden out of nowhere, i'm thrust with what seems like everythnig and anything and too much to do, and too little time.
I hate feeling sleepy and cranky and crabby!
and the weather is perfect for an afternoon coze.
ok this is the kinda rubbish i come up with when im so NOT in the mood to blog.
How impressive.
And yet again i whine about the insignificant events in my life when so much is happening out there, life-altering events and experiences.
ok, yes, i shall go get a life. soon, after my nap.
till next time, this is rip-van-winkle the 2nd signing off.
ps : to all my friends who are trying to get me (holds a shield,esp when facing yogaj), my sincere and many apologies.I will er..get back to u..er...soon.

hope

2005-07-07T19:46:00.000+08:00

Ive grown up hearing frm my mom that if u you want something SOO bad, you'd get it, maybe not now maybe not soon, and probably not when u expect it, but someday.as long as you persevere, keep wanting it with mind,soul and spirit, and work towards it, it will happen.
Ive spent my life (thus far) trying to reconcile that with the power of prayer.of detachment.whereby you abandon everything and throw yourself at the hands of god and the powers beyond/above us.There is the issue of control and agency and empowerment that i havent quite managed to reconcile though. There is the power of the subconscious mind which tells us to take agency in maknig our dreams/thoughts come true..and there is the other sch of thought about letting go and letting god - tho this probably shld be done after you've taken all the measures u need to, whatever is within your control. so when ds one know one has to take the bull by the horns and be all proactive and run for the bus that perhaps just started moving off...as opposed to taking the next one..and even when it comes to waiting for a sign..waht if you've missed the bus with the messiah in it and youre still waiting...
Im waiting for a sign and im not sure if theyre coming at me already, or if theyre staring me in the face and i'm looking beyond them....or if theyre just things im reading too much into. i'm still waiting and giving it thought.and praying for guidance coz i always do.and hopefully when a sign comes my way,i'll recognise it.
Right just had to get that out of the way.wasnt intending to write all that but i had to spill it to make way for the other thoughts to come through.

OK....

my bro just informed me abt the whole bomb thingi in london ...im still not yet over.....gosh that really shook me up- have good friends and family members there and i really freaked out..the friends are ok, thank god.....& to think it happened at a place so familiar to me, close to home even...managed to contact the friends and im thanking god everyone's ok, and i hope it all ends here....damn...our lives are so fragile, so ephemeral...i'm getting a horrible tingly feeling, what lavz recently described as the 'feeling of somene walking over your grave' - i'm not sure i understood it fully then, but it seems to say it for now.

its scares me, how much we take for granted, on a second to second basis...

and one second is all it takes , to make all the difference between life and death.

Im going to stop here now. and i wish & pray as i type these words, that people responsible for such atrocities all over the world, would say the very same thing to themselves.

Grow old with you

2005-07-05T11:08:00.000+08:00

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do
is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice,
growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold
Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man
who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

- The Wedding Singer

thoughts-a-bru-ing

2005-07-04T12:16:00.000+08:00

In the mood for : Bru Coffee

I'm not usually a coffee person (give me masala tea anytime!) but i woke up thinking of bru coffee for some reason..Strange. I like their ads..Marketting is so important and there's something warm and fresh about those ads that appeals to all your senses.well,to mine anyway.
Finally feel like i've taken a step forward..in some vaguely promising direction.Its a good feeling.Fulfillment.actually,any kind of progress is a good feeling.Just a start,a seed,a shadow of a start can make such a difference and it can spur u on to keep moving. We're such sensitive creatures at the end of the day.
Starting to feel like there's a purpose of some kind to my existance and that's been priceless.Right now, got to focus on doing more,doing things well, and making space within the circle,no matter how small or confining it might see,its always possible to stretch the boundaries i guess.
Friends around are generally in better spirits and i think that makes a difference too.Or have i just got on rose-tinted glasses?You know how there are days when you're just feeling good,and blessed and fulfilled and nothing that goes wrong can take that feeling away from you..u take the schmuck ups in your stride..and yet there are the other days when you dwell on the closed door and shut the sunshine out from every little opening,window,and crack in the wall.
Today is one of the former kinda days & i hope it lasts for a while..and if someone puts the lights out again, i hope i'd find it in me, to walk around and find a tealight!
Till next time,
Attention missing person : earth-to-agentmouldy get thyself out of some mousehole in tas and get yourself online already!!
Note to all special chums : in ur own special ways, all of u are the tealights when the lights go out.Thank god for the little things.
Going for a wedding later!Yay!it's the 1st wedding that I'VE been invited to, the invitation card had my name on it and in a pathetic way it makes me feel older!there's this quote that springs to mind : "growing old is compulsory,growing up is optional"
Chew on that!
:P

Just realised its independance day..still remember the jothamarimojugs excitedly going to bugis for that movie, i think its the 1st movie i was allowed to go for with friends, and this was in sec 4!sad!Quite an experience i must say.
In conclusion, shall throw this in, just for good measure :
"We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win today, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice, "we will not go quietly into the night, we will not vanish without a fight... We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today, we celebrate... our Independence Day!"

Nice shot

2005-06-27T15:27:00.000+08:00

I shld mention tht all credit goes to cameraman CK for this shot..Loved the sky that day...

Strength to carry on

2005-06-24T03:14:00.000+08:00

Song of the moment : Shine a light ( OST : Ladder 49)

The cry of the city like a siren's song
Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long
Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky
Must be someone's soul passing by
These are the streets Where we used to run where your Papa's from
These are the days Where you become what you become
These are the streets Where the story's told
The truth unfolds
Darkness settles in

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strengthTo carry on.... carry on

Don't wanna be a hero Just an everyday man
Trying to do the job the very best he can
But now it's like living on borrowed time Out on the rim, over the line
Always tempting fate like a game of chance
Never wanna stick around to the very last dance
Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall
Loose hold of your grip off the wall

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on...Carry on

I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road
Maybe trying to find his way home
He's here but not here
He's gone but not gone
Just hope he knows if I get lost
Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
To carry on

Kapish

2005-06-21T12:06:00.000+08:00

I am not a punching bag.period.
i may be a 3rd wheel sometimes..i can live with that to a certain extent.
but i sure as the sky above am not a punching bag.
or the backup plan who's on perpetual standby.
i may not know what i am but i sure know what i am not.or what i refuse to be(come).

The 3rd wheel

2005-06-19T15:01:00.000+08:00

Im just done reading this book 'born confused' , about a young ABCD (american born confused desi) who's too indian to be american and too american to be indian. tough huh. the book ends with her finding comfort and stability in being what she knows best, just herself.and not worrying where to categorize her identity. anyway, there's this particularly nice line in this book whereby her best friend asks her, "who needs a 3rd wheel?"...and to that she replies without hesitating, "a tricycle". That gave me a nice warm feeling..there's something so incredibly soothing about a sense of belonging.like the feeling u get when u've completed that puzzle and everything just fits.
It's not nice being a 3rd wheel..particularly if u know ur still attached to a bicycle which is never gonna be a tricyle...or maybe it used to be a tricycle and now it has to become a bicycle..and that's just the way it should be.
So waht's the 3rd wheel to do...when all that is so near, seems so far away..
perhaps the 3rd wheel has to realise that it's a wheel in its own right, one wheel...perhaps the 3rd wheel isnt the 3rd wheel afterall, but the 1st wheel (only wheel?) in a unicycle or the other wheel in a bicycle.
Whichever the vehicle, whichever the route, the wheel has just one role...it's got to roll.
:s
riiiiite .............
and that sounded so lame and reduced the entire effect of this post that was meant to be serious and pensive. but these things happen, and as i type this now, amused as to how one word changed the entire mood of the writing, and even my own mood, i realise its important to take a break from taking life so seriously, taking ourselves so seriously, all the time.
Applies to humans and yes, wheels included.

'Aria' by secret garden's 'dawn of a new century' plays in the background for the umpteenth time. *basks in it*

Was gonna end off with 'roll on' but that just reminds me of deodrant. So i shall leave this,at that.

Crossroads

2005-06-19T00:30:00.000+08:00

And so it goes that In order to know where to go from here, it is important to know where you've come from.Or so they say. and i'm not just quoting will smith in 'Hitch' here.
so i do know where i've come from. In fact i've traced my path along the 'i've come from there' map 3 times over and it's still not shedding any light on where my path would lead from here..not even which path i should i take. Not even a clue as to whether there IS a path out there for me. well i guess there is one for everyone...right?but it's hard to get oneself on it, and more importantly the right one that leads to the place u wanna go.
I wonder what's more important as a starting point...the path..or the destination.
What if u had a destination...and no path..then u'd still be focused on the end point and u;d make your own path to get there right?
Or perhaps if u jst followed some path, any path,u might reach that destination and discover it was always meant to be urs to stumble upon or arrive at quite deliberately, whichever occurs 1st.
i guess whichever way the journey unfolds...the most important thing must be to take the 1st step forward.one cant keep getting lost...er...ok well i could but i'm sure even i can't keep getting lost forever and ever...ive got to find some way in the end.
i've got a magnet on my fridge that goes 'he that chooses his own path needs no map'...always wondered about that one...if it really does hold true. in a sense maybe..but in a sense,not quite.Debatable.
So what next?
I don't know...and i sure as hell wanna find out.
Show me the path and i'll begin my journey....
or maybe i should just begin my journey and in that way, create my own path, and make my way towards the destination, one baby step at a time.
Every road at the end of the day, has to lead somewhere.

tele-phony

2005-06-15T02:34:00.000+08:00

ok yes i've been mia...and today i'm writing this only coz yoga the junkie has been bugging me to, and i'm placing some faith in writing-therapy , seeing that retail therapy is out of the question given the financial status - what the hell- i mean pathetic state, i am in.....
i'm in a foul mood, but i've got valid reasons....for one, i rarely get to go online anymore and that's disruptive to my routine and system...in the past month or so i've managed to lose a LOT of money and some rather valuable (both sentimental and monetary value) jewellery..i'm shamelessly indebted to various members of my family, even those younger than me..AND NOW, latest feat, ive lost my hp.and i'm broke (as mentioned above) so i can't get a new phone anytime soon..so im depressed (given the latest trend in my life of losing my valuables) and more disgruntled with life than ever. I still remember the times i refused to own a mobile phone, and when i did get one, i promised myself i'd never get too dependant on it or come to a stage when i'd be lost without it...i even managed to survive the past few yrs without having my ring tone on...i got away with silent/vibration mode for the most part except when infuriated friends came close to attempted cold blooded murder (only coz they can;t bear the fact that im uncontactable of course...yea i know...im indispensable)...i even manage to go out with the family and leave the hp behind (but thts partly coz the family dsnt appreciate the hp coming along either) and i'm detached enuff frm the phone to actually be away frm it alot..so much so tht i may check my phone eventually and see LOTS of missed calls. *my friends would have a whole to say about this one,nthnig cld be better evidence*...i'm even a firm beleiver that whether or not i answer my hp is my right, and if i choose not to ans, it simply means im not with the phone, or i cant answer at that point..ie just coz i have it dsnt mean i gotta be glued to it, or that i'm under oath to answer it all the time.
i even said this to a friend yesterday.a friend who was mad tht i'd missed her calls. i dont think she was too amused or enthusiastic about my logic.
maybe my point of view is just skewed and the logic is flawed, or perhaps there's no logic at all..but whats the point of this entire soliloquay..especially there's no phone at this point.

bottom line is, despite all the fluffy ideals and big talk, im not as detached frm the hp as i think i am or id like to be. i do feel lost,anxious and highly annoyed without it now...mostly coz of boredom i must admit..not being able to just pick up n chat or send a 'what ya up to' sms to someone some uneventful neverending afternoon.and im certainly not detached enuff to let go of all those sms-es ive saved, coz each of them meant something or reminded me of some point in time that i wanted to freeze-frame.

well...such is life. still it goes on.till next time, this has been me talking to me.to the happy person who found my phone,i cld say alot of things so i shall not say any of it,cant trust myself right now.
some announcements and personal messages :
wishing the pancake a v.happy b'day!and to agentmouldy,good luck fr yr papers dudette,study hard and take care,will catch up with u soon.yogajunk and bs best wishes fr a v.special day
hope its meaningful, and have fun.yogaj my apologies about the thingi u wanted me to pass to u (u know waht im talking abt) ,its been in layman's terms, pretty damn impossible.but the minute i manage to get it,u'll be the 1st recipient.so sorry dude.hope u've made..erm...creative and brilliant alternative arrangements.CK: hope ur having a fab time in prague,im sure its all memorable if nothing else...perhaps thts all tht matters at the end of the day..as long as its worth the memory!

adieu fr now.

blackwhite

2005-06-09T02:32:00.000+08:00

blackwhite
Originally uploaded by epiphobic.

i did it!!! am i fast learner or what! :p

*pleased with self*

trial & error

2005-06-09T02:05:00.000+08:00

just trying this photo posting thing coz im bored with my blog...maybe its time fr some graphics to give it a face lift - pun unintended.
ive no idea how this tag thingi works, and i tried the link thingi with the orange qstn mark, and that's not working out either. ok so i've successfully signed up with flickr and hopefully one day, will learn how to publish pics on my blog...soon, soon...for now, im gonna resort to posting links.

hope this works...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/98485452@N00/18212683/ (with the mouldyone..showing off my *ahem* photo effects editing skills *ahem* ..hey i managed to make it black& white..well I think its pretty cool!)

and this is courtesy of a friend, found it on her website - i think this is beautiful - thanks for sharing :
http://www.flickr.com/photos/33231079@N00/16247385/

thats it fr now...will post some proper pictures when i learn how to actually upload them and not just paste links !

blogger's block

2005-06-06T00:15:00.000+08:00

Yep. that's exactly what i'm suffering from. i've been sitting here trying to get down and dirty (ok not exactly but we know what i mean) and write abt stuff...lots of stuff that's been going on..inside and around me. but i just cant...the words are not flowing while the thoughts are gushing through uncontrollable and breaking through all boundaries. its crazy. there's just so much, good stuff and the not so good...and loads of memories and random thoughts..and i cant deal with it all...not in my head, definitely not in writing.
on the mundane font,
just came back frm the movies, watched a crappy so-called horror (more like horrible) movie starring christina ricci..called cursed. and the caption goes soemthing like its a curse...bla bla..and its called life. can u blame us fr thinking 'how bad can it be' - it was about a bimbotic werewolf (yes,female) gone crazy with jealousy coz the male werewolf was attracting other women (normal non werewolf women)..so she kills them. half way thru the film the audience gave up trying to be spooked and came to terms with the fact tht they might actually be in fr a comedy more than a horror flick and started to chuckle here and there (during the werewolf scenes mind u, so u go figure). it was SAD. msgee and us decided never to venture out and watch horror filsm together again coz we just dont have any luck with tht genre.
ok so much for that.
im still bored adn listless and oh yes, important point to note,very very broke.not tht any of tht's gonna change overnight.let life unleash the big plan and throw at me everything it has to offer...and boy will i catch. go on life, surprise me.
*yawns*

stuck in a moment

2005-06-01T21:29:00.000+08:00

Gosh
its been a while...feels strange. where do i even start?
I never even got to grips with the boho pardee and already practically a month has flown by, bringing with it the rollercoaster ride of the uk trip.the much thought about,talked about,controversial uk visit ...before, during and after the actual trip...which was ultimately fr my best friend's engagement which felt more like a wedding. there was a whole lot more to it all of course...so much infact, that i either say everything, or nothing at all.
basically the good, the bad and the all-encompassing memorable.
its all still so dreamy and surreal. Still stuck in the moment.
so where do i begin?
well i believe i have.
this is all i can manage for now.need to be a little more emotionally detached before i can go into more details. for n0w, its good to be back,well almost.
it'll take a while i guess...

Bohemania

2005-05-11T02:57:00.000+08:00

So the exams are over and done with (say it with me now...FINALLY!) and everyone was just in the right mood to release stress and go crazy...not just crazy but out of the world,wacko,bogus crazyyyy. So we decided to have the boho party, otherwise known as and officially christened the bohemian theme party. Well it started off bohemian, and by the time everyone arrived in costumes it overextended into a bit of everything. Psychedellic 70s,modern gadget man,hawaiian floral designs, and mismatched homewear. yep, we were a motley assortment, but one that reflects the true spirit and hullabaloo tht can take place when a bunch of post-stressed, too free, weird by default ppl get tog!
We were what u'd call , an organized mess.
Primary planning committe consisted of pooh,yogajunk,ms evil, shantu and urs truly *takes a bow*. Secondary planning committee :bs, rj and franko ie : miscellaneous contributions.
planning committe was in charge of making sure everyone stuck to the theme and dindt get away easy with anytihng normal and sane.Hence planning committee went about draping multicoloured shawls and scarfs in various ways over the guys, who seem to be suffering frm a grave lack of imagination and sense of adventure...but i'll give them some credit for being so cooperative and spotting, even when bs ended up lookin like a cross between sinbad, arafat and a bandit who dindt know how to wear a skirt. (i'll let ur imagination run wild here)...and rj had a black and white striped turban wound over a plastic cup, strategically placed on the top of his head. Franko got away realtively easy, with just a few colourful shawls tied randomly around him...but lets not push it,it was good enuff by general standards :p
The girls were fabulous...and really went all de way!amazing ppl...there was a gypsy with 3 too many layers of clothes, who cld hav looked like laundry hung out to dry, had she not looked so pretty and exotic!There was ms hawaii herself,colourful and lively,right down to the flower in her hair - only thing missing frm the pretty picture was the orchid garland!there was the abu dhabi princess, in her long flowy skirt and turban (think of a female version of the indian snake charmer)...and of course the ubiquitious shawls and huge loud beads and jewellery to top it all off.
and then there was pseudo macy-mad- gray. picture yogaj (fr those who know her, ud know how pertinent this is) in pastel 3/4 length slacks, the colour of paddle pop ice cream and imagine a shirt that rosie fr PCK wld wear, something loud,gaudy and inarbitarily ugly. and there was a shimmery red shawl tied over the pants to add (even) more colour.. Now imagine tht combination, on yogaj, with bright orange shades, and...AND A HUUUUUUUUUUUGE AFRO WIG. it gets better. a huge afro wig adorned with hairpins and scrungies. Bohemian suddenly seemed to pale in comparison to THAT getup, whatever it cl be clasified under!!? i probably do it no justice , its a sight to behold. *note to self : must try to put up pics as proof*

that's just the costumes and the cast.
the plot is another post by itself...
no energy to go into it and i'm hoping someone wld do it more justice than i can *hint hint...looks at yoga*
am bursting to write abt it all, but im still pretty overwhelmed by the happening events of the past 2 days, to put it in writing wld take tremendous energy - the mere thought of it is daunting enuff!
for now, it shld sufficeth to sayeth that if there's anything abt my life that's worth envying, it must be that fact that i have amazing friends. u guys are the best.
wld really luv to write more abt the boho party...had so much to write about it..but its hard to reallyy get down to it now....kinda preoccupied and disturbed...feeling bad fr a good friend...heard some rotten news and she's very distressed, with good reason too..wish i cld be there fr her and not flying off across the globe at this time...hope she's gonna be ok...sometimes things happen and its so painful and upsetting that ur convinced it must be the biggest disaster that cld ever happen...and thts where we miss the silver lining.some losses, are really not a loss, i feel it helps to think (personally at least) that perhaps some ppl,were never really meant to be part of our lives afterall, and so, when they leave us fr whatever reason, it might help to remember that we can't actually lose what never was ours in the 1st place.
That dindt make sense?no matter. many things in life and about life, dont.
to think this started off happy and chirpy, i was feeling all warm and fuzzy and fulfilled... reflecting the aftermath of the boho party ...and now i feel like a deflated balloon..a big one...im beginning to think life is like London weather.
outside, without any kinda warning or indication, its started to pour.
Bed is the best place to go to now.

