Blue Bayou

Song of the moment : Blue Bayou
Album:Simple Dreams

I feel so bad, I got a worried mind;
I'm so lonesome all the time
Since I left my baby behind on Blue Bayou

Saving nickels, saving dimes;
Working till the sun don't shine
Looking forward to happier times on Blue Bayou

I'm going back someday, come what may to Blue Bayou
Where you sleep all day and the catfish play on Blue Bayou
All those fishing boats with their sails afloat, if I could only see
That familiar sunrise through sleepy eyes, how happy I'd be

Gonna see my baby again
And to be with some of my friends
Maybe I'll be happy then on Blue Bayou

I'm going back someday, gonna stay on Blue Bayou
Where the folks are fine, and the world is mine on Blue Bayou
Oh that girl of mine by my side, the silver moon and the evening tide
Oh, on some sweet day, gonna take away this hurtin' inside
I'd never be blue, my dreams come true
On Blue Bayou

One thing leads to another..watched a movie on tv earlier - 'Hanging Up', about 3 sister and their relationship with one another, and their old father who's a drunk and a dying dementia patient who insists on making life miserable for them in any way he can. They're caught between painful moments and bitter feelings, & yet the overarching boundless love for him - affection based on the past theyve shared and their memories of their childhood. (very nice flashbacks in this films i felt, the whole tungsten effect and something very dreamy about it, like a hazy vision which is Ethereal and yet so vivid like you're still living it right now)....imagine a slow motion carousel..spinning,slowly while images whizz past...weird analogy i know but if u catch the drift, u'll know exactly waht i'm talking about.

Nice movie, very down to earth and relatable to-able...though its brought about a whole avalanche of emotions and thoughts - very uncalled for. Serves me right for lounging around watching tv instead of sittnig glued to my seat trying to make sense of Karl Marx's theories on capitalism and communism. I hate terminology, i've been saying this since i was in primary school but noone seems to get it or take me seriously enough. I was doing my readings ok!Except this movie caught my attention coz the old father looks soo much like Morrie (from tuesdays with morrie) , & fr a minute i thought that it was that movie they were showing. Honestly, i dont regret the break. I do wish i could shake of this strange feeling that's come over me though. a bit stifling, like being wrapped in a thick woollen blanket on a warm day.
Right.

Back to Marx :

" Even in the condition of society most favourable to the worker, the inevitable result for the worker is overwork and premature death, decline to a mere machine,a bond servant of capital, which piles up dangerously over and against him,decline to more competition and to starvation or beggary...
...This class has always to sacrifice a part of itself in order not to be wholly destroyed...
...The goal of the economic system is the unhappiness of this system."

Oh boy.....this what they call a reality slap on the face man.

The long dark tea-time of the soul

No i dindt make that title up - its a book i;m reading now by douglas adams..the guy is hilarious!Ever read 'the hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy' ??' - such subtly classic sense of humour!
So anyway im readnig this book and its amusingly bizarre. but i think rite now, i'd read just about anything except a DIY instruction manual or my notes.
ah
the notes. back at the same point again.life really is a circle. lots of things are circle come to think of it...round is a nice shape to be...wonder why the world has a problem with that!Ironic in itself..but well, that's life.
Feeling a bit ruffled, like my mood(y) cat..
read some depressing news and it's a bit disturbing ...some yrs ago i dont think it would have really had an impact..hmm..sign of ageing perhaps...must ask mouldy if this is how its gonna be.... *hehe..ducks to avoid the flying brick from tasmania*
The revision aint going anywhere..my thoughts just can't stay put and i'm craving mexican food, no thanks to jazzy for that conversation!!!
This is what food and fun deprivation can do to a perfectly normal, happy,wonderful, smart & happening human being.

*Piqued*

Some quotes, courtesy of douglas adams, for ur amusement & more importantly, mine :

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened"

He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife

Anything that happens, happens. Anthing that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Anthing that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again. It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order, though

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Life? Don't talk to me about life! - (The hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy)

Epiness!

I might be the 1st and last person u'd ever meet, who cld not locate her exam seat, despite having checked her seat number, and the seating arrangement guide 3 times..everyone else just streamed in and found their seats somehow...not urs truly. Things are never that straightforward or it wouldnt be my life now wld it. So there's me..me who woke up early, and pre-booked a cab to avoid being late and related stresses...me who got to sch an hour early, me who checked the seating plan 3 times...me who paced up and down getting more stressed as the room got quieter and as more vacant seats got filled..finally gave up and went up to the invigilator like a blind dingbat and told her meekly that i cldnt find my seat.
*slaps forehead.
Read : I'm in my final semester of uni and still cant find my seat no 27 in a classroom...even a kindergarten kid cld have done better than that.
Well i'm proud to declare that i found