My Tribute

2005-05-08T12:59:00.000+08:00

Just sharing some excerpts from the eulogy by Dr wee kim wee's grand daughter which was in the papers yesterday. I was hoping to locate it among the online archives but don't think its up.
I would have written the whole eulogy out, but its quite long...hence just selected excerpts. leaves you smiling thru tears..it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling all over just reading it...it was so heartfelt and revealed so much about the kinda person/grandpa he was. What came across especially strong, was his love for his wife, chocolate and other good things in life, and above all, how he embraced life in itself. I found it especially moving - its so simple, and yet so close to the heart and shares so much about the man, a side to him that we all probably knew existed but may not all have experienced 1st hand. I never knew a thing about him, except that this was the face i saw on tv, the picture i saw on th e walls, in every bank and office for so many years.. the figure i always felt was so grandfatherly, exuding warmth and kindness, the serenity that surrounded his presence and his ability to connect with people, sans pomp and any sign of Superciliousness as he took his rounds on the padang every national day. The epitome of charisma, according to me.That smile.It reached out to one and all.I loved what i saw.

A grand daughter's farewell :

"He was a man who enjoyed life to the fullest.

I thank my grandfather for showing us what it is to really love another person. i also thank my grandfather for showing us what it is to love life......

He collected snuff bottles and coins and stamps. He travelled the world,he played sports,planted fruit trees. he loved the smell and taste of hazelnute coffee. He had a sweet tooth.He especially loved ice cream - rum and raisin was his favourite flavour.....

Once someone gave him 6 turkeys. i think the idea was for them to be fattened up and then eaten. my grandfather looked at home. he spoek to them, he gave them names.I remember my mother said to me, 'oh no, he's given them names.we'll never get rid of them now.'
He respected life, even the life of an animal.....

If you wish to honour his memory, then live your life to the full,stand by your friends,cherish your family,listen to everyone with an open mind and welcome those who cross your path with an open heart"

As we reflect, this is hardly tribute enough to the man who warmed so many hearts with his humility, simplicity and quiet strength and dignity..And who can forget that that oh so sweet smile that's become synonymous with the person. A reminder to us, to celebrate life, our lives and that of others, if that was his secret to that pleasant & joyful disposition, its worth giving it a shot!

Blue Bayou

2005-04-30T15:21:00.000+08:00

Song of the moment : Blue Bayou
Album:Simple Dreams

I feel so bad, I got a worried mind;
I'm so lonesome all the time
Since I left my baby behind on Blue Bayou

Saving nickels, saving dimes;
Working till the sun don't shine
Looking forward to happier times on Blue Bayou

I'm going back someday, come what may to Blue Bayou
Where you sleep all day and the catfish play on Blue Bayou
All those fishing boats with their sails afloat, if I could only see
That familiar sunrise through sleepy eyes, how happy I'd be

Gonna see my baby again
And to be with some of my friends
Maybe I'll be happy then on Blue Bayou

I'm going back someday, gonna stay on Blue Bayou
Where the folks are fine, and the world is mine on Blue Bayou
Oh that girl of mine by my side, the silver moon and the evening tide
Oh, on some sweet day, gonna take away this hurtin' inside
I'd never be blue, my dreams come true
On Blue Bayou

One thing leads to another..watched a movie on tv earlier - 'Hanging Up', about 3 sister and their relationship with one another, and their old father who's a drunk and a dying dementia patient who insists on making life miserable for them in any way he can. They're caught between painful moments and bitter feelings, & yet the overarching boundless love for him - affection based on the past theyve shared and their memories of their childhood. (very nice flashbacks in this films i felt, the whole tungsten effect and something very dreamy about it, like a hazy vision which is Ethereal and yet so vivid like you're still living it right now)....imagine a slow motion carousel..spinning,slowly while images whizz past...weird analogy i know but if u catch the drift, u'll know exactly waht i'm talking about.

Nice movie, very down to earth and relatable to-able...though its brought about a whole avalanche of emotions and thoughts - very uncalled for. Serves me right for lounging around watching tv instead of sittnig glued to my seat trying to make sense of Karl Marx's theories on capitalism and communism. I hate terminology, i've been saying this since i was in primary school but noone seems to get it or take me seriously enough. I was doing my readings ok!Except this movie caught my attention coz the old father looks soo much like Morrie (from tuesdays with morrie) , & fr a minute i thought that it was that movie they were showing. Honestly, i dont regret the break. I do wish i could shake of this strange feeling that's come over me though. a bit stifling, like being wrapped in a thick woollen blanket on a warm day.
Right.

Back to Marx :

" Even in the condition of society most favourable to the worker, the inevitable result for the worker is overwork and premature death, decline to a mere machine,a bond servant of capital, which piles up dangerously over and against him,decline to more competition and to starvation or beggary...
...This class has always to sacrifice a part of itself in order not to be wholly destroyed...
...The goal of the economic system is the unhappiness of this system."

Oh boy.....this what they call a reality slap on the face man.

The long dark tea-time of the soul

2005-04-28T16:59:00.000+08:00

No i dindt make that title up - its a book i;m reading now by douglas adams..the guy is hilarious!Ever read 'the hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy' ??' - such subtly classic sense of humour!
So anyway im readnig this book and its amusingly bizarre. but i think rite now, i'd read just about anything except a DIY instruction manual or my notes.
ah
the notes. back at the same point again.life really is a circle. lots of things are circle come to think of it...round is a nice shape to be...wonder why the world has a problem with that!Ironic in itself..but well, that's life.
Feeling a bit ruffled, like my mood(y) cat..
read some depressing news and it's a bit disturbing ...some yrs ago i dont think it would have really had an impact..hmm..sign of ageing perhaps...must ask mouldy if this is how its gonna be.... *hehe..ducks to avoid the flying brick from tasmania*
The revision aint going anywhere..my thoughts just can't stay put and i'm craving mexican food, no thanks to jazzy for that conversation!!!
This is what food and fun deprivation can do to a perfectly normal, happy,wonderful, smart & happening human being.

*Piqued*

Some quotes, courtesy of douglas adams, for ur amusement & more importantly, mine :

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened"

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife

Anything that happens, happens. Anthing that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Anthing that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again. It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Life? Don't talk to me about life! - (The hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy)

Epiness!

2005-04-27T20:40:00.000+08:00

I might be the 1st and last person u'd ever meet, who cld not locate her exam seat, despite having checked her seat number, and the seating arrangement guide 3 times..everyone else just streamed in and found their seats somehow...not urs truly. Things are never that straightforward or it wouldnt be my life now wld it. So there's me..me who woke up early, and pre-booked a cab to avoid being late and related stresses...me who got to sch an hour early, me who checked the seating plan 3 times...me who paced up and down getting more stressed as the room got quieter and as more vacant seats got filled..finally gave up and went up to the invigilator like a blind dingbat and told her meekly that i cldnt find my seat.
*slaps forehead.
Read : I'm in my final semester of uni and still cant find my seat no 27 in a classroom...even a kindergarten kid cld have done better than that.
Well i'm proud to declare that i found my seat and finished the exam...ITS OVER!
Finally, the end of medical sociology fr good!
I never have to read anything on subjective perception or preventive health behaviour again...
i never have to worry about knowing where the illness behaviour ends and where the sick role behaviour starts..
I don't have to try and figure out shan's handwriting thinking to myself that somethnig cld actually be harder to read than my own handwriting, and Horror of horrors - worse than bubs's and mouldy's! (note : it's not as bad as evil's though so be comforted).
I don't have to sit there wondering wht in the pink jupiter that journal was about, after having read the entire damn thing, and feeling guilty, coz if i had gone for the lecture instead of getting distracted by the shops and sales in harbour front, i might have had a clue.
No more of aunty stella's drunken lectures whereby she enters the LT right on the dot, and proudly declares she just flew in from jamaica a few hours ago and probably landed directly on campus. (of course i wld have just tumbled in puffing like a grampus out of water and waddled my way to the seat shan saved fr me an hour ago)
Today i'm a happy berry (sounds like halle barry eh.. yea yea im brain dead and lack imagination...Tuff!)
So tha'ts 1 down, 2 to go..

*Does the rumplestitskin dance*

Tonight folks, i shall sleep...and 1st thing tomorrow i shall personally cut up every single sheet of those repulsive notes.
:)

Tsk!

2005-04-25T02:07:00.000+08:00

Watched 'man on fire' again...fell in love with the movie, the sountrack,dakota fanning AND of coz denzel washington all over again..wow. a bit depressing & leaves u with a heavy heart when it ends, but its a beautiful story and luv the artistic direction/screenplay.. so i can live with that.
Been doing a bit of everything this weekend, every other than work tht is. so much for wanting to end with a bang. i'm begining to think it'll be a wonder if i end at all..maybe i[ll be one of those helen keller sorts, who spends her entire life at sch adn graduates at 40...maybe i'll live a legacy - a glorious tale fr the autobiography. Wishful thinking, in this country & institution, they're not gonna give Einstein a chance to graduate later than the 'average' human being. So much for that.
Im sittnig here blogging abt my fears about the exams and clearing them and graduating, but am i picking up my soci notes adn reading them like my life depends on them (it does) - no sire im not. Thats the story of my life.
Been thinking about being a better human being..i think i have a long way to go..i think i should start moving...i think i shld figure out my direction and not let fellow human beings determine what kinda person i am or let external factors bring out the worst in me...ive realisied i tend to le it happen, and then i groan and moan about it when i let it happen in the 1st place.
i think i shld exert more control on myself and i shld decide how im gonig to react to things/ppl/events/mere empty words - i shld remember tht thts all they are.
I think i should stop doing / saying things out of spite without meaning a syllable.
I think i shld stop thinking about stuff and start acting upon them.
But thinking is the 1st step really, in the right direction....
as long as it doesnt end here.
But the blogging shld..coz the fact remains tht i do have soci notes tht my life depends on..
Till next time, this has been me talking to myself.
cheerio!

"Life is a train of moods like a string of beads;
and as we pass through them they prove to be
many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue,
and each shows us only what lies in its own focus."

"Thought is the blossom; language the bud; action the fruit behind it."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In-decision

2005-04-20T13:56:00.000+08:00

So....U spend ages tossing and turning, unable to sleep, in a fix - confused and tormented by indecision,sick of weighing out the pros and cons and working out all aspects of the dilemma in your head. Then finally one day, things seem to become a bit clearer, and u get a sign (frm God,u'r convinced, or so u'd like to think)..it could be in the form of random ppl reaffirming your potential-decisions/thought processes or it could be that lucky number on the license plate of some car passing by, or as the latest trend appears to be it might be spotting a large bird circling the skies in the most unlikely of places *winks at noone in particular*...in anycase, you get that sign. and u decide on A.
And then, u start to accept A adn you're all set to deal with the decision and the after effects..you seek and get the much needed affirmation from ppl around you...be it damage control or depression-management...in the forming of signing up for pilates classes or 'volunteering' ahem to participate in a linguistics conference (peer pressure is a SAD thing) - so you feel a bit more reassured about having to make tht decision...and you start to internalise it. U nkow, decision A might be somethnig which you never even considered uptill then,but its amazing how your mind can simply assimilate it and soon it becomes the 'common sensical' thing to do, and you actually start beleiveing in it and you accept it, albeit a little reluctantly. Infact, in retrospect im inclined to think, u accept it an almost subconscious level coz you dont realise that you've accepted tht bitter decision...
Until..
...Out of nowhere, without any warning, in a matter of minutes even, something happens which turns the tables on you, everything goes topsy turvy and you'r back to square one - point A negative...the entire process is seeminlgy wasted - your resolve,decision and everything just goes for a toss. After some thought and continued indecision, you realise that the latest events are out to convince you of the exact opposite of what you had decided upon, just minutes ago. And this seems bigger and more convincing.
And so...
you make another decision wihch overwrites and overrules the earlier decision and you land upon point of decision Z.
Its interesting though, coz even though decision Z is probably the desired decision, you've already gotten used to undesired difficult decision A - and all of a sudden, its hard to accept Z..it actually is..and it feels funny.
So now, you're stuck somewhere between A and Z..leaning towards Z but unsure if A still stands...and the arguments that supported A against Z dont hold anymore, but instead, works against A & suddenly everything starts to point towards Z.....all over again.
Life is just wierd lah.....Either God has an ironic sense of humour, or he must be male.

"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay
and everything’s going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out
whenYou think everything’s gone wrong
and everything blows upIn your face......
.........Isn’t it ironic... don’t you think?"

Bittersweet Symphony

2005-04-15T02:19:00.000+08:00

It hit me today, that we're down to the last week at uni...Yogajunkie asked if I had ordered my gown…I felt an odd mix of feelings for a fleeting moment, and then it was gone..but the bittersweet aftertaste – that stayed.Tomorrow’s officially the very last day of sch - of my academic life so far...I mean there will be a few weeks of exams, but sch per se, this is it.I feel like this is some kinda watershed...feels significant.Let me take a moment....wow…
I dont have an institution called school to go to anymore..I'm not going to be able to whine and moan and groan and make out like i'm the only studying & suffering individual in the planet and that all the cosmic forces are out to make me miserable. (i assure u it does feel that way sometimes!)
Typing out the biblio earlier, I cldnt help but keep thinking how its probably the last biblio I was gonna be typing (even tho it wasn’t exactly MINE) in a long time…and certainly not in the all too familiar settings of as 7.
I've actually become quite attached to the institution now... just being there is comforting sometimes - and im not as surprised as i was, the 1st time i felt this way.The faces u see around..the handful who've been there for about as long as u have, and some even longer…even the drink shop uncle is started make me feel sad…the acquaintances who eventually became friends I can’t bear to leave...the familiar faces in Elang class whom I’ve really missed the past sem..i bumped into some of them today and thought, this will be the last time I’m going to be seeing them around randomly along those corridors, where LIP used to be held..
So many memories everywhere..forum – all our sleepovers and all night study sessions of course incomplete without our past midnight rendezvous for cheese prata…
Can’t meet Shanu yoga and ms evil any old time…knowing they’re bound to be around somewhere, arts canteen probably, library,forum,as7 lab, SOC etc..
Ive actually gotten over missing the milo van already.
I;m feeling lost already… how much weirder is it going to be when I wake up to empty days and not have sch to go to.. all those lessons I missed/was late for, now I wish I didn’t take it all for granted. But who would have thought all those times ago that this day would come.
Who would have thought, even last sem that I wouldn’t be celebrating this end, which I had so looked forward to and prayed for every single day last semester.
And now, I just don’t want it all to end.
I was feeling alright till i started writing...i was just looking forward to tomorrow.. but now its pretty overwhelming..
I didn’t mean to write about all this... I wasn’t intending to even articulate it to/within myself, but I guess ive let it out…now I just have to let (it) go.
Suddenly, I wish I could make tomorrow last for another year.

Restless

2005-04-11T00:46:00.000+08:00

Agitated..
Angered easily & bugged by everything
Im yelling at my mom & storming off at the drop of a red pen- she drops them all the time. (ok maybe this bit is normal)
I'm bored,listless,stressed and very unsettled. (yoga J u hit the nail on the head)
Stressed coz i shld be doing work, quite a bit of work by now and i haven't made any progress...ok ok fine, i confess i havent even made a start.
I've started reading 3 different books and i've lost interest in all 3.
I don't feel like blogging or talking to anyone.
I know...ironic.
I think my middle name is contradiction..but who am i kidding, im sure each and every one of us feels this way every now and then.
I'm not depressed...no...i mean it....really.
I'm ....angry. yes..i know...duh...but i dont knw why.
no really i dont...
maybe i shld think abt it..

Anonymous and Random

2005-04-06T23:34:00.000+08:00

From anonymous noone , to Random anyone

You talk...I hear you
I talk...You hear me too
we dont communicate.
We hear each other...
Listening is something else.

It wasn't such a barrier before
I could hear all that you dindt say
Thoughts you were afraid to think
percolating in your mind
I could hear that too..
and i always got a feeling
you felt it with me too..

Now the silence is heavy
pauses,pregnant
Words are empty, and the laughter...
the laughter is genuine
and that binds us together
and keeps us going.
For how long?

I dont know...
Time will tell...but for once,
i don't think i want to find out.

Phir Milenge

2005-04-03T03:42:00.000+08:00

Watch phir milenge, the bollywood version (i wldnt say equivalent) of philadelphia. Its more than just a movie/work of art...its an avenue for creating and spreading social awareness abt lots of things..Addresses important issues that we overlook on a daily basis...descrimination,human rights, emotions relationships ,fears,feelings,health,time, life-death and the choices that we have in btween the 2...we cld live to die, die to live ... live like we're never gonna die or live like we're already dead....some serious fodder for the mind and avenue for some soul searching..very moving and disturbing, but we all need a wake up call once in a while...a reminder to live while we are alive, while we can.
Random thoughts come to mind when i reflect upon the movie....
Its too early/late in the day to type coherent sentences, hence i shall just throw it out in point form....

Live life moment by moment, live life for all its moments and make each one count...

'Life is a moment. For a moment it's there and in a moment it's gone'

'i was scared...because i was ignorant' (phir milenge) .. How true. So often we fear the unknown simply coz we don't know better..

Dont walk in the shadow of doubt or fear..step out into the light and it will be your guide... (urs truly at her most inspired, during that time when the night before merges into the morning of today)

Parting shots :

"Love life... Neither the beginning nor the end knows whence it comes, for it has no beginning and no end. Life is!!" - J Krishnamurti

Today is a new day folks... Live.

Gone ballistic

2005-03-29T19:54:00.000+08:00

They say a picture says a thousand words... i just have to agree
Let me take u thru my b'day album... in no particular order fr general humanity's and sanity's sake..

chapter 1 : Burpsy Bloopers
*looks at the classic shot of burps spread out on the gymball (details on the gymball will come later), resembling some odd and exotic cross breed btwn a lizard and a sloth..eyes bulging, looking like it cldnt decide if it was :
1) dying a slow painful death
2) reflecting on its life and its numerous traumatic experiences
3) Attempting to do yoga
If i go on lookin at this pic, i'll die of violent convulsions due to the laughing fit - 'well,at least she died laughing', they'd say.
Flip the page....AND....there's burps again...in her praying (preying??) mantis pose...so much fr aspiring reebok model..
Dont even get me started on this one.
So many strange and bizarre words begin with 'B' dont they... birthdays, blogs, Burps,ball(like my new gymball, the star of the day and the highlight of many photos - apart frm burps,she's the comic relief- and the inspiration fr our gymball catalogue)
Let me start frm the top.

Chapter 2 : Bday Bogus Bonanza
It;s gonna be hard to forget Good friday 2005....for one, it was Goodfriday,holi and my b'day all rolled in one & how many ppl have the honour and privelege of having a b'day on such a special day...special ppl of coz..and there arent tht many of us arnd either...
for 2...it was eventful...eventful-o-eventful.Imagine being woken up early (ok early by my standards) to hear tht there are some random ppl standing at the gate...my maid was the messenger who looked pretty traumatised...and that my friends, is not a pretty sight to wake up to...well to put things in perspective, i guess its a prettier sight than what i saw when i looked in the mirror just before heading out, still half asleep...oh actually, fully asleep till i saw myself in the mirror, then i half woke up...talk abt rude awakenings.(yogaJ: so now u know why im epiphobic.)
so i step out, lookin like a shampoo advertisement gone very wrong,in my happening electric blue nightgown (i shld count my lucky stars, it cld have been worse...ALOT worse)..ok so there's the surprise troupe consisting of my goondot golliwog friends, s(m) holding a bright yellow mango mirror cake looking like he had a time&place -crisis ie : no clue what he was doing & why he was there.Then of course there's s(f) in bright pink smiling away and looking stressed at the same time, one of the few ppl i know who can do tht...leavin u unsure as to whether u ought to be stressed or not! and of coz there's yogaj grinning broadly& ( im guessing here), lookin at me trying to decide if i was really surprised or not...heh..pooh basically enjoying the drama and soaking it all in, and mr bs looking..actually i cant remember how he looked coz it dindt quite register but im inclined to think he looked stressed coz he probably wsa..the pooor chap comes alll de way across the island to my house only to rush off without even having a peice of cake offered to him!See, this is what happens when u sleep-host. oh wait, maybe mr bs looked surprised..since he wasnt expecting to meet me on good friday and all....(rite bs???) *grin...oK So that was the surprise troupe.Quite a colourful & motley assortment i must say..
Announcement : im gonna adopt & modify yoga's (very apt) petnames, dsnt speak volumes fr originality,but standardization might help...also the brackets are kinda getting to me...so henceforth, s(f) and s(m) they shall be referred to as evil and frankenstein respectively)
So there's me, my presents, the cake and some of the most lovable & special ppl i know in the world, around the table. (some of the other equally amazing ppl i know weren't around that table due to inevitable circumstances...they were at that point scattered in various parts of the world namely europe, australia and yet some others had to be in other parts of the island due to pressing commitments adn hence were not present - though im sure they were ALL pretty distraught about not being there...hehe...this is dedicated to them, u guys know who u are!)
OK so the usual routine, blow out the candles,cut the cake (psuedo cut of coz..someone else later slices and distributes neat little triangular pieces..the bday girl spares her guests of the agony of having to eat cake of various strange shapes/sizes/consistencies - rather unappetizing, visual lack-of-appeal.
Bday girl ignores guests and the cakes and gets busy opening the presents...

chapter 3 : odd-ball
bday girl eyes the presents...nicely wrapped...happy looking, colourful, beautifully wrapped..
Secretly pleased with number of presents...in times like these, the child inside rears its cheeky head, and reminds u that the increasing number of candles on that cake is just a number...and when it comes to presents, its more often a case of 'the more the merrier'...i wonder if things will change by next yr... hmm..
Tries not to ruin the hard work, artistic professional giftwrapping skills and efforts of frankeinstein in my excitement...successfully unveils the gymball...the GYMBALL...THE gymball...
to be honest fr a split second i had no idea how to react...i mean...how DOES one react to a gymball..and fr those who know me, ud know why i wasnt sure if the gift implied something more..so in my rather confounded and still dazed state.. i decided not to read into it and simply to say thank you to all of them.. little did i know at tht point, that such simple words wld seem inadequate and yet wld mean more than i cld dream of expressing to the ppl who'd made my 24th year in a day.
Among my pressies (argh help im becoming another lazy aussie! :p) there was that adorable moodswings baby-face calendar tht i fell in luv with at the co-op,the bodyshop white musk package and gorgeous earrings, and the scrap book..compiled with so much love and effort..its amazing how something so simple could be so beautiful, meaningful and priceless..confession, i nearly choked up right there adn then lookin at all the lovely notes my friends had contributed to it, esp the 'elang makkals' page ...i was overwhelmed.. i realised how much i missed those dreadful times i whined endlessly abt last sem...page after page, filled with memories,familiar faces i never want to forget and ppl i always want be surrounded by... the feeling i had thru out that day is simply indescribable. believe me when i say that in retrospect, the one word tht leaps to mind when i recollect how i felt that day, is blessed...and thts the closest i can get to any form of expression. Me the queen of verbosity.
And to think i nearly let it pass me by...nearly let it all evade me and id have missed out by my own doing.
And i have u guys to thank fr tht (u know who u are)...fr helping me hear myself, for helping me reflect,for knocking sense into me.
Thank You.All of you.

Chapter 4 : Ball of a time aka rolling good times
Now fr the non-serious funny stuff...im gonna refer you to guest bloggee 1 : pls give it up fr yogaj and read : http://yogajunkie21.blogspot.com/2005/03/ball-of-time.html
..given my happeningly exclusive readership, and the close knit blog community i belong to,i reckon all/most of u have already read this entry. But im convinced i cant do a better job of describing tht afternoon's events. It was in a league of its own. It'll sufficeth to sayeth that i've not had tht much fun in a very long while.
Sorry yogaj, to disappoint- and refer u back to ur own blog...i really cant come up wiht my own version tht will do it justice!
Ok really cant go on..ive managed to bore myself and i get a feeling im not alone, i can sense the virtual nods and yawns...this is waht happens when u blog like there's no tomorrow and when u get bored by your own rambling half way thru.....
no more mood now...pls read btwn the lines where necessary, and know tht i smiled thruought while typing this..and more so that day, right frm deep inside. of coz lookin at the album, i progressed frm smiling to hysterical shrikes of laughter...but thts another story for another rainy day.
Class dismissed. yal can wake up and log off now.

The blank page

2005-03-27T02:42:00.000+08:00

*Counts to 10
*make that 25
*Takes a deep breath and resists the temptation to kick the cpu or shout something rude at the monitor.
*Decides anger,frustration or tears are not gonna help. Its not proactive.
If u haven't already figured it out,
I wrote out practically an entire chapter - a long LONG chapter - all about Goodfriday/Holi/My bday...
and then i decided to save draft adn continue later coz it was gonna be even longer and i was getting too sleepy to finish.
i clicked on save draft.
AND
the whole thing disappeared.
Left with a blank page.Empty.Deflated.
Words,feelings,my deepest thoughts,emotions - all that i poured out,
the blank screen mirrored the emptiness inside.
When just a minute ago, i was fulfilled, smiling contently, as i filled this space with words
I'm not gonna let this dampen my spirits, or deflate the 'bday ball'...
I may be deflated now but dont fret dear fans... i'll be all pumped up again and ready to write.
adn write i will -
coz words are all tht ive got,
sometimes theyre hardly enough.
But read between the lines, and listen hard...
U'll hear what i dind't say, read waht i cldnt write and understand waht i clndt express

I'll be back....soon.
Till then ...So long and thanks for all the fish :p
ps : Life is strange...i started out all chirpy and so deeply happy feeling blessed and just high on life...and now ive produced something about as cheerful and lighthearted as the works of T.S.Eliot and Emily Dickinson combined.
Life.
ps2 : u know waht yogaj!!Incidentally, the title of my post, (the original draft that got sucked into cyberspace) was 'ball of a time' too!!!and i had no clue that tht was ur title until i checked ur blog like 2 mins ago, after i lost mine! Great minds eh! :)

In the mood to quote

2005-03-24T01:24:00.000+08:00

Feeling so sleepy....*looks at the thick stack of readings ....
.....Too sleepy... *Yawns*Will write some other time....Till then... Somethings to reflect on:

" I can only know that much of myself which i have had the courage to confide to you"

Sounds of Silence (From the movie, 'The Graduate')

"And in the naked night i saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
No one dared
disturb the sounds
of Silence."

We are such stuff that dreams are made of...

2005-03-19T15:28:00.000+08:00

Quote worthy.....

"Time is the substance I am made of. Time is a river which sweeps me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire. "
-Jorge Luis Borges, Labryrinths

"Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves - slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this moment is life." -Thich Nat Hahn

"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot." - Michael Althsuler

"Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow." - Mathew Browne
(this one's my personal favourite and my mantra... most unfortunate...)

cheerio ppl....no thoughts of my own today, hence your all spared of a mini-epic style post!
:p

"Nothing is as far away as one moment ago"

Through the looking glass

2005-03-16T02:22:00.001+08:00

Selection Theory
Had a really interesting soci tutorial today..The presenting group did a fantastic job and made the class highly engaging. Sides it was about friendship,something that always fascinates adn appeals to me. Coz i think its an indispensable aspect of my life.
How do we form friends...is it a matter of 'birds of a feather flock together' or 'opposites attract'...
what exactly is tht 'chemistry' that brings and keeps people together...even the most unlikely and mismatched candidates bridge their differences by building a wonderful bond. Its beautiful as a phenomenon.
Of coz there's a whole lot of sociological and psychosociological theory involved,which i will not go into..this isnt a mini soci tutorial!

"Each to each a looking-glass
Reflects the other that doth pass"

But just stuff to ponder on...How do we make friends...do we consciously choose/select/deselect or does it just happen?
How is it some ppl naturally gravitate towards one another,while others get "keep away" signals from a mile away??
And what if this initial ' keep away' vibe is really just a misguided 1st impression and what if negative perceptions change to become positive over time?
With others...its a matter of circumstances, sometimes ur even forced to become acquainted due to circumstances, the way i ended up sitting next to my fungi friend in class..we both hated it and never thouhgt we'd stick it out. She hated me coz she thought i was a spoilt brat, i guess i was, and i wasnt exactly in awe of her either, to put it mildly. Thought she as a bossy chatterbox who clndt sew to save her life - (well neither can i...but thts another matter!) I spent much of my home econs lesson wondering why this strange girl was sewing a witch on her pouch and upon completion,when she proudly declared it was michael jackson - THE michael jackson, i nearly flipped. Trust me, his downfall and defamation started right there, with that pouch and in that Sec 1 home econs embroidery class.
In sec 3, We just sat next to each other coz we were both stubborn donkeys with too mch ego and pride - And look where that lead us..a 10 year friendship that just gets better with time.I always wonder what would have happened if we had given in and sat elsewhere - i dont really want to know.
And yoga...i still remember how i used to be soo intimidated by her- not coz she was intellectual or anything mind you, far from it!she used to scare me with her corny jokes, which i assure you i dreaded coz i DID NOT GET THEM and i dindt find em funny...but i felt stupid coz i thought i was supposed to find them funny and something was wrong with me/ i just didnt get it *sheesh, i really was stupid back then!* so yea..then cmae the one big day tht broke the ice - iceberg rather - when she told me about the hit and run accident whereby a bicycle or something hit her, adn she got up and ran (ie: hit and run) - coz she didnt want to be booked for jay walking.That cracked me up.And i'd never have thought tht particularly day would have played such a big role in my life coz i ended up spending 4 precious yrs of uni life with her, and she's never failed to crack me up since ( and thts somethnig thts kept me going)... and of coz the rest is history.
Friendships based on Similarities, Bonds tht bridge Completely opposite and yet complimentary characteristics/personalities,friends that uve known since u can remember, friends formed with the bat of an eyelid, u dont know how nad when exactly it happened but it did and its every bit a blessing.Friends you meet every day, friends you dont have to meet and yet theyre always there in spirit,friends youve never even met and yet ur able to call him/her 'my friend' and smile about it.
The friends who appear from nowhere,and remind you that theyre there even when you forget...
Just when u thought u were all alone - u realise that youre not alone afterall- or maybe everybody else is, essentially alone, and in that way, nobody's ever really is...Im not making much sense anymore am i?

"You know that place between asleep and awake? Where you still remember dreaming? That's where I will always think of you." -Tinkerbell

I can keep going with unnamed friends - unlikely candidates,uncanny circumstances and unexpectedly desirable consequences...I beleive in divine intervention. I strongly beleive ppl come into our lives fr a reason...and If/when they leave or stay there's also a reason....its meant to be.
Perhaps its all part of a big plan unknown to us...but with the passing of time , it unfolds slowly and things get a bit clearer. Like the pieces of a puzzle coming together to form the big picture - Its a very slow process involving change,growth,pain,loss,gain.....but watching it fall into place is like a watching a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly...we never really will know the value of exactly what goes on in the process. but the end product, is a miracle.
True friends are a handful, but that's coz one always needs to be able to count his/her blessings.

"I do believe I know most of the best people in the world and you've all made my life livable..."
And here's one for the linguists :

The language of friendship is not words , but rather meanings . It is an intelligence above language." -Thoreau

Bits and Bobs

2005-03-13T02:44:00.000+08:00

This is basically a blurpy blog..its bits and pieces and excerpts from emails and random things i wrote or spoke to ppl about today inspired by various events/thoughts...wanted to blog abt it but now that im actually putting pen to paper (fingers to keyboard rather!) i cant be bothered to write it all over again...hence i'm cut & pasting.
Those who find this all too familiar, bear with me or this is ur cue to take the escape route!
:p

Sound of music

I love carnatic music (Basically any kinda classical music)..but more so fr carnatic...the whole morning and evening raagas thingi...i dont know the names and every technical detail and im certainly no candidate , but i like listening to it..its so relaxing...Have always been taken in by the gentle stumming of the tambura...Luv meera bhajans...the nasal whining sounds of the violin....and the whole ghazals and sitar music on a calm breezy evening just does it fr me...They play carnatic music on the local radio channel..somewhere between 5-6am....Sometimes when i stay up all night, i end up sleeping arnd that time, and its almost the most beautiful experience in the world/one of - when its just becoming light otuside, the air is still cool, and theres this gorgeous music in my ears (literally, coz i attach the earpiece to my handphone to listen)...falling asleep to the music while watching the sky...u know.. theres soemthing very satisfying abt coming to bed when u know others are just starting their day,waking up getting ready fr work etc.
I do NOT like the sound of alarm clocks going off... rude awakening..cant think of a worse way to wake up to a new day.
I luv the sound of bells...any kinda chjime..on the 1st of every month at 12 noon the church bells wld ring all over singapore.Its divine.
I remember waking up to sounds of the carnatic music playing in my own house in those good old days when my grandparents were around...its so vivid..there were always 2 radios playing..the carnatic music 1st coz grandma was the 1st to rise - infact i doubt she ever really slept...evne if u happened to pass by her room at some bizarre time of the night or wee hoursof the morning, ud hear her talking with my grandpa..they werent the most lovey-dovey couple..the kind tht makes u wanna coo 'awwww' or makes u wanna puke at their affection either...in fact they hardly talked during the day and argued a lot! But hearing them just lying there, him on his bed and she on a mattress on the floor (they belonged to tht era tht u dindt sleep tog when ur kids grew up...i know...) and they would acually talk,albeit abt the most mundane things...but i donno..it gave me a warm feeling inside and..i miss it, as much as i miss them both coz its so intrinsically part of my memory of them.
Well i digress - so there wsa the carnatic music frm grandma's room and my mom went thru this phase where she felt it was educational to hear the BBC - she kinda took it too far too coz i remember the last thing we heard at night and the 1st thing she wld put on in the morning wld be the BBC channel!!I spent the better part of my childhood and my early mornings plotting ways to destroy that entire network!The period of the civil war was particularly memorable and traumatic fr me!it got seriously morbid and depressing starting the day hearing about oil spills and war in iraq - every morning! So all my dear friends out there, if ur wondering waht went wrong along the way that has made me this way - now u know..i have unleashed the secret!

Walk down memory lane

Been thinking alot about my old house in gardens...so many memories come flooding back.. so many echoes of stuff frm my childhood (guess thts just normal coz tht has such an impact on us). I wld love to live in a very simple single cottage style terrace house..the kind ud find in the remote depths of serangoon gardens..its sad coz those lovely houses are practically becoming extinct due to the way too many multi storey high rise metallic bungalows springing up all over the place. I grew in up in one of those simple humble little houses .... in gardens - spent nearly 18 yrs of my life there and i loved it..such a simple,quaint place though its changing at a rapid pace and not umch of its essence is left save the chomp chomp and the really old houses in which the original occupants still happily dwell...living contented lives almost oblivious to the 'modehrn' urban village (pseudo holland village) its being transformed into. There was a time when all the houses were uniformly small and humble, rockstone walls, and identical gates,windows,lay outs and almost every house had a tiny garden with bougainvileas (bet i spelt tht wrong) alamandas...and we had jasmine too..and the streets had such nice old fashioned british names...mine was worthing road...ive always liekd the sound of that..kind of has a ring to it. There's kensington park,huddington avenue,burghley drive,corfe place (one of my favourites),chistlehurst...and so many more..and the whole place was so pleasant and friendly..ud know practically everyone in ur street and the others too..esp among indians (needless to say!) and there was nothing pompous or glam or formidable about even the relatively grand houses...things have changed considerably now.
Ok so dragging us back to my point...a house like that wld be nice..after my grandma died adn stuff happened..we had to move..and i was really excited abt moving into a flat where we cld decide our own interior decor adn there dindt have to be a trace of linolium or ceramic tiles anywhere (worthing road was ceramic EVERYWHERE...i still am allergic to tht look!!!)..but 7 yrs and 2 flats on..i do miss the space and a garden and if i cld live anywhere in the world when i have my own home, it wld be in serangoon gardens.
OR
id love to live in a sort of villa somewhere by the sea!The sea is a non negotiable!!Too influenced by 'rebecca' perhaps, and this place we stayed at in mendera, south of perth - it was a HUUUUGE BUNGALOW with the indian/pacific (no idea whch one) ocean at ur doorstep...ok not doorstep but u had to walk like 10 steps out that house...and u cld see the sea frm every room...its a DREAM.

Room with a View

Oh well...a girl can dream! But wherever im gonnalive, i must have at least a room with a view..be it the sea, lots of greenery or the sky at least!

Was reading 'The dark room' AGAIN...just felt like reading bits of it...its one of those books u could read over and over again.I love RK Narayan books and the way he describes indian living is just amazing...its all so wonderfully and uniquely indian - the way he writes about Malgudi, the carefree childhood of the swami & friends..the school life,the women draped in indigo saris - elegant adn distinguished...the smart young man in his chocolate coloured tweed coat, cricket matches and jutkas and tiffins - yea yea im a theeni pandaarum but those scenes where the kids come home fr tiffin and coffee...or for the rice and curd adn mustard potatoes...still makes me drool!!its so tempting!Do u remember they used to have the 'Malgudi days' series a loing time ago..they used to show it on one of the local channels and it was simply beautiful...the music still plays on my mind, very disturbing nad nostalgid...its this haunting,sad humming which goes " thaa naa neh na neh na neh naaa". i remember loving those half an hour episodes...'the postman' one of my all time favourites, then there was the one on leela;s chain which eventualy is foudn in the tamarind pot while her innocent servant/playmate is unjustly accused and punished..RKN is such a born story teller.Not just in terms of plot..but there's so much culture in his writing...rich, authentically indian flavour..He's such a fantastic writer.

Almond Milk Handwash

That smell will always mean something special to me...
That cozy warm house always smelling of spices and various delicious treats...the garden groomed with much love and dedication...the tea...warm and soothing...the people..words wldnt do much justice.
The long winding dimly lit road..the long walk to wolfson - we had to pass a room with a light on.
A light in the attic.
Cobblestone streets...The swans, the river, the canopy of creamy roses,
Dil Chata Hai and the ghazal music in the gorgeous house, freshly painted walls...colours - rich beautiful hues..bro boru..baileys.
The man on the rocking chair...with a book, soft music playing...his rosy cheeked,crinkly-eyed grin..ever so genuine and lovable.
The sea....
Blue...green....clear and glistening...
The waves....
Jellyfish..
i dont want to remember jellyfish...its starting to hurt.
I dont know if i dont want to remember, or i dont want to forget.
It Still hurts.

Anger management

2005-03-05T15:55:00.001+08:00

I woke up this morning, as grumpy as disagreeable as i could be, and totally unlike the contented and happy girl i was when i went to bed last night.
Its a curious phenomenon which ive encountered many times and i was gratified to discover, all those years ago, that i wasnt alone - it happened to katy too.
Katy Carr from 'what katy did'
It was a revelation...tht book..
I remember reading 'What katy did' when i was an equally silly and hot headed girl of 11..and i could relate to the stubborn and quicktempered katy, always getting into scrapes and petty fights with the younger siblings...soft on the inside hard on the outside...had all the potential to be loving and affectionate but somehow it came out the total opposite...it was all too familiar (still is, sadly).... i remember how i read that book over and over again and as proof of that, it lies now in my bookshelf, tattered,dog-eared (i try not to tho!!!) and half the pages coming loose...all signs of my enthusiasm and fond obsession with the book...vividly remember (reading abt) the day she wakes up grouchy and irritable, the ill fated day tht she falls of the swing simply coz of her strong rebellious streak and impulse to defy the well meaning aunt izzie. That chapter made an impression on me..i remember thinking, if only the aunt had told her why she shldnt swing that day..i felt katy was justified in wishing she had been forewarned..but thats life fr u...we dont get elaborate warnings, we get a sign, a hint a clue at the most, we either take it or we don't - and then face the consequences.
I loved that book...the names/characters...Immogen Clarke,Clover,..their adventures, the picnics, the loft, the poems and rhymes like stories within the story (thinks of mrs smith standing there talking about the russian doll effect and chaucer)...the heavenly tasting (or so i imagined) drink that i used dream about..the cinnamon sticks they chewed on..
Pooh and i talked about divine interventions the other night. How sometimes such terrible things happen to us, massively unfortunate or so it may seem at that time..but there's always a silver lining..perhaps tht needed to take place in order for something far worse to be prevented?Perhaps what could have followed wld have been far worse than the 'divine intervention' tho it seemed like the greatest calamity at that time.
Sheer naivete?Disillusioned and Idealistic?Maybe.
Optimism and undying faith?The ability/willingness to see the sun behind the clouds?
Perhaps.
Its all about perception.
That book had a lot to offer...
(I still wonder how one can go to bed feeling one way and emerge the following morning feeling completely the opposite way)
...lessons about life and the learning journey that Katy embarks upon...and how she evolves from an aggressive bully, albeit with a good heart, into a mature and giving young lady. Wow... maybe i have some hope.. *wishful thinking* - gets one nowhere or so ive been told..but it cld just be a start cldnt it.An initial spark might be all it takes..
Everything after all, needs to start somewhere.

Laughter & other tragedies

2005-03-04T10:53:00.000+08:00

This is inspired by nothing in particular and everything else...
1st things 1st..was great talkin with u too agentM!Fr the record, I didnt go fr my morninglesson either..hehe but not much loss lah..wld have slept thru it i think!sides, it was worth the catching up...sorry u had to miss ur 1st tut tho..dont make this a habit - as much as im sure talkin to moi wld have made been more than worth it..hehe...and hey go get tht tonsil thingi checked out, don't sit on it and wait fr it to get worse u hear?!Prayin hard fr ur job hunt dude..gimme de good news soon and take care of thyself adn thy tonsils!!Tsk tsk!
And yoga-j tht's ur idea of an inspiring comment isit?!Tsk!Disappointing by even my linguistic standards man!Ur becoming abt as inspiring as HCLik - but since u wrote that warm and beautiful blog abt the house..maybe you have some hope afterall. (I'm sure agentM wld agree, as wld the rest of ur reader-club) I loved reading it..gave me this 'bitter sweet symphony' kinda feeling..particularly luv the way it ends..do NOT delete it!
So now back to the non-stuff...
well nothing much really..and i've been told i shld try to write shorter adn more comprehensive blogs...but ive always been an extremist...i either go the whole way or dont move at all..so tuff..hehe..well i'm always grumpy 1st thing in the morning... i'll be fine by tonight.
Tried clearing some of the clutter around and within my head this week...generally went quite ok i think..except a certain bitter aftertaste which i hope wont last too long..still have questions but i suppose thats just healthy..a sign that Im still pretty much alive and conscious rather than inert.Its been a week of mixed feelings...good days adn bad..definitely memorable. imptant thing is, its been a week..and things have changed..what more proof that life goes on eh.
Watched hide & seek wiht Jazz, it was M.A.D... we entered late, and to make it worse, we werent the most discreet abt it...no idea waht started it but we were laughing thru out the movie like freaks, fr no rhyme or reason...and at the most psychotic adn intense scenes we wld be most tickled and sat there doing everything within our subhuman power to stop the disruptive noises escaping from us which sounded lke we had some chronic breathing problem & were choking, desperately breathless and gasping fr air (which we were, but coz we were covering our mouths and noses sooo tight)..and by the time it ended we were so embarassed we just wanted to sink in btwn the seats...there ws just one word on our minds : HIDE...Bizarre i tell u..but it was so much fun...crazy good fun and brot back so many memories of pri sch..the age of innocence and insanity(things havent changed thaaat much frm then)...when we wld laugh fr no reason and wldnt be able to stop.... and of coz there was tht time when i had to sing fr an inter-level singing competition and i went up there...and halfway thru started laughing...i called it SIS..stress-induced-symptom...my instinct is to laugh...it was so embarassing..it was the day my sister, an innocent, unsuspecting, much humiliated and traumatized p1 student at tht time, disowned me...i dont really blame her ..im still pretty embarassed by myslf!! The judges had to ask me to stop and start over...sigh...and did i learn...oh no, that wld be too normal fr me..i started laughing yet again...i think God needed his share of laughter and comic relief and as a reward, he decided to let me have the 3rd prize which added insult to the injury coz it was far frm well deserved, and the whole school, me included, thought so too...sigh.
Then of course there was that time me,jazz and sumi decided to entertain the entire sch's indian population during mOther tongue assembly ..by...whaddya know...Singing again... i knowwww..i was pretty thick skinned in those days...and i was given the priveleged job of strictly singing in the chorus when 2 of em joined in...by the time we got to the 2nd stanza, i was in giggling like an insane airhead...and making futile attempts to camouflage it too...by the time we got half way thru, my laughing spells infected the still singing duo and we were all in stitches...we practically had a laughing fit rite up there in front of everyone.
Any offers to boost my dormant- since-then aspiring vocalist career....any takers??Contact me immediately.
Laughter is an amazing thing...it just brings ppl closer...esp when u can laugh about classic memories which u found anything but funny at the time tht it happened...it just makes everything ok somehow...some wise person has said if u can laugh abt it 10 yrs frm now, u might as well start now...very wise indeed.
No lacking in the laughter department fr me...no sire, no such luck...it has its down sides which noone really writes quotes adn poetry about..fr instance when my entire class was punished by a particularly stern and scary hist teacher - Sng, will never forget tht name...(agentM u might remember this one...still in those days tht u hated me & thot i was some spoilt and wonky dingbat...ironic eh..hehe) but yea...he made the whole class stand while he walked arnd inspecting each of us like we were repulsive worms to be disected and thus gotten rid off!ANd it started..yet another one of my Fêted laughing fits...it was painful,in retrospect i dont nkow where i got the guts...it wasnt guts..it was stress...like my theory suggests, its stress induced behaviour afterall. I will never forget how he noted me, and my mocking, or so it must have seemed to him, convulsions of laughter & desperate attempts to stop...it was traumatic. ANd it dindt make it better when he singled me out, and said 'YOU..come out now'...argggh...i think my reminiscing can stop at this point...what followed was Not pleasant...he confiscated my pen which at tht time was my most cherished posession and complained to my form teacher, who also happened to be my geog teacher...perhaps i shld add tht geog was Not my fav subject or my forte and she was not impressed....i felt reduced to a kindergarten delinquant...sigh.
And then of coz the countless times i had laughed when someone fell, or something painfully funny happened to someone...(painful to them, funny to me - NOT FUNNY to them)...when my mom fell straight into the drain at ECP.. while scolding me abt something i'm sure *suppresses a giggle - and nO i was not willing it in my mind, gasp how cld u even think that?!), when kanz got his fingers caught in the door by his own doing and skill...when anyone fell...when the flower pot landed on mould...i hated myself fr it, just like the other times...and wondered what kinda friend/daughter/person i must be...(looks guiltily at mo...sorrreeee...i dindt mean to,realy!!)and its true.. i really really cant help it, i promise..its not coz i wanna laugh or coz im being vicious or sadistic...i just see the funny side of it and tht plays on my mind again i think....i feel the person's pain, & i do get worried and stuff... but its out of sheer anxiety and helplessness, my instinct is to laugh..applies not just to others, but to me too!Beleive me, i laugh hardest when i fall or do something equally embarassing..ask anyone who's had the misfortune of being arnd me during some kinda mishap...there have been many occassions...my mom's gotten the worst of it...she just falls alot i guess....& she's gotten used to my reactions...after much doubt on her side, if i was psycho or void of any kinda humanitarian capacity to sympathise , i think she understands my plight now...hey its not easy one me either! its not something im proud of, its somthing ive been trying to quit...in vain so far tho i think ive learnt better ways to control myself...but fr now, the fact remains...thts my coping mechanism....i laugh.
Sigh
The days of my life.
Someone did say : "Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion"
True...
hmm...but then again someone else has said
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
This makes some sense too...
i really wonder...back to the box of acquiescence i go... *still with me ck?*
I have my doubts somehow...
...I've always wondered what wld happen if my prospective mother-in-law happened to trip on her sari or smethin and fell flat on her face on our very 1st meeting...and i laughed....
ARGH...
or if i met 'the one' and he decided, upon witnessing my most unfeeling and seemingly cruel reaction, that perhaps i was not the one afterall...tht wld be funny now wldnt it.
Seriously...these are among some of my deep dark fears and i do worry abt it!
maybe i need help...and i shld get help... before i come to a point i cant laugh anymore, or theres; nothing funny abt my life left...i wonder if thats what ppl mean by tragic comedy :s
Funny how an entire posting on laughter is so not funny...far frm it... im sitting here cringing and really dont feel like laughing abt any of it.

"You can't deny laughter; when it comes,
it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."

- Stephen King .... he wld have said somethnig like that!!!
Oh welll...
So much for short ones eh mouldee...
Tuff.... hehe
:)

2 way street

2005-02-25T14:09:00.000+08:00

Its funny and yet far from funny how lonely you can feel when surrounded - engulfed even- by practically half a nation...and yet there are days when you are all alone, and your just sitting there spending time basking in your own thoughts, and the pleasure of your company and you feel fulfilled..its amazing how much of difference there is between being alone and feeling lonely..difference to an extent its really not so subtle anymore.
The question remains if we're essentially social creatures or not...why did the whole 'no man is an island' notion come about..perhaps thts waht we are meant to be..and yet most of us spend our lives trying to forget that and run away from it by hiding ourselves amongst masses of people and burrying ourselves within heaps of momentary, transient and often petty issues,feelings etc...not only our own but those of others as well..
it wld be easier if we were all individual islands dont u think...we wld be detached and unaffected by one another...and dehumanized - which seems to defeat the underlying point of human existance (which i think is to do all in our power to not just exist) - but it might just make it all easier.
There might as well be a manual..some kinda idiot proof guide book...telling us when to ignore our instincts...whn to follow them...when to know waht to do and when to not do it..how far to go..most important that.
Its not nice doing something when youre wondering the entire time if u shld do it, if u want to do it, why your doing it in the 1st place and if youre doing it fr the right reasons...
nope..its really not nice.
it cancels out the intention behind the deed, no matter how genuine or well-meaning it may be.
it cancels out how much effort or affection or happiness went into something...and shakes the sheer foundation of one's faith in the meaning of bonds and soulful relationships..
is it worth it when you do something u wanna do...initially ur convinced u want to do it..and then u start to wonder if u should do it...later, wonder if u stilll want to do it and at the end of it all, after a short period of wondering if u shld have done it, you are back to a state of conviction...more convinced than ever that you shld not have done it.
Life really is a circle..do i sense the principle of oracular reasoning somewhere in this??
Ive always had spinal problems..but recent events have been a great confirmation that its a major problem indeed ... the lack of one.
I think i have my principles,beliefs,desires,dislikes...and then i hear another perspective and i'm inclined to lean towards that - just slightly perhaps, but yet it alters my take on something i was sure abt just a conversation ago...and then yet another fresh even contradicting perspective comes my way and voila! Im confused, and completely thrown of balance. So much for having my own mind and spine..I'm the most extremely opiniated person i know, who dsn't have an opinon..certainly not one that wouldnt keep changing like the education system of the meritocratic democractic province..ahem i mean island im part of.
Forget the abstract stuff..the rhetorical stuff tht has no answers like the point of life and humanity etc...waht about the simple things like being happy, making someone happy...what if they clash..like wanting to make someone happy even if it means the means to that end might make them unhappy...how do u know that perhaps the end product might be so overwhelming (i hate this word) - in a postive sense of the word - that it might undermine the unhappiness surrounding the strategy..we cant know can we..to me at least, its about taking a stab in the dark..its about saying to yourself at the end of the day, 'well i tried.' Its about living in the moment, and not even taking tht moment fr granted...coz the very next moment, may cease to be yours..but wait..we are the transient ones..time remains...how easy it is to forget this simple fact..with that in mind, endeavour to live in every moment, coz who knows, beyond that moment, we may not be.
Sure its morose and all..but its the fact of the matter and the truth hurts...i guess thts why its tht much easier to forget, and to take everything fr granted, including ourselves.
Why do such dreadful words begin with 'D'
Dissillusionment..disappointment..dysfunctional..denial..doubt/dubious..Dengue-fever....hmm..
Im sure there are as many or maybe even more D words that are irrefutably(does such a word even exist..see this is precisely why i shld have done some lexicology module somewhere in my illustrious linguistic career) definitely positively inclined.
Detachment..fascinating word...probably the most neutral, ambiguous word i know...apart from destiny i think.
Soltitude is not a physical state..its a mental,emotional and psychological state..(in lingustics there's material, mental,behavioural etc...it never ceases to amaze me how things being to make sense in retrospect) you dont have to do anything to estrange yourself from others (indeed its possible to even estrange urself frm ur own self)...i cant begin to fathom why ppl seek isolation, and practice it as a physical thing, when soltitude is within.
If we are made up of a body,soul/spirit..how can we ever reallyy be alone when we are with ourselves... i do admire ppl who can enjoy their own company and who do not perpetually need others...those who are emotionally self-reliant.. but i really dont know if its something to attain...like a state of moksha/nirvana and its equivalents...its a matter of perspective isnt it..its abt where ur coming frm, where ur lookin from...
I dont know if i'll be able to understand....fully, partially..or anything at all..if ever
i dont know if i should
i dont know if i want to.
At the end of the day we're all different...essentially similar and yet in sooo many ways fundamentally different..its interesting, and challenging to celebrate the differences just as we would the similarities. Afterall we are made to be different..we have every right to be..there's no standard 'shld be'/ 'shldnt be'.
Hah..how simple it all is in theory.
I guess i need to accept 1st tht there isnt a manual...there isnt a guide...except divine interventions and instincts which one shldnt ignore too often..I need to constantly negotiate between 'the other'and 'the self' to strike tht balance...and hopefully emerge relatively certain about the inclinations of 'the self'....we can be inclined towrds others...towrds reaching out...but i tihnk its mandatory to stabilise the self, the I/me, the 'what i stand for' before we seek/strive to reach out...back to the within/without quote..one of my mantras.
Its probably the fundamental principle behind the aircraft safety thingi, where ur advised to secure your oxygen mask and life jacket before helping others. Thats not fundamentally selfish..hardly. a drowning person cannot save anyone...its not about being self sacrificial..its about being sensible...nope, thats not selfish at all...not the way i see it anyway. Do i sense myself going towards the lane of subjective perceptions...riiiight...... *takes a u turn*
Maybe it wld serve me well if i sorted some stuff out witihn, before meddling with the free spirits adn individuals whom im connected to/with..whom may not be connected to me...and spend my life wondering if we really are as connected as i think we are...
life and its ironies...some of us are perpetually running away from things, from loneliness, from uncertainty, from ourselves...while some of us are constantly running towards these very same things...
I'm pretty stable i think..coz if nothing else, im certain of one thing, the way i feel - i'm going against traffic.
Then again, its never always a continuous stretch...how long can the highway last...soon we're bound to reach a two way street...a junction, a U turn, a traffic light. Something.

I should go..have a test on in a few minutes...and none of this is going to matter in ... months,yrs to come.
Shld let it go.
And yes, a very wise person , whom i can't thank enuff for being a constant, timely sense of solace from across the miles, perhaps without even knowing how much it has mattered/helped at tht point , has said - among lots of reassuring and thought inspiring things, that there's only one way to go - forward.
So let's go forth with alacrity..
we dont have thaaaaat much time to look back..let alone be stuck in the dark and backward abysm of time. Sometimes all it may take to come out into the light, is a single step.
As simple as that...If only we knew that and remembered it.
Oh well....Something's gotta give....
Life is to be lived...live it.Love it.Celebrate it.Cherish it.
Sheeesh i sound like a shah rukh wanna be...might as well go all the way now and do the whole works.....
kal ho na ho.

* start music !

Nostalgia : A dedication

2005-02-23T00:07:00.000+08:00

This one's fr yogajunky -
I just read Yoga's blog adn i'm not sure if my nostalgic mood rubbed off on her, hence inspiring that posting...or if her posting has rubbed off on me and made me nostalgic all over again!In anycase, we're inspiring each other in some kinda mutual, interconnected causal way!
I just wanna go on record & say 2 things.. firstly..
That was a truly beautiful blog yoga!!It was very heartwarming and it really made me reflect on the things tht matter...and how much ive taken fr granted...it was simple, sincere and a lovely read.
And 2ndly...
Of coz i dindt forget you lah u twit!!Gasp!how cld u even think that *clutches heart in pain with a melodramatic offended expression*...grin...id hav thot that by now,these things are understood and hence understated u goondot!
My memories of NUS will never be complete without the happening times spent with yogaj..there are just too many special moments and memories - and u know how it is when u either list all or none....I mean where does one even begin!?
As my saviour in sch, rite frm the early days when i cldnt even find my own faculty and cldnt decide what to wear on fridays..and then when it came to horrible elang stuff that i just cldnt understand (and still dont - think phonology and syntax) - & in just so many ways right up to date that if i cld round my entire uni life into one word, it might just start with a 'B'!
U know yoga, all tht stuff u wrote abt, really brought a smile to my face just remembering all of those times..i mean loookin back 10 yrs frm now, i'm sure its these little things that i'm always gona remember and smile abt (and laugh about, like how u fell on the stairs while tryin to race..and that oreo song u and shalu made up..and gosh the list goes on!)

ps : even my title reminds me of that awful movie we watched in lit class, where u dont know if the anything really happens or if the guy's dreaming it all in his own head!BIZARRE movie man and i remember that sound of dripping water thru out the movie was just UNBEARABLE..sheesh enuff on nostalgia.

Sigh....i wish we cld meet as often as we used to...the emptiness is pretty sick after all those times..and it all comes back sometimes, thus highlighting how different thnigs are now...i miss it all too..but well its not too late..there's still time before we graduate..Do all that stuff uve always wanted to do, and not look back in regret...well i guess there will be, but in the larger scheme of things, there shldnt be a gaping hole where things tht really matter ought to be...we may not get to join the ridge and write (arrggh!so much fr not havin regrets) but oh well...there's always the other things, which we still can and shld do!!!Seriously....its never too late to make new friends, get to know the classic & colourful characters among our happening EL lot..(do the things i'm not sure i'll ever get to do now...its funny how things hit u in retrospect)...have lunch with someone new, ...go sit by that bench under that beautiful pathway of trees some evening..reflect & soak in the atmosphere..the breeze, the tranquility..and we'll take walks in campus under the changing sky at twilight & we'll def stay over in the forum before we leave, just fr old times sake..and of coz this includes wee hour walks to fong seng fr yummy stuffed prata concoctions!!we must ok!!!Must promise ourselves and make it a point to do it!Let this sickening term paper-deadline-ISM crappy period be over...we'll do it all...and we'll live it up and make the most of our last semester... and we'll make it truly special and that much more memorable - ending it all with a bang as they call it!Fr now, do ur ISM!! Pour ur soul, spirit & sincere effort into it...I'm sure you'll do great.

SO there u go - an entire post in thy honour...hehe...well after tht inspiring blog, u asked fr it dude!! hehe...Here's to u yogajunkie & cheers to making new memories and always cherishing the old ones!Cheers to making every day count, in some way or other...and thanks fr making my uni life worth reminiscing,writing and smiling about!

" Between the conception And the creation
Between the emotion And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long
Between the desire And the spasm
Between the potency And the existence
Between the essence And the descent
Falls the Shadow "

- T.S.Eliot : 'The Hollow Men'

Nonchalant

2005-02-16T17:24:00.000+08:00

There's something very comforting and reassuring about meeting up with old friends..ppl who have shared your past and remembers the stuff that you've left out..sitting around and reminiscing about 'the good old days'.. remembering funny incidents that have the least significance at least a decade down the road..and yet laughing all over again over classic follies and blunders which you think noone's gonna remember, but actually noone's managed to forget!Been great catchinh up with jazz...im so glad we're back in touch despite the yrs events adn distances between then and now.
Mould has gone back...started missing her even before we got to the airport..felt weird and so familiar it was uncanny..i hate the empty feelign u get at the departure gate man!Felt sad thru out but im real glad i went to see her off...Had a nice v-day with her though it wasnt much time..finally got that much awaited manicure done!Miss de mould..and mould if ur reading this : hope u had a fab time in perth!Email me soon!!
I've been trying to post somethnig fr ages now...but i just manage to save half written drafts...ive so much to say but its just stuck somewhere btwn my throat and my lips..in this case extend the metaphor to apply to typing it all out!Havin a bad case of writer's block...no idea why..and yet i feel there's so much i wanna let out of the system.
I shall whine abt the weather...my favourite activity recently..but can u blame me when the weather is SO HOT AND SICK..and the air stinks all the time,the grass is no longer green but yellow and parched looking...there have been so many bush fires - can u imagine that, bushfires!in spore!Kaliyug indeed!it was in the papers tht its been the hottest summer in 29 years so go figure!
Ok now tht im done with thaaaaat...i shall whine abt the dust and debris and loose wires all over my house coz my mom had a brain wave,combined with depression and some bizarre inspiration to "live life to the max" and decided to renovate our house - which we renovated adn moved into only 3 yrs back!Its madness - we've been nomads the past few nights, sleeping in dffernt rooms,no lights,no fans no anything!And we had to choose the hottest period of the millenium to do this!!Grr!
Im havin a so called term break...which lasts till thurs and i have a test on fri - so its gonna be some term break..bleagh..
Excuse the mood...well, so even if u dont - tuff. its MY mood. u try hving to find EVERYTHING under piles of rubble and tiles and wires, all the time!And havin to bear with a power cut every 2 minutes!And let's see if ur still chirpy and likely nominee of the ms/mr congeniality award!!
Lkin frward to meeting up with pooh to discuss her assignment on South Asian feminism and the prejudice and cruel treatment towards widows,single mothers etc..gonna watch a few of my fav woman-power kinda movies...and analyse..and also get my work done!!!got deadlines comin up reaaal soon and tht test!! *trying to mke myself panic!*
Also gotta catch up with ribena soooooon...ribena if ur reading this, hint hint!! Miss ya dude and hope to seeya soon...hope we can do something on sunday.. well lets see how - wil talk to ya real soon k!
Been in a bitter sweet mood all week...drama fest made things much better...it was sooo nice being back..cant describe it...i just got a really good feeling... seeing ppl ive not seen in ages...and it felt good to be part of something tht brings so many diferent ppl from differnt generations tog..wish mould and pancake were there tho...it was quite a big reunion this yr, was special....its put me in a nostalgic mood..(actually, happens quite often with me.. even normally) but been thinking alot abt the ppl in my life..and abt blessings and what makes me happy...
I guess its important to stop every so often...and stop whining abt the weather...and to just count your blessings...
Nvm if theyre not the same ones as the yr before or even the week before..nvm if the nos dwindle...they're still blessings and atl east there are still blessings to count and be thankful fr.
There are so many ppl i'm thankful to know...both old friends and new...Its nice meeting and maknig new friends...its beautiful watching/experiencing the evolution of a friendship..when it grows from just an acquaintance to something so much deeper, into a special bond between ppl who've grown to become friends... and there's a gd example of a kind of change i'm not allergic to.
So i dont know what ive spoken abt all this time or why ive said all this...probably to avoid getting down to what id like to think/write abt...
Soon soon....can't run and hide from ourself forever now can we?

BLACK

2005-02-10T15:33:00.000+08:00

Just 2 words to begin this with : WATCH BLACK.
To quote amitabh in his inimitable way, 'life is like ice cream..enjoy it before it melts'.
He's at his finest to date i think, in this movie which is larger than life and all encompassing in its portrayal of the emptiness,darkness and silence in the world of the deafblind. It's inspired and somewhat based on the true life story of Helen Keller, a deafblind mute - trapped in her own world, stifled and suffocated,blinded by black and muted and deafened by the silence.. A challenge of a role which Rani Mukherji blossoms and glows in..her talent and true capacity unveiled....and Anne Sullivan, her miracle teacher who brings her into the light - a role performed to perfection by Amitabh, a protrayal enriched by his own magical touch - filled with passion,grit,guts&determination,eccentricity and dignity. Poignant,powerful,Rich,Beautiful - the epitome of black. I think this movie has taken Indian Cinema to greater heights, and it has set new standards.
If u haven't already read the book, ('The story of my life') written by Helen keller herself, this movie will inspire you to..and you'll have no regrets..its an aewsome book, and the movie has done it more than just justice. The movie makes u laugh,smile and cry...and at the end it leaves u sitting there, a lump in ur throat,ache in your chest, tears in your eyes and smile on your face.

As you might have guessed, i luved the movie..it was an experience and has shed light on helen keller's famous quote :
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen, nor touched ... they must be felt with the heart"
How true. How much we take for granted in our lives...to the extent that we don't even realise that the fact that we HAVE all this , is in itself a blessing. And then somethnig like this comes along, and you remember for a day..a week..a month at most??But it also reminds you to beleive in miracles..in the simplest things, coz each one in its own right, is a miracle.And sometimes all it takes to bring about a miracle, is a small change...a person, an event, a word, a touch..
"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light" - Helen Keller.

There's a beautiful line in the movie, when rani mukherji is asked by someone, how many oceans are there in the world, and for that she replies ' to me, every drop is an ocean'. profound.Echoes Helen Keller's words :
"I long to accomplish a great and noble task, but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks as if they were great and noble. "

There' s so much to this movie..as many different angles and aspects as you can see, hidden depths as far as you can reach..wonders as much as you can discover...a kaleidoscope of ideas, emotions, issues - intriguing, the complexities of the human mind and condition. I wasnt intending to make this entire posting about the movie but alas - i told you this movie was larger than life :)
Call me biased, but i was drawn in the minute i knew that amitabh's inspiration was my fav lines frm Robert Frost's 'Miles to go before i sleep'...Goes to show that Great minds are inspired by the same things eh! :p

I was gonna write about my sunny sun burnt day, which i spent at the sports spectra, being an extra..had loads of fun though..I;m glad i finally went for it although its taken me 4 yrs and this is my final year..but it was worth it and i'm glad i had this experience for all this time in uni. Also had a wonderful time at mouldy's lunch..glorious food,masala tea, and watching kal ho na ho with the special ppl in my life, who matter so much and make all the difference to it..doing the most ordinary things, & just being comfortable being with each other...always gives me a great feeling.And of coz black was the perfect finale to an eventful day. Just wish i wasn't sunburnt,red,sore and splotchy-faced!! :(

I had alot more to say..but i think i shall save it fr another time...and leave you for now with some quotable parting shots, from - who else but Ms Keller..chew on these!

"Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourself a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles."

Some of my personal favourites -
"College isn't the place to go for ideas"
"The highest result of education is tolerance"

Cheerio fr now!
:)

Ashes of Roses

2005-02-04T02:19:00.000+08:00

Lvs came over to NUS today for her experiments...it was nice walking around with her,buying the cookies and stuff..it felt like any old regular day doing just another regular thing like buying junkfood at the coop and fries at the gecko...it felt so..normal..yet knowing that its far from normal...now that's weird.but i try not to think too much about these things..dsnt help does it.. :)
Later at her place the experiement with jals was HILARIOUS..i just cldnt help but LOL soo many times and practically ruined the experiement-recording!!!But the guy is just classic..his expressions and the blank looks and lvy's tamil..just too much to take in at one go!!I had a whale of a time..i finally left the room coz i just cldnt stop laughing...was good catching up with jals after so long... we were all talking about how far we've come from the 'pre-pubescent' days as jals called it..and its true..we have all evolved..changed...grown... metamorphosized if u like, to different extents, but still we've come a long way from those uncertain days of raging hormones and confusion and when crises meant having a common test on a sat morning...Now we're talking about careers,marriage..ahem ahem...well some of us are anyway *wink* and settling down,family etc..it felt so nice to watch these 2 goondots sound so settled..a part of me felt it was funny but another part felt reassured and..i don't know..can't get the right words...its all soo grown up and yet i cld have sworn we were in sec 2 not long ago.
Just thought of the times lvs and i took walks to the temple near our houses...even if it was to just sit there for 10 mins..coz it gave us some sense of peace and hope - and more so coz we had an important test the next morning! :p
funny how it's the littlest most ordinary things u miss most..
Like that cold windy thurs morning...when the leaves were flying all around...tossed abt by the unusually strong wind...and i was walking down to meet the mould for the last walk before she flew to tas for the 1st time...i remember it like i know i always will.
Like the walks back home with the pancake from kovan...like the walks in the huge sec sch field, walking and laughing all the way to the air rifle range...oh and the time we pushed her into the swimming pool..she's one person who took such total crap and she was such a sport about it...(miss the nit..Really hope to meet her and the mould tog sooooon...)
Like sitting by the beach with s(f) watching the sunset...
Like sharing cut fruits with yoga.J and later sitting in the forum in some painful,uncomfortable yoga postion, balancing on the balls of our feet since some ppl insisted it aided digestion and yet, i felt sleepy through out the class!!!
Like the walks in the rain with ribena..spending time together,sharing and caring and simply being there for each other, and of course for time to come as well...and all that tea i'm now addicted,i have her to thank for that!!
The out-of-the-blue meetups with mylightfactory in gardens...talking about 'being in our elements'...sharing our experiences and thoughts on the importance of therapeutic 'pamper urself' treatments...and analyzing the purpose of our life..and the 'bigger things' in life.
My grandma's toothless grin...her saying the pledge on national day..
my grandpa coming back from work with 'fruit of the day' and cutting me a piece every night...
Butterfly kisses...the baby smell...the curtains..the books.... and the familiar 'old spirce' cologne...
I can't go on....
Different people...different memories....so many memories it just brings a lump to my throat and a dull ache in my chest...its beginning to hurt.
Well...
Its the little things at the end of the day.
The old memories will always be there.....im making new ones, with both old friends and new...I'm glad i am...new memories...new friends...new bonds..each one unique,special and very very dear to me...all to be cherished memories...in the circle of life. it never ends does it... sheesh i wonder how elton john felt after singing 'the circle of life'...hopefully not like i feel right now..i feel profound in my lameness - or perhaps lame in my profoundness? hehe... :p

These past 2 days..i just feel like dancing...really..i hardly ever feel like that...infact im convinced im one of those ppl who just cannot move and cant lift herself off her feet..i know im rather grounded as a person... but in my case, its gone to uncanny extremes...im just rooted to the ground...most of the time that is..sometimes i surprise myself and feel like running on a windy night...or when i'm feeling unusually light and dizzy and floaty- which i assure you is a VERY RARE phenomenon...and most recently on prom night, which was eons ago,so go figure...and after allll this time...i suddenly feel like dancing..just moving...not being/feeling conscious..but moving to the beat,rythm,music ...of just my heart even...arghh waht the hell am i saying?! dont nkow where that came frm it just sounded soooo...arggh.....hhhhelllllllllllpppppp somethings happening to me!!
Its probably the movie...probably has smehting to do with the way j-lo kept twirling around, her skirt swishing soooo gracefully around her...her legs...her neck...her rythmic moves...so womanly and graceful.....and yet powerful and confident..
It all started after i watched 'shall we dance' with jazz the other night..had a real nice time..shes a lovely person, right down to the warm smile and i just love the way she laughs..its infectious,really..hope she clears some clouds in her thoughts tho..i'm sure things will be ok, sometimes the hardest thing is to not to do anything, except give it time and let it pass...the movie was niiice...i felt so inspired to dance at the end of it (and that's reallyyy saying something!!!) but then again, we're talkin richard gere and j.lo dancing here...so....*thud*.
But the fact still remains that i fell in love with the movie, not in a passions 'the phantom of the opera' obsessive way..but in a smile on the face...tears in eyes sorta ways..such a heartwarming story..and esp the song...'The book of Love' - apparently an old song...its such a beauuuutiful song...i cldnt help but cry when i heard it...Such things really give me some hope, heck the fact that there's some person sitting there writing these scripts, and getting paid for it...heck the fact that we're talkin richard gere and not any regular man in the street...heck that its all scripted....argghh....*THUD* i hate when i rain on my own parade...i hate going to bed as the hopeless romantic sighing and smiling, and waking up the cynical pragmatic realist who's grouchy and bitter...!!!
Oh well...and cant wait to watch 'finding neverland now' -highly recommended by many trusted realiable sources!! its my next goal!And of course my module readings and apart from that finish up soem books that i've started on.

Ok i should end here and go to bed...been a long day..long week...
and here we are again, back at friday...from one fri to the next...
And still its the little things that count...

The Book of Love - Peter Gabriel ('Shall we dance')

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I....I love it when you read to me
And you....You can read me anything

The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I....I love it when you sing to me
And you....You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I.......I love it when you give me things
And you.....You ought to give me wedding rings

And I....I love it when you give me things
And you...You ought to give me wedding rings

And I...I love it when you give me things
And you.....You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings

ps : if your wondering what 'ashes of roses' is all about...its a colour...lav's fav colour in fact.. roses this colour are called cuisse de nymph (hope i got the spelling rite!)... its a kinda dusky,dusty ashy pink..the kind that's shadowy...there and yet you dont know if its there...the kinda gorgeous colour that seems to be a mix of shades..and you can't make out the different shades..where the dust ends and the dusk begins...its all just blended tog.

Innuendos of Ennui

2005-02-02T01:34:00.000+08:00

my word..
can u beleive its Feb...ALREADY...sheesh!!is the world spinning on turbo wheels or what!?Why does everything have to pass us by so fast!
That' s just me venting out my frustration stemming from the fact that i've successfully missed...let me see..3 out 4 lectures for at least 2 modules in the past...er...4 weeks...nice huh.I'm simply the best..i better clean up my act if i have the remotest intention and desire to graduate- let alone with a decent degree!
I dont know if today was an eventful day or an uneventful one..its sorta one of those sitting on the fence ones...it started out like any other day...me waking up late and realising i had better RUSH my bath and etc etc and get out of the house ASAP..and me doing the exact opposite..except..i think i would have made it on time, until i got the call from Vikz...he called to say bye since he was flyin off to holland that very night - he'd be on the flight now i guess..(bon voyage man and hope ur enjoying ur inflight movie!)I had completely forgotten that he was flying off to Holland..felt soooo bad..he'd told me the date way before but i'd been preoccupied with all kinds of rubbish and it completely slipped my mind..anyways managed to squeeze in a short meetup with him to say adieu and bot him chocolates and scribbled a note on this really silly looking notepad...i know...pathetic..but hey...its the thot....NVM....well in any case im glad i got to meet up with him before he left.
After that made my way to the forum for my proj meeting...was late...ok fast forward to lunch with shan..it was really nice sitting and chatting with her for nearly - gasp 3 hours!Talked abt mutual friends..recent events...death...life...religion....etc...it was..soulful stuff, pun unintended!Good chat...was at the expense of my 'soci of work' lecture but let's just say i didn't quite mind..(yes yes ribena..dont glare and stretch out your palm..i promise this is the last ok??)fr the record..i dont intend to make this a terrible habit tho i know it sure looks like im headed in the right direction....but u know, a leeeetle bit of guilt aside.. i enjoyed the way i spent the time..i get a kinda satisfaction..feel as tho i have stopped to smell the roses and that sorta thing..and shan's a lovely person...very simple,down to earth and uncomplicated...and very much 'in her element' as vasuneh would say. i luv that expression
:)
Ok ..so yea...Afterthat went to sci to meet s(f) and met s(m) 1st while waitnig fr her...we had an unconventional (i'm getting used to it tho) and yet interesting (thought provoking) chat on ppl..the essence of our personalities...why we're different with differnet ppl...why ppl are different alone and in groups...comes back the 'me' vs 'i' debate...goffman and social theory on the 'self'...i find it really fascinating...i beleive that there are differnet aspects to all of our essential personas and the different sides are brought out by different ppl...and its hard to tell when we're really really ourselves...some ppl come alive in groups...while others clam up...hm its really an individual thing i guess...so anyways...s(f) turned up soon enuff with ela and mr dentist..interesting group...i'm saynig the word interesting waaaay too many times...im beginning to tire of it myself....fr the want of a better word...oh well.
After that..i jst realised this is probably THE most boring blog i can ever write...its just soooo bleagghhhh....sigh i dont know why im still at it...but nvm...i caught up with bbs and bs in the library..we were all whispering thru out, a good almost 2 hrs, and trying to laugh without getting thrown out of the library...journals section somemore!!best... but it was reallyyyy nice catching up with em...hey yoga if ur reading this hope ur meeting with koala went well and that u did hav substantial data to dazzle him with! Lkin frward to more sessions like today..but hopefully i dont take up so much of ur work time..still feel bad abt tht....sowwwyyy :/
Fast forward how the booth selling my soci module course pack was closed and hence i cldnt buy it...and the readings aint online so cldnt zap either...so yea...i left sch...basically havnig done nothing more than catching up and chatting with friends..saw the usual grp in sci canteen..also so saw pooh as a bonus..finally saw her in sch....(oh ya,forgot,bumped into josephine too!!she looks soo nice...well whats new but yea..it was great seeing her...miss seeing her arnd so it was such a pleasant surprise)...ok fast forward to city hall mrt where i was gonna meet ribena to go home tog with her...needless to say i kept her waiting...got off at de wrong station...later got lost,finally found the rite line- the whole works lah, im just hopeless or 'simply champion' as she would say soo endearingly (showing no sign of wanting to throttle me despite waiting fr me after a long day's work)... *guilty look! - but that's why she's such a sweet-heartfied goondot...or goondotfied sweetheart...wattttevvvaaa!!!
Aside : (Sorry again goondot,and thanks for meeting up...grt seeing ya ms professional babe! Wear the beige coloured power suit next time ok!!)
anyways finally met her and went home..nice end to my 'social butterfly' day. So much for aspiring socialite, i better get down to readings..got tutorials coming up...arggh!
Ok announcement time...
congrats oh the mouldy one on ur 1st published work on the WWW. Grt job indeed..so proud of u dudette...and cheers to more to come and to seeing ur mouldy name on print!Ok now u can leave me a nice long comment on my blog...hehe...and oh yes...had a really good time last night...felt like the good old days when we took those nice long morning walks...and it was damn nice at night too...enjoyed the walk and the company...thanks dude..and thanks fr the patience while i decided (tried to at least!!!!) which earrings to get! Btw... I like the ones i got :)
ok..i'm sleepy and bored to tears by my own writing....
*yawns
till next time......hopefully when i got better things to write....
Cheers...have a happening feb....
Carpe diem folks - no really...

Quotes of the moment :
"when you reach the end of your rope..tie a knot and hang on!"
"When you're prepared to die, only then are you prepared to live"

Music of the night :
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.......

Somewhere only we know

2005-01-24T14:16:00.000+08:00

"A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last."

...isnt this is a beautiful poem..and the thing i find sad about is, the writer (charlie daniels) wrote it on his way to his friend's funeral..
The past few days have been surreal - wonky, as ribenaberry wld say (and she'd know what i'm referring to)...I think its one of the best words ever invented..up there in the lofty league of worthy creations such as goondot and koala-kanga of course..its all encompassing and it just means everything u want ti to mean at that point. What more can one expect of a single word! Well anyways..yea..wonkiness..i wonder if its just yet another thing im going to have to get used to..maybe that's best..when u cant beat em join em, probably just means "Tuff!get used to it!"
What ds one do when one wants to say so much and yet one cant find the words for it..when words just aren't enuff..when there's so much to go into that perhaps its better to linger at the doorway, rather than enter the alleys of somewhere beyond. U know when sometimes..certain memories are sooo vivid, and ur cant decide if it all happened ages ago, or just yesterday and yet an eternity would have passed in the time btween...and you know how sometimes you can miss people who are right here right now...and that's when they feel so near yet so far away...the silver lining is, it helps u put physical distance in perspective...
so much for optimism huh..

I came across this quote :
"Just because everything is different doesn't mean that everything has changed"
Isnt it interesting?I mean just think abt this one..think there;s more to it than meets the eye? maybe.

Think of me,Think of me fondly,
When we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while
Please promise me you'll try.

I think it's the incredible restlessness and listlessness that's taken over me..its overflowing into everything else..its amazing how emptiness within can overflow into everything else around and in how that same emptiness can consume all within and without. How can your heart feel empty, and yet heavy..and how can you feel such overwhelming genuine joy and happiness one second, and yet depression like a dark cloud hanging over you the next - and stranger still, both inspired by the same thoughts?? Life is so weird...Life...just...is.

When you find that, once again,
You long to take your heartBack and be free -
If you ever find a moment,
Spare a thought for me...

Argh...
Ok I shall try to write of more pleasant things....TRY being the key word, no promises.
Ok got some nice things to say to some ppl.
Ist up : junky, thanks for the positive pressure to post something..its made me force myself to break out of some state of inertia and actually type. And fr the record,was great seeing u in sch today too...finally eh. And it was niec spotting u frm afar recognizing u in that state of indecision..and walking up to u..there was something very comforting and reassuaring in the familiarity of the whole...erm...situation. But yea,thanks,was a nice start to de day..and I hope ur meeting with koala kanga went well!Yep if ur gonna be in sch on fri, we'll catch up..gimme a buzz if ur there btwn 12-4!
Next a few congratulations msgs.
i'm really happy fr 2 special goondots.
ribena berry for having passed her bar!!yaaaaaaaay! CONGRATS goondot..i'm not entirely shocked but I'm still thrilled fr ya, well deserved indeed! & we have to celebrate this - ur treat of coz!
And last but not least my dearest fungi species mouldy one,
Congrats on getting ur lovely pink ipod mini at long last, and more importantly for deciding u were gonna get it..guess this what they calling following one's heart??Well im sure ur damn happy with it, and im real happy u got it finally!NOW KEEP IT CAREFULLY AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT!!!!
Ok so what else.....

....... well.......nothing else....

Ok I'm still bored.
its back..that wretched restless, unsettled feeling

We never said our love was evergreen,
Or as unchanging as the sea
But if you can still remember,Stop and think of me...
Think of all the things
We've shared and seen -Don't think about the things
Which might have been

I wanna watch Hitch..i wanna watch finding neverland..i wanna watch shall we dance and hide and seek and even phantom of the opera (yes,AGAIN! 3rd time btw!and I'm still excited abt the prospects of watching it again....siiigh)

Think of me,
Think of me waking, silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
To put you from my mind.

I need to sobre up and settle down...get down to my readings (looks at reading package for childhood & youth) especially since one of my lectures " sociology of work" is like sitting in mr bong's econs lecture in jc... in one word, its greek to me. Sitting in this module really dsnt do much fr my identity crisis, or my nerves..well u try listening to 2 hrs of this :
Free markets, capitalist economy, planned economy, durkheim, weber and Marxist theories on division of labour and wages, industrial revolution, unions, monopolies, bourgeosis and urban proletariat
YES, MY POINT EXACTLY.
I havent gone fr my medical sociology lecture yet coz I missed the 1st one and there's only been 1 lect so far....so hopefully i will know more about it soon.. but considering its medical sociology...m not expecting much..well nothing mind blowing anyway.
Childhood and youth seems pretty fun.the most promising of my..erm....grand total of all of 3 modules this sem..content wise im excited...if only my tutor dindt sound the way she ds!! She's like the female version of 'yan can cook'....actually no im exaggerating - thts way too good..imagine yan can cook, before he learned basic English grammar!!thts how my tutor sounds. A delightful combination of bad English, bad pronunciation and an American accent acquired over 8 yrs. Painful.

Anyway all u ppl out there who haven't been posting *glances at fungi* - get down to it soon!!not coz u;ll earn the wrath of yogajunkie who's obviously bored and jobless, but coz I'M BORED AND RESTLESS and I don't even amuse myself anymore..so do something abt it already!

Recall those days,
Look back on all those times,
Think of the things we'll never do -
There will never be a day,
When I won�t think of you...

Cheers folks..to all the lovely times tog...the good, the not so good, the memorable..

All to be cherished.. coz in every little way... they're all very, very special.
:)

The point of no return

2005-01-20T04:12:00.001+08:00

I did IT.
i went and watched 'the phantom of the opera-the movie' and i went all by myself too...
context : its quite an achievenment coz i'm THE non-beleiver of watching movies or shopping or doing any such activity alone...the mouldy one used to do tht kinda thing..and once upon a time..when i was young and stupid and naiive and idealistic..not too long ago :S - i always told her it was sad and pathetic and id rather sit home and read a good book if i wanted to enjoy my own company, as opposed to watching a movie alone...but in retrospect i think its coz i never had the grit or guts to go alone..coz i know it takes something more to enjoy ur own company...something special..and lately i think i've been discovering that..watching the movie alone today was an experience..it gave me a sense of adventure and independance and tho it sounds sad and mock heroic...i'm glad i did it..and the mouldy one said she's proud of me and so did msgee..and these are 2 of the most individualistic and gung ho women i know..so tht settles it. no regrets whatsoever. I think im in fine company.
The movie needless to say was FANTABULOUS..it was awesome...and pure magic..attention : my dear tuna-munching chicken craving 'veggitarian' yogajunkie linguist - WATCH this movie..even if u have to steal ur sister's last 7 bux (actually better not lah, bad idea coz i want her to watch it too)...so try mr bs's last 7 bux... coz this show is worth selling ur kidneys fr!
CK : if its still showing in london, pls do watch it even if u have watched the play, and especially so if u liked it.the music needs no further recommendation...awesome and overwhelming....excellent screenplay..very well taken...and hey u might be inspired to direct a musical version of 'antha oru veedu'..complete with soundtrack which includes croaking..hehh..
Christine is soooooooooo lovely!!!!!!!!!!!!strangely enuff she reminds me of how manisha looked in '1942 a love story'.. and others who saw her agreed too!shes beautiful..and the phantom...words fail me...
siigghhh.damn....i think im in love with a phantom frm the 19th century! woo hoo! :S

.........Listen to the music of the night...............

Song of the moment : learn to be lonely
OST : phantom the movie

Child of the wilderness Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely Learn to be your one companion
Ever dreamed out in the world There are arms to hold you?
You've always known Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone.

The phantom of the mind

2005-01-19T02:48:00.001+08:00

Felt strange being back in sch today.. i was all geared up for it and even took a cab frm clementi mrt coz i didnt' wnt to be late..i reached jussssst in time to run in...or wld have been 6 mins late max but once i entered the forum i just felt like i cldnt tkae one step further towards the LT..i just felt completely uninspired adn totally not in the mood...i hate it when i feel this way..adn to make things even harder, there was this sprawling bazar with loads of (gasp) earrings!!How inviting is that - and as if i can resist?!So i quit the self-talking that i was trying to do, coz i knew deep down i wasnt gonna go in..and perhaps for more reasons than just the earrings..coz i knew i began dragging myself even before i saw the earrings stalls.
So i walked around...got 2 pairs of earrings that i'm not exactly in love with but theyre ok i guess..and then sat arnd,read my book which i'm really enjoying despite the description 'a novel about the history of philosophy' - i mean what kinda enticing intro to a novel is that?!The book is about alot more than philosophy (as a dicipline i must add,coz at time i begin to wonder if philo is just all encompassing in a way that surpasses my understanding of it all) but in any case, i managed to use some of the time well-apart from indulging myself and adding to my earring collection and then walking around talking to random people and rare familiar faces arnd sch..and later met s&s at the sci canteen fr tea of some sort ..was chatting with s(m) abt this,that and nothing in particular while waitin fr s(f) to arrive..i enjoyed the chat tho it was more of a monologue which is often the case and i;m getting used to amusing myself..so yea....s(f) has a really nice new pair of jeans..i think it really suits her and im glad she bought it..anyways after leaving sch, had a quick bite with an old friend/senior frm jc..a very impromptu plan but i'm glad we got to catch up.
U know..i intended to write about entirely different things...things closer to my heart adn mind right now...and i had totally no intention of rambling on and on AND ON about the absolute nonsense and insignificant details of my uneventful day..i mean what was all that about?!!Sigh..why is when i want to write somethnig specific i end up writing about everything ELSE in the world?!
We learnt a phrase in jc..during GP..and i remember it coz i was incharge of explaining that phrase (we each were assigned to one phrase) and mine was 'begging the question'.
This must have been the least non-sequitor thing ive said the whole time. Thanks for the applause. *deep bow

"Wishing you were somehow here again . . .knowing we must say goodbye . . .Try to forgive . . .teach me to live . . .give me the strength to try . . .No more memories,no more silent tears . . .No more gazing across the wasted years . . .Help me say goodbye.."

Such beautiful lyrics..and music...wow...Am listening to this song now...i keep playing it over and over (i go thru phases, i play every 'song of the phase' like my mantra) ...but seriously aren't these lines just so beautiful...sigh...actually..maybe i've said it (ie what i set out to say) afterall - tho its hardly in my own words - welcome to the phantom of my mind. HAH.
I think i'll make a very good female version of the phantom- dontcha think??Fr the record, I'm D.Y.I.N.G to catch the movie btw..i simply LURRRRVED the play..was mesmerized and completely absorbed in it & overwhelmed by it..the whole mystery of the man behind the mask,the music (of coz!!!) and the magic of it all.
So many memories... damn
Alrighty...i'll leave it at this for now before i start divulging exciting and scandalous details of my life (for instance what i ate for dinner and the colour of my new earrings).. i think i shall leave you writhing in anticipation,suspense and utter anguish!
*evil laffter
Ok before i start shrieking out my adaptation of the opera...i shall truly end here.
till next time..
*the phaaaaaaaaaaantom of the opera is herrrrrre...insiiiiiiiiide my miiiiiiiiiind.........

...........................

"Past the point of no return,the final threshold -what warm,unspoken secrets will we learn?Beyond the pointof no return . . .
....You have brought me to that moment where words run dry,to that moment where speech disappears into silence, silence . . ."

ps : oh mouldy one.. incase ur wondering, nope i haven't lost my mind, tho i cnt be entirely certain at this point - but i'm fairly sane i think and hardly pining in lowve or anything remotely close .. so dont let tht imagination of urs run wild coz we both knw we have (almost) equally sad lives
:) seeyya soon dude!

All boxed in

2005-01-15T02:11:00.000+08:00

Well i know its been ages since i blogged, well since i promised to blog more regularly anyway...but hey i've been busy bidding for modules which are just impossible to get coz the lowest bid points are something like 1500 and i have a grand total of..let's see..54??Happening rite.Nice..so i'm not getting the modules i really really want except for one 'childhood & youth' which i really enjoyed today and it seems very promising..so hope things look up from here..i've decided there's only so much i can do- ie : email and appeal to every single office and online appeal site possible..and i'm gonna take whatever comes my way..and try to have faith that it's meant fr me and that it's meant fr the best..*hoping some of ribena's positivity has rubbed off on me!!
So much for bidding and blogging..i havnet been doing the latter, but i've been reading..and i've enjoyed that..as for the boxes..i signed into the blogspot after so long, and its really strange coz everything's boxes..instead of the regular font with letters..weird - anyone knows how to fix that??I have no idea how this happened coz it sure dindt look like that before! :S
Anyways..sch has started..i'm still grappling with that..more so in an emotional sense...it will be so different..wont be seeing the smae familiar faces in practically every class..wont see the same faces waiting outside the classrooms and saving seats fr me in 'conspicuous corners'...won't see the same ppl walk in late..ahem..and then happily doze off in front of the lecturer..ahem ahem..hehe..wont get to goss about the gang of 4 and the obnoxious one and blink blink bow tie..sigh..well it's ok..i'm sure my own sources will keep me very much in the loop...even tho my classes fall on the very same days that they have none..and i;ll be in the other end of campus practically every other day. Well chums..we'll still be in touch i;m sure...over pasta and fruit salad & goss about the sad department! and of coz abt the progress of the so far barely existant ISMs *grin!
In a way im happy to go back to some kinda routine..but in more ways its sad..i cant decide if i wnat my uni life to end or not..i do and i dont..feels like my life is gonna be that much emptier and meaningless..it's already beginning to feel that way...so much for trying to be positive eh!!Well i did promise myself i'd get out of eyore mode and become ..er...who;s the happiest character??Roo probably coz it gets to sit in the mommy's pocket (the mommy's a kangaroo just in case u think i've lost it completely - and if u do, where the heck have u been and what have u been reading/watching?!sheesh!) so back to being happy..yea..happy baby roo..in the safe pocket..in a way, i am there but im not all that happy..
Questioning alot abt why im here and why it feels like im meant to be here but like im not fulfilling my purpose..u know how nagging that kinda feeling is..dont let me even go there..but yea..i strongly recomment 'the 5 ppl u meet in heaven' by mitch albom..the same chap who wrote 'tuesdays with morrie'..both awesome books..and this one (5 ppl..heaven) is reallyyy beautiful..i cried on the bus while reading it, i sat in the library and cried while reading it..and i finished it in one day..no no its not morbid or tragic sad or anything..its just beautiful..and alot of my own qstns seemed to at least make sense..as in i wont say i have THE answers now..but before even the qstns didnt make sense and now they do..so its a start dontcha think..so yea..read tht book folks..it;s all about the meaning of ur life and realising why you're here and why the stuff tht happens,happens. Enlightening stuff.
I dont know how this year's going to be different..i wonder if it is going to be in the 1st place..sometimes i feel a difference at the start of the yr..this year i dint..it felt like any other day..remember talkin to Lav abt it..i wonder if it has any significance that it felt uneventful and insignificant (hah)..but then again last yr i remember i had this feeling it was gonna be an eventful yr..and boyyyyyy was it eventful.. :S
ok let's not go down this lane either.
I wanna do so many things...i wanna meet up and spend quality time wtih all my friends..i wanna go for morning walks with the mouldy one...i wanna go fr movies..i wanna go cycling and night swimming..and other stuff which ive been thinking off all my life but never got down to...i want to take up classical (carnatic) music..i want to be able to sing confidently..and not croak away while dreaming of having a gorgeous voice somewhere in the distant future..i want to learn somthing new...something different..something out of my safety/comfort zone..i realise its no longer a comfort zone..its an entire comfort island..and so often i think/feel im trapped in it..imagine being trapped within your self..ds tht mean there's another self somewhere out there..within us or outside the 'core me' (here we go, the I vs Me debate.sounds familiar??)..or is there an essential self with many different aspects? Still mulling over that one..and my life is NOT a helpful case study. I wanna write..i wanna take up a course,learn about different cultures adn different kinda music...learn hindi..I wanna do more spiritually inclined stuff..and i want to find my voice and use it.. use it for worthy purposes even if its underused..i wanna travel (sob!!here's the big moment when we distinguish btwn 'want' and 'need' -- i want to do alllllll these thnigs..but i need the money 1st) - get the diff??Ok i better start working on the needs seriously...so that i get to do all tht stuff by...well hopefully before i retire,assuming i get a job in the 1st place!Which means i gotta figure out what i wanna do next.where i wanna go..and what i need to do...ok this is making me anxious..
next!!
I miss the kiddos..even the noise and the relentless overplaying of peter pan and cinderella and EVEN BARNEY - GASP!sad ..very sad..but i do miss them..Eeeks!!.something;s happening to me!Im starting to miss and get attached to kids!!Help!
I promised myself i'd stop being epiphobic and live up to the meaning of epiphany..and i promised ribena i'd try to be a more positive happy person this year...but here i am prattling on like a cross breed btwn oscar the grouch and eyore. But its ok..there's tomorrow and beyond..and the light will come back..afterall there's no such thing as darkness, only the absence of light (profound inspiration of the moment) :)
Feeling sleepy..and exhausted..(and i;m supposed to be an insomniact!this is disrupting my routine) but its been an emotional roller coaster ride, and i wonder when it'll be time to get off..i cld wait for it to stop..or i cld jump off,and be an 'agent of change' and end it myself..tht wld mean taking a risk...aah..im just tired..not gonna think abt it now,esp not in the wee hours of a sat morning!! ..so ciao fr now folks...
Till next time..keep writing... coz it gives me some inspiration (and something to do)..and dearest fungi (u know who u are) i just have to go on record adn say i lowved your journ style post!! Lookin frward to more - blogs and time tog!!

The Chosen Shelter

"That little bird has chosen its shelter

Above it are the stars and the deep heaven of worlds;

It is rocking itself to sleep without caring for tomorrow's lodging

Calmly clinging to its little twig

and leaving god to think (plan) for it."

- Martin Luther

Epiphany

2005-01-06T13:23:00.000+08:00

How does one start when when doesn;t know to..and when one doesnt know where & when one stopped at last and where to move on from and whhat to move on to..
I guess one should stop thinking so much and perhaps just start.

An email with a link to a friend's blog has inspired me to actually loook at this site again..after ages i must confess..and reading the stuff i wrote in there, i realised what i said to CK (yea i have connections- didnt u know!) , is so true..looking back at my recent posts -i thought it was catharsis but sounds more like incessant whining - neeeds an entire power generator to illuminate the darkness before its engulfs all that dare enter!Ooh.. scary.. ok i'm not trying to sound all dark and 'keep out' or anything...infact quite the contrary but i'm trying to take one step at a time..to live each day, day by day..by day...sounds familiar??Ben stiller was hilarious in 'meet the parents'..wonder if the sequal lived up to expectations..hope i get to find out fr myself soon! Well anyway this was quite a timely awakening..so CK,thanks for that.

OK this bit is the official closure to the pain,calamities,personal losses & grievances and a general state of inertia,negativity & darkness (there's that word again!) of 2004..for me at least,and i'm sure i'm not alone..its been a real Tsunami of emotions (no offence meant..that's such a tragedy but there's a lesson in it fr us all..and it's not just that 'time and tide wait for no man'..Hope we all take it far deeper than that.within ourselves..) let's count our blessings and light our own candles and hang on to them..and hopefully one day, we'll spread the light beyond ourselves..I wonder if this sounds as if if i'm personally gonna bring elucidation and joy to the world..nice thought indeed, salvation and peace to earth adn all..but for now i'll aim to usher in some light and peace into my own small world...my self and every special person who's in it...aspiring to leave some stuff behind,close some doors,open some windows and move on...to 2005,tho technically it is already 2005..but hey, whoever said ive got to keep with the calendar anyway?Jan 1st is afterall just a date..it might mark a new year but if it feels like its only a new day..then how significant is that?It's more than mere words i know..got to keep working at it. But didn't someone say "a goal is just a dream until u write it down??"

Ok i shall end with the starters..hope i'll get down to the main course soon enough..
looking forward to new adventures,experiences,lessons etc etc etc.
Till we meet again - Bon Apetite' and Carpe Diem folks and faithful fans and fantastic friends.
:)

Carpe Diem

2004-11-29T11:33:00.000+08:00

need to say goodbye although you're with me.
I stand beside your grave, yet you are here.
I miss you terribly and hope you miss me,
But when I turn to you, you're always near.
I talk to you as though you lived within me,
Not changed but simply moved in from outside.
I know each day you must a little leave me,
But here, as always, you must be my guide.
You were and are and will be, just as ever,
In many minds and hearts, not only mine.
No physical event can such love sever;
Death is a dimension, not a line.
And so goodbye does not mean you are gone:
So long as I still love you, you live on.

A dear one said today, "never give up on hope and love for that will never fail you, and ALWAYS take time to think...to wonder"
That will always stay with me ..thanks.
Carpe Diem
(incidentally, the very 1st movie mm took me for and i learnt to love the movie,book and those words because of mm.)

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."

2004-11-28T12:28:00.000+08:00

"I said to Life, I would hear Death speak. And Life raised her voice a little higher and said, You hear him now." - Kahlil Gibran

DREAMING OR NOT
As in my dreams
We've brought alive That special feeling,
And no longer now Can I the difference tell,
If it is, a dream or not.
Yet one thing remains In all I know;
There's something here We have in common
In flesh or spirit I care no more,
For either way,It's ours for keeps.
I touch your substance And feel your affection,
As you do the same Of me in love.
Grateful and happy
For what we've found In each others heart,
We can now go forth
Sharing the gift (of love),
Through every moment left to live

- Oliver Mbamara

"Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come." - Rabindranath Tagore

Winds of change

2004-11-16T05:14:00.000+08:00

I've learnt that not all questions have answers
but i hope all prayers do..
tempest, tests, turmoils and noise
but let the silence within still shine through
We have to hear it..and feel it too...
even if noone else does.
change is the only constant they say
wish things didn't change so much along the way
but that's how we have today Just as we'll have tomorrow
so much has changed -
some grown,some diminished,some left,some came back
some didn't and never will...
Let go and Let God..
Taketh the fruit and let the chaaf be still.
somethings haven't changed coz somethings never do
the tiny cold fingers, holding on tight
the wide eyed impish toothless grin
The age of innocence - what's the age limit
memories of gurgling laughter drowned out by the flood of tears
so much uncertainty so many fears
there's pain there's hurt
The little green froggie shirt
The huggy 'chimp' photograph
those who cry haven't forgotten how to laugh
It's all still there - somethings are for eternity
the child within
eclipsed.
Where's the the moon during the day
things have changed,Things change.. they always will
There's no such thing as darkness,
only the absence of light
Now there might be just sorrow and pain
but there's no rainbow if there's no rain
There IS sunshine,
And we have a choice
Choose the light no matter what the plight..
Ah
But there it is!
that familiar feeling..that faint glow
a fading memorow..a glimpse of a shadow
Life's a gamble day by day
somethings we lose, somethings we gain
All is not lost...spring brings life after the frost...
Somethings will always, always remain

- Random Ramblings

For i composed the music of the night

2004-11-02T20:16:00.000+08:00

The soul stirred....
and awakened a dream
and on the wings of destiny
the dream came true

Fell in love with these words...small cosy little bookstore in eastbourne, where the shop lady was so pleasant..the huge dollhouse..so many memories..coming back in flashes..
dont know why i thought of these words, just came to mind..probably got deeper meanings to do with the subconscious etc..but i'm not even going there..i don't have an ounce of energy (is that the measurement for energy, i'm so used to saying ounce of fat, ive adopted it for energy..sounds better than drop) left in me..both mentally and physically spent..ive still got one and a half essays to write by tomorrow, a grand reassuring total of 4000 words or so..and god bless blingblingbowtie, he's such a darling coz he extended the deadline..otherwise id have a 3rd essay also due tmrw..and that would be nearly 6000 words altogether.
i shldnt have written all this..it's not helping...lately i've realised i'd be much better off if i said less, alot less, or bette still nothing at all..
suits me fine fr now..coz everytime i open my mouth its only coz ive got to yawn..and that in itself is tiring..maybe its psychological, i dont think so tho.
I'm burnt out..at my wit's end...and wick's end (in line with the metaphor of burning out,candles,wick etc..)...ok so much for wit, that's come to an end too.
Everything actually seems to have come to end , except this wretched week and the damn deadlines that is.
Journey's end...
more memories...frm long ago...sec 4 days..my warped adn slightly nutty lit teacher who i swear owned/wore 2 outfits her entire life, (well fr the 2 yrs that she taught me,anyway..we knew that what she was gonna wear tomorrw was always exactly what she had worn yesterday...i wonder if she's updated her wardrobe by now,7 yrs down the road..she must have, i hope, at least bought 2 more outfits since), the nice big classroom with curtains and how all of us 8(?) indian girls sat in the smae row by the window..how i bawled my eyes out the night before O levels, not coz i was stressed but coz the impact of osbourne's death hit me hard just then..adn more recently the play lavz and i caught in london..the pudgy santa clause looking osbourne who was all i envisaged him to be and more..who's 'death' still brought tears to my ears, the same dull ache,lump-in-throat feeling of hollowness..bumping into stanhope off stage, in plain clothes...and sleeping all the way back in the train ride..arriving in camb,cold,sleepy,waiting for cab in the rain...
i loved the cabs, the big ones with the sliding doors..rite frm the 1st one i got on, to the last one i got off..
sliding doors indeed...
shall succumb to sleep..can't fight anymore.

'The Cold Within'

2004-10-31T22:45:00.000+08:00

Just want to share this lovely poem...sad but so true..

'The Cold Within'

Six humans trapped by happenstance, in bleak and bitter cold
Each one possessed a stick of wood, or so the story's told

Their dying fire in need of logs, the first man held his back
For of the faces 'round the fire, he noticed one was black

The next man looking 'cross the way saw one not of his church
and couldn't bring himself to give the fire, his stick of birch

The third one sat in tattered clothes, he his coat a hitch
Why should his log be put to use to warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought, of the wealth he had in store
And how to keep what he had earned from the lazy shiftless poor

The black man's face bespoke revenge as the fire passed from sight
For all he saw in his stick of wood, was a chance to spite the white

The last man of this forlorn group did naught except for gainGiving only to those who gave, was how he played the game

Their logs held tight in death's still hand, was proof of human sin
They didn't die from the cold without

They died from the cold within.

"Stars hide your fires..
let not light see my deep and dark desires"

'It's not the mountain that we have to conquer, but ourselves'
- The 1st man to ever climb the everest.

Before the rain

2004-10-25T00:54:00.000+08:00

Caution : This one's gonna be depressed and depressing..DO NOT CONTINUE if you're not feeling ecstatic at this point...on 2nd thoughts,maybe not even then.
Ok u have been warned.
I hope this is just a passing cloud..a grey one at that...been so busy trying to block things out of my mind..and not let stuff get to me too much.....everything's moving so fast..days and weeks merging into one another..i hate it when boundaries start blurring..time and time again we forget the things that matter...sometimes its being there for others..sometimes it's being there for ourselves...sometimes its just the confidence that others are there for us..then why does it feel like nothing is ever enough...shld it all really matter this much? I;m busy..tired and stressed and anxious and worried..but i can get used to these...(infact come to think of it, they're a blessing at this point..keeps the emotions away...its comforting being on mechanized mode..coz u feel kinda numb...and u can get used to it)
the emptiness is taking a while tho..maybe i'll never get used to it..hopefully i will.
weird how u can feel soo weighed down and burdened and empty at the same time huh...one of life's many contradictions...
maybe we are better off as islands..isolated...and self sufficient so we dont get too emotionally reliant on anyone..and there are no expectations...and that way, we wld just be there for ourselves and that would be enough..
idealism again....oh well old habits die hard they say..
guess that's why its so difficult...but i do beleive in paradigm shifts...it'll come, its just a matter of time.
Oh gosh this is so not the way i wnat to start this week..there's jst so much to be done i can't afford to be in this mode/mood or whatever this is..i hope i'll wake up tomorrow and feel light (ok fine this is asking for too much)...anything but the way i feel now.
It's funny how sometimes...what u feel u need most rite now...is exactly what you don't have.
Or is that
what you don't have, is exactly what u feel u need most rite now.
Don;t know if there's a difference...probably not.
And did i say it was funny....
hah.
Oh well tomorrow's a brand new day...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change
The courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom
to know the differnce.

- serenity prayer, one of my all time favourites.

Gone Lippi

2004-10-20T19:44:00.000+08:00

(By the way...There's a lipstick/lipgloss called born lippy right???sounds familiar...)

And so the presentation is finally over...note : i still have one more next friday..and that too is in an all too familiar unsettling state of uncertainty and confusion...but we'll stumble and stutter our way thru...like we usually do..like we did today certainly.
The class is just so damn intimidating...i know ive never been big on presentations or anything...but i think after all the practice ive had thanks to my 4 years in this wonderful supposedly reputable world class educational institution. I wonder how many maxims i just flouted/violated (i don;t even know the damn difference and im presenting on this stuff next week..and the best part is, This topic is like THE ONLY topic i've actually managed to sorta comprehend in the entire semester of..ok ive lost count but at least 9 lectures i guess...happening....or as ribenaberry would say in her characteristic inimitable way, i'm simply the champion.
Today's Lippi-(better not use any adjective,can't trust myself at this point)-green's presentation wch me and crabby did was so...bleaagghhh, to quote crabby (she says it best, with the classic and most apt expression!!!)...actually it was a bleaggh reading right from the start...i didnt mind reading it coz it was actually interesting (ok fine i find anything ideological interestig, im obsessed with ideology) but that aside...coming to grips with it was another matter all together..was so hard to deal with the reading (altho it's pretty comprehensive)...structuring our ideas and analysis was quite a challenge and though i thought it was going well and we did discuss some really good points...it seemed like the end product was a let down and didnt reflect the effort,time,energy,stress,lost-sleep and cab fares that went into this presentation. I tihnk the class threw us off...it[s pretty disarming...yea yea i know it sounds like an excuse..like its always THEM not ME but some of us will know what im talking about. The (ahem) audience, with a few chweet exceptions, looked at us like we were were rattling off in hebrew...i mean i can understand fr myself..coz later my prof told me i covered 5 slides in like 2 mins or something (someone pls inform guiness)...so that's worse than hebrew...but crabby was clear...more nervous than usual tho(and this is a girl who asks qstns and intimidates Dr.' blink blink bow tie' to no small extent!)...but she was clear and i know we had gd points...had more points that we didnt say but stuff we said was pretty ok....right??? Oh well..on the whole i guess all is not lost...in terms of relative performance i don't think it was waaay below standard..er...ok i might be presumptious about this but i don[t intend to let tihs rainy dreary wednesday depress me any further. Basically, i shall celebrate the end of my 2nd last presentation this entire semester - purely metaphorically speaking coz i have another presentation next week and there's no time to do that, let alone celebrate.And after that there will be lets see..3 term papers in a row of a mere few thousand words each..and then voila! Exams! haaaaleyloooyah! (fr the record, i do know how to spell it, i'm just trying to write it the way it sounds)...come to think of it, if only language was like that, we linguistics majors wldnt hav such a miserable life..well we may not have anything much to study but there IS more to life...one has to rememember that though it takes considerable effort.
Speaking of which....
where did the semester go???I still remember 1st day of classes...but then again, i still remember 1st day of Uni when me and crabby got lost perpetually (tihngs havent changed mch) and when we still called each other to plan what we wld wear to sch on cultural fridays.
I hate feeling nostalgic...it dsnt help!!
Its 8.10pm im still in the damn computer cluster..too saturated to go to the study area and do any work...too exhausted to do any kinda browsing/borrowing...too depressed and stressed to go home...also it feels funny that i CAN actually leave at 8..after 1.5 weeks of leaving sch no earlier than 11pm.
Feels weird not doing certain things that ive always managed to incorporate into my schedule no matter how hectic its been..or despite circumstances, there's always been time fr certain things/ppl..somethings have always been a given....and it might just be me getting into my hyper-analytic paranoid state...but something deep inside dsnt quite feel at ease..i know things are changing...i knew they would and they have to...but i'm still so much the kid i was...change is still very unwelcome...somethings take a while to get used to..a looong while...
i'm not gonna dismiss the idea that change is perceived...lots of things are..but i aint going to dwell on this anymore than i have to coz a large part of my presentation today was on perceptions....so...go figure.
Oh well...ther'es just no pleasing some ppl...when i don't feel upset about a certain change, i worry about it...and then when i DO, i worry about THAT TOO. i tihnk the 2nd half of my name shldnt be 'ari'....it shld be 'worry'.
Feel so out of control...and its supposed to be MY LIFE!!!I'm a control freak i know...Actually if my name had 'control' before it, tht wld be perfect...it wld be alliteration too...and nothing wld describe me better. Control-kumworry. WOW.
iF any of u are actually still reading this,
1) i reallyyyyy am sorry coz i tihnk ur life must be more sad and pathetic and messed up than mine
2) u probably dont hve a life - ur not alone.I havent had a life my entire life. Try analysing that!
3) u think i'm either losing it,lost it, or getting suicidal. ok here's the consolation, i;m not suicidal so don't worry more than u need to...otherwise, i'll get start developing an identity crisis as well..hmm...can one develop an identitiy Crisis?? ok ok i'll shut up.
(see..here i am, i dont know if im talking to myself or to others..though i spewed a whole lot of bigtalk and nonsense about how the point shld be the former and bla bla...right now i don't care anymore lah.I'm talking ("talking") and i'm also "listening"to myself...whether or not there's readership is immaterial...i must admit i am happy to know when ppl do read though..and comment... :)

I wonder if we really should have analyzed blogs fr ID project...the whole written vs spoken registers thingi...might have been quite fun actually...(except perhaps explaining the concept of blogs to my group mate who's of a different generation might just be a little too trying fr me.)

I need to end this, before i start getting hatemail from my faithful reader fans (ha HA)...or i might get banned frm blogging, or sued for 'threat to other's positive mental states.'...for my dear friends who are reading this....i'm sure u know im fine and just being me.I'll be fine tomorrow morning. Hope u guys are hanging in there ( i hate this term but i've got to use it, for the want of a better cliche, and really, my head is heavy but i feel all floaty..i tihnk its the lightness that's come upon me ever since my mind went missing.)

Ok com cluster gonna shut down...so i really REALLY should shut up now.
Ciao folks till another "lambchops sing along coz they dont have deadlines" sessions.
Oh and of coz, a quote...never appreciated it before but now its become my mantra.

"The world sux....but then again, if it didn't, we'll all fall off"

And miles to go before i sleep

2004-10-08T20:01:00.000+08:00

The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
– Robert Frost

Don't feel like saying much..i'm exhausted...and feel like i just can;t enuff sleep..feel numb and out of control and .........
The human mind is a fascinating thing..the depths of it...the dimensions to it..complex beyond imagination.. unfathomable...do we ever really know anyone, including our ownselves?
And life..really..where are we going..how much to let go how much to hold back..how to know...oh so many questions..
Too tired to think...is there any point??

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity."

i've come to realise (at this point at least..i'm sure tomorrow there will be a whole new conception)...I;m not going to conclude anything.. For now.. Life, i think, just is.

Oh well, we all have our own questions..and who really knows the answers rite..we're in it together adn we'll help each other along the way, even if its the case of blind leading the blind..we may not have all the answers, but we have each other.

To end of on a positive note...

"Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. "
- Letters to A young Poet

Isn't this reassuring?I do actually feel better, if nothing else.

Analyze this

2004-10-05T01:24:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when something happens...we don't give it much thought..we jst let it go..and then other things happen, and u sense some remote relation between the events...and somethings click and i think that's when and how the most duh things hit you..

Was talking to 2 good friends today(ribena berry & pooh)...and incidentally, they were saying differnet things to me..and both kinda inspired this contemplative ..er..mood, for the want of a better word.We were talking, seperately about the concept of time and also friendship..for a bit of background... both these wonderful,wonderful people have been a part of my life for quite a number of years now.. but for different reasons which i never really thought much about, we didn't develop our relationship...they were both my friends, perhaps a little more than acquaintances..when we met up/talked we had a good time and that's about it. i liked them both alot but had my own insecurities and was extremely absorbed wthin in my own little circle of friends..my comfort zone and safety space, which is the case till today and that's somethnig i'll not want to change for the world...i'm more convinced everyday that even if that circle expands, or evolves into some other shape, it will remain as special and indispensable to my life.Recently ive been thinking there is so much more out there...so many others, whom we can share with, learn from, and once we get past the little bubble we set around ourselves in, we discover so much more, both within and without...and often its not coz we dont want to take the 1st step..its just that we dont see the need to..we're contented in our own worlds...in blissful oblivion..until sometimes, things change so much..and somethnig drastic happens, which forces u out of ur own shell..and then u realise how much you have shut out and you wonder why u didnt see certain things before..but like i say, it's never too late to make a start in the right direction...adn step out into the sunshine! (ribena u've heard this one - and i'm sure u know what i mean - since u'r the fresh air fish - i mean person and all)

Been reflecting alot on another friend recently..(can't think of a name fr her now but someday i will..and it'll be synonymous with strength.)..and some changes & challenges she's been going through..realised how much time we've let slip by and how much has transpired in that time...i wish i had been there fr her...though i hope..and beleieve she probably had her own guardian angels, those who were meant to be there with her at that time, to help her through... i'm sure everyone goes through a bad patch at some point or other..and during our darkest moments we cling on to the little hope we have and even when we know there are ppl who care and are always there for us, we feel so terribly alone and so afraid..i dont want to be mighty mouse (those who know me would know how ridiculous and ironic this imagery is btw) or try be the knight in shining armour there for every damsel/dope in distress (excuse the sexist cliches!!)...but i dont want to look back and ask myself "where was i , when my friend needed all the support she could..when she needed it most??"I'm working on improving my relationships with ppl in my life now..smethnig i wish i had done much earlier..and not after/because i came this close to losing someone..but that;s how it is in life isnt it..we dont really value many things untill we lose them..or come close to it. I just hope and pray that somewhere somehow alarm bells will go off in my head before it really is too late...

Was telling this friend of mine, (pooh) about waiting for godot, this awesome book i did for A level Lit..one of those phenonmenal inspiring things which make all the sense in the world despite and through the abstraction and overwhelming sense of emptiness and nihilism...very meaningful.Those who've read this will know what i'm talking about.So i was trying to tell Pooh about this play, but of coz u can never really communicate all that it embodies.....well she wsa saying somethnig about how she was just waiting..and waiting and waiting...and that's waht sparked it off...and i told her about this play where these 2 guys do just that..they wait, day after day, for godot..they dont know who/what godot is, how he looks, when/how he will come or if he will ever come in the 1st place!So they just wait..and each day resembles the day before with minor changes here and there...blurring boundaries..but after a while, as the reader you know the pattern...but they just live it.

Such is life my friends..we're all waiting for our own godots, sometimes we dont know what we're waiting for and it actually passes us by..but life goes on..and all we can do is live.I dont mean to end off sounding morbid or tragic..infact a sublime sense of peace and order has taken over...and this doesnt happen too often so i shall bask in it for a while...

Oh..until i i need to go get started working on my presentation which is coming closer..too close for comfort..
looks at the clock... :s
Did i say sometimes we get a slap of reality when we least expect it, but most need it???
*Bubble bursts*
Carpe Diem

Back with a vengeance

2004-10-02T16:37:00.000+08:00

i realise its been a while....
But i'm back (ok yogajunkie stopped beaming....heh)
After what happened the last time i tried to write something, i thought that was the end of my blogging phase..but guess i'm back here again so maybe i'll give it another go.we all deserve a 2nd chance, even computers,technology...adn...er..blogs.yea..
thing is, there was one night a long time ago (think its been 3 weeks) when i came home from a particularly inspiring dinner session with some family friends...it was very enlightening and really helped me to reflect on things i've been wondering about alot, and yet not quite going anywhere with it..getting lost in my thoughts, that kinda thing. We talked about God and religion and reincarnation,the soul etc..felt good at the end of it and even tho i still had questions.. i was inspired to think more about it..it was one of those lonely nights online...fri/sat night i think so hardly anyone else except urs truly was online...so i sat and typed in here..a long,long LONG blog on everything...that conversation,my thoughts,fears..just everything and it was such a nice blog coz it realy flowed. Until i decided to save it, coz something gave me a feeling i was gonna lose it all if i didn't...u know how sometimes u get this ultimate feeling of BLISS and everything's just perfect, so perfect u just knw something's probably gonna go wrong somewhere sooon..yea..so i hit the f12 key and that did it.
Lost the ENTIRE thing. the feeling of emptiness and disbelief that ensued is indescribable..was surprisingly calm...just sat there taking in the the hollow feeling...call me dramatic but i told myself this is how women feel when they hav a miscarriage. oF coz i cldnt bring myself to rewrite that blog..or write anymore fr quite a while after that night...
In retrospect...i was thinking about it.... the whole point of me doing this, is a form of release, catharsis (one of my favouritests words!) for my own sake...and i achieved it by simply letting it all out when i typed it..i was disappointed of coz when i lost it coz i cldnt post it and share it and read back and feel a sense of pride and think, "i wrote this!"...but hey, not all's lost..the point was to reflect , and i did..objective achieved. I'm glad i've been able to log in and face this page again after that night.
Not that this kinda thing is new to me or anything...it's been worse - in my 1st sem of my 1st yr in uni... i had just written an entire essay (lit term paper) of 2500 words..and was at word count ..when i did something, and lost the whole thing. Cldnt retreieve it..and it was 5am...essay was due later that day.Then, i panicked..i sat there and almost went ballistic..cried my eyes out...desperately tried everthing,until i realized there was nothing else i cld do and i might as well rewrite it while thoughts were fresh.And so i did..and i did terribly fr that paper too btw.
Lesson 1 : always save continually while typing long essays/blogs/emails etc
Lesson 2 : f12 is not the universal save key. For blogs, it deletes,so don't be lazy..do the usual copy/paste thing

So anyway...I might have actually updated this sooner but been swamped with work..huge buffet of deadlines term papers and presentations and tests coming up...*senses nods of agreement and empathy*...but hey..just DIG IN FOLKS!! We'll live, and get thru...as we did last semester and the ones before...

ps : If u never hear from me ever ever ever again..pls ignore the above paragraph and know that i died in the process of writing some term paper which i never completed..and never saw that disgusting grade..or that i died of stress and stage fright in the middle of my 1 hr presentation....and if u have to remember all that crap i said here - let it serve u as a warning not to be disillusioned and fatally optimistic.

" optimism killed her" they'll say.

Parting shot : " Everything's ok in the end....if it's not ok...it's not the end"

Don't u just love contradictions??
:P

Driftwood

2004-09-09T04:17:00.000+08:00

It felt so good..just lying there in the cool clear waters, not splashing about or moving, just lying still intoxicated by the slight bobbing sensation.The feeling came back when i tried to sleep last night and shut my eyes...and i started floating again..its exactly what happened when i spent a day at the escape theme park on all those rides...i couldnt; sleep that night coz it felt like i was still swinging high on the viking ..it was the most interesting sensation.Of course it was also one of the best times i had had in my life...had a fab time with the mould and pl..went on all the rides (almost all)...and that loooong walk to the foodie place...talking the whole way about so many things...memories flood back..made all the difference to my b'day.. i wouldn't have wanted to spend my 21st in any other way..i really wanted pastry to be there..was even sore about it fr a while..but things happens...and well, in retrospect, pastry being there wld have been a bonus but the day was perfect as it was.
So yea..yesterday was amazing.Another memorable day added to my list - and hey that's quite an honour! :p The ocean is really therapeutic..open waters has taken on a whole new meaning for me (and yes, i still wanna watch the shark movie!!)..it felt so liberating and empowering..the vastness of the sea...different shades of cool blue waters so clear i could see the jellyfish floating about and the fish.It was an out of the world experience..but the again, the place was out of the world i live in anyway.Mayang Sari(remote traditional resort in bintan..very modest but beautiful in simplicity..thanks Mm and auntyL for showing us such a wonderful place and such a good time)...unspoilt beauty...natural splendour...so Laid back, still,rustic and oh so simple that it hurts to come back..back to all this. Also it hurt to say bye to these wonderful ppl..who planned this all...one of the rare times tht i felt such love,mutual love radiated btwn us and them..and actually all of us...it was all about love,simplicity and life.things that matter..ppl that matter.
In retrospect its one of the happiest times ive had with mm..since childhood...and it was grt seeing him so hAPPY..from just swimming and observing jellyfish...mm..we love you.
I'm surprising myself here..that i could have been so utterly overwhlemed by the place and... all it did to me... especially when i felt after this summer that i had seen the world (a better part of it anyway)..but this just reinforces that the simplest things are often the most beautiful.
U know how somethings move at such an alarming speed that you don't realise what hit you..time is like that...i'm feeling it more now than ever before..yesterday after a long time, i felt the hours go by..i felt the entire 24 hours of my day..and i experienced each passing moment.And it's been a while.
Life has become so mechanical..these days it feels like the day ends almost as soon as it starts..its how i make sense of dreaded things like exams...i think to myself, once it starts, it's as good as over.SOmehow thinking that of life is not a comforting thought. But life isn't just about beginnings and ends is it...its about soo much more...it's all encompassing. but i wonder, if we would even have time on our deathbed to think of the in-between....i've left so much behind...things,people,memories,episodes....Would any of it count for anything?Hopefully.

Beckett had it all figured out...
at the end of the day, we're all waiting for our own godots...and all said and done..perhaps life really comes down to just this :

"They give birth astride of a grave,
the light gleams an instant,
then it's night once more"

This, to me, makes all the sense in the world.
I feel like i'm searching for something i never actually lost...oh wait...it's more like i'm not sure if it's lost...and sometimes, i don't even know waht i'm searching for anymore.Maybe i;m the one who;s lost...
But wouldn't you be..if you constantly feel like you left something someplace along the way... and you were looking for it everywhere else?

Quizotic

2004-09-05T02:38:00.000+08:00

Yea yea..this is stolen from wannabecow...finally something interesting and unlike the same old thing..(i see yoga's done it too...beat me to it eh!) :p

1.Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
And the sun came flooding out again,sharpening the edges of the long shadows,warming me,lifting my mood. (Mrs deWinter)
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?: My watch.
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?: A really cool documentary on vicious snakes...fascinating!!
4. WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is: 2.15?
5.Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?: 2.56 (i seriously should sleep asap!)
6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? the fan and cars passing by downstairs (love supreme playing in the background..sigh.. so many memories)
7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?:Last night. To meet Lavz.
8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?: Hotmail and before that 2 friends' blogs..(this is getting to be an unhealthy obsession!) but that's how i got inspired to do this quiz thingi.
9:What are you wearing?: White nightgown with little lavender flowers
10: Did you dream last night? Don't think so..if i did i certainly can't remember!
11: When did you last laugh?Just a while back when my sister successfully got my bro out of the toilet (no humble feat!)..she scared him out of there by reminding him of some ghost story his teacher had told him.
12: what is on the walls of the room you are in? bulletin board cum photo collage and a poster "the final analysis" which i love.
13: Seen anything weird lately?: Yea...nothing surprises me anymore..i'd begin to worry when i stopped having weirdo encounters.
14: What do you think of this quiz?:Pretty fun to do..guess i'm in de mood for it too.
15: What is the last film you saw?:The Village!Luvved it!
16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:This is hard...not gonna answer this...1stly i can't decide coz there are sooo many things.. and sides, it's probably gonna change within the next 10 mins.

The Thorn Birds

2004-08-28T13:26:00.000+08:00

"There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth.From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one.Then, singing among the savage branches,it impales itself upon the longest,sharpest spine.And dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark, and the nightingale.One superlative song,existence the price.But the whole world stills to listen, and God in heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain..
or so says the legend...
....At the very instant the thorn enters there is no awareness in it of the dying to come, it simply sings and sings until there is not the life left to utter another note.But we,when we put the thorns in our breast, we know.We understand.And still we do it...Still we do it."

How true.This reminds me of 'the nightingale and the rose' by oscar wilde...one of my all time fav poems..its ironic, sad and beautiful and at the same time teaches us to really put things in perspective...along with a few valuable lessons :
1)Nothing is worth dying for - not even love, and not even if the dying party was a nightingale.
2)Don't die for the sake of someone else's love.
3)Life goes on......no,really.
4)We always have a choice.Even if u'r dying a slow and painful death with a thorn piercing through ur heart...u cld choose to sing till the end...a bit like the musicians who continued making beautiful music as the titanic sank..?

Song in my head right now :

Some day, when I'm awfully low,When the world is cold,I will feel a glow just thinking of you...And the way you look tonight.
Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warmAnd your cheeks so soft,There is nothing for me but to love you,And the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows,Tearing my fear apart...And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,It touches my foolish heart.
Lovely ... Never, ever change.Keep that breathless charm.Won't you please arrange it ?'Cause I love you ... Just the way you look tonight.

:)

wannabe-anonymous

2004-08-24T12:12:00.000+08:00

Just for the record, (this is more of a self-clarification) the wannabe here is the adjective form, and not the declarative verb(??) i-want-to-be.
Oh and by the way if one doesn't get what the hell i'm talking about, one shouldn;t worry..really.Coz i think normal people don't talk or think in terms of adjectives, verbs, determiners etc..this is the process of contamination that takes place when you bombard your fresh unadulterated mind with stuff you dont' really comprehend or like...but you gotta pretend u do.. for the sake of...well your own sanity for one..and alot of other things including the fact that you need to be/seem/sound/feel intellectual and academic.
HAH.
Did i mention that i believe that we're all intelligent and creative and receptive to knowledge and naturally inquisitive until the day we begin some form of formal education?Did i say believe?I'm convinced.
Was talking to my mom about it the other...have you noticed how kids in pri 1..and pre- kindergarten/nursery are so full of questions..they question everytihng...they have ideas, spirit,originality...and noone breathing down their neck with cliches like "critical analysis..process skills..creative thinking..yada yada"...they're full of energy, they don't feel conscious when they're wrong or when they dont know what to say..or have anything to say for that matter..and they volunteer, participate with enthusiasm, they're spontaneous,they're just themselves and happy about it. Then primary one happens. By the time you get to pri 6 most kids lose all that (to different extents)...next time u get the chance, walk past a pri 1 class in action, and then past a pri6 class in inertia. Now imagine these kids still have psle, o levels, a levels etc etc to get through. How much is taken away or added to the essential ME? we start off as sponges but along the way...i think we become carpets..soaking in everything - even the messiest spills which dont do a thing for us.
I feel like i've just written one of those introductions to academic/discourse essays that noone but the writer understands...and you read it and think," and this is just the bloddy beginning of the article!!" So maybe i'm on the right track afterall.
Back to the idea of anonymity (anonymousity??guess not - but sounds cuter)..i suppose one can't really be all that anonymous in here (right,appendicitis parasitis?...chortle chortle) :P which is quite an uncomfy idea..for me..but at the end of the day, i do beleive in a greater good. Afterall, seeing the way my academic non-life/ non-academic life (wonder if they mean the same thing??) is going...if all else fails, including the flower shop backup plan (seeing that i like only 4 flowers in the whole world)..and i did rot and die...someone wld declare on my tomb "maybe she could write?". Perhaps "could have written" would be more appropriate since i would be dead. Morbid..shudders.
Wonder how possible it is to write about something without actually writing about it..i mean if thats possible in speech...i should be able to pull it off here as well right.If blogging was really about catharsis, and you had to let off steam and deal with things that were sort of gnawing at you..u wldnt want the whole world to know who/what you're talking about right??or maybe its not such a big deal to some..most...everyone else? :1
Its really quite scary when you spend a lifetime convinced you were going to do something..and then you actually did it and realised that it wasn't what you wanted to do afterall..and now that you know that's not it, you don;t know waht to do..or if you can do anything at all.
Sometimes you want to do something soo badly that the anxiety itself prevents you from doing it..(those who came up with "When u want soemthing badly enough , you get it" probably did include the above point as a P.S but it;s not an inspiring quote-worthy concept)..like the other night...i decided i was going to sleep early no matter waht coz i had to be up at 5am in order to make it on time for an early lecture...This is the kinda class you don't want to enter late,coz its impossible to be inconspicuous about it. Somehow i only made it to bed around 1-ish am and had trouble falling asleep..and the more i was telling myself to sleep NOW coz i had less than 3 hours before i had to wake up...the harder it was to fall asleep...i mean i know i'm prone to anxiety attacks but this is rather extreme i think!Eventually i did fall asleep, but i swear my alarm went off like 10 mins later. The phrase "catching up on sleep" has got it all wrong..its more like sleep catches up on u - it was simply impossible to stay awake during that bio lecture..kept nodding off no matter how hard i tried. Ironic.
Ok..this entry is the consequence of a few things..but becoz i'm trying to be a positive being, i shall say it is inspired by a few things :
1) i just finished 1.5 readings which sounded exactly the way this blog would sound to someone else.
2) I still have 2.5 readings to complete and i hear one of them is the ultimate nightmare article.Gdluck to bbs and ssi who are presenting on it.
3) i have to do all this by tonight, including tuition. Yea, i tutor toads.
4)part of me is thinking, even if did do all of it, i'm probably gonna sit in class and look like i was still grappling with letters of the alphabet.

ok i'm tired.sides...ppl were right aobut the impact of seeing your thoughts in writing.After looking at the list above, its hit me how much work i have and how little time. Which would mean i should have started..................a few hours ago.

End-of-Rant.

2004-08-21T02:22:00.000+08:00

Can't believe i'm actually doing this...typing in here..blogging as they call it now..i've been reading friends' blogs and i really liek reading stuff they write...makes me laugh, or feel emotional or simply reflect on things...and i learn more about my friends thru their writing..stuff i may never realise or see otherwise...but just 2 days ago i was telling my bestfriend how although i really found it (the concept of blogging, and my friends' entries) interesting and stuff..but that i cld never actually write my own blog..cldnt imagine typing out thoughts...feelings..just mundane stuff even...that i was more of a talking person..i am..i usually feel much better once i talk about stuff, be it gd or bad...and if i reallyy had to let some stuff out that i wasnt ready to share with anyone, i scribble..random lines...sometimes what i consider abstract poetry. so yea..that was just 2 days ago, our conversation...when i was so convinced blogging wasnt my thing.. and here i am..just goes to show how much thnigs can change just like that..well the long and short of this whole thing is, basically this is a 1st fr me..my 1st entry.i'm just writing random stuff...witohut even thinking about wht to say next..if that even makes sense..just going with the flow of my thoughts...so let's see where they take me.
I guess everything is a matter of timing...i really do beleive in how there's a right time and place fr everythnig..i beleive it now more than ever before..but sometimes everything just seems so meaningless and sort of...u know..directionless and futile and empty..that i wonder if i'm just deluding myself.Perhaps there are some qstns best left unanswered - fr the time being at least.Not trying to sound deep or philosophical..its just the mood/frame of mind i'm in i think..though sometimes i think its a phase, and a damn long one at that.
Ever get a feelnig youre just trapped in ur life...not like a cage animal in the zoo or anything hlaf as dramatic...just tht you feel youre not really you...like if the stuff u wore wasnt really ur sense of style, and if the stuff u said wasnt what u were actually thinking off..and if waht you were doing with ur life wsnt anything close to waht u can see youtself doing..or what u had envisioned for urself in de beginning of time..?i mean forget out of body experiences...this is more like an out of life experience.
sometimes i think everything is just shining and happy and that i'm in harmony with the universe and that everything is exactly as it is meant to be.
i really hope thats true..coz its a comforting thought...and i try to beleive in it esp when its getting harder and harder to.
Its funny how u can go to bed feeling that way, and wake up the next day feelnig exactly the opposite...melancholy and just bitter about stuff and feeling like everything about your life was wrong adn that nothing is the way its supposed to be...but u know whats scarier than that??The thought that perhaps evrything was infact the way its meant to be - and this is it.
ok see..its when i go down this road (happens quite a bit) and start to depress myself (evne more) and scare myself while i'm at it that i tell myself, stop rite here and end the night before the feeling takes over.So i think thats waht i shall do now.If i ever do get possessed again by the same spirits, i might just be back again..this is life afterall..anything's possible..
...or i might just wake up tomorrow morning...happy and contented and convinced that everything was fine and that i was living my dreams and making the most of my life and being exactly the kind of person i'd like to be and of coz feel more strongly than ever that blogging isnt my kinda thing...who knows?
...U know wahts weird...i used to think, if i EVER for some reason decided to blog some day..id write something happy and lighthearted and funny...and not something which screamed out the words psycho..but well .. like i said, this is life.... you just never know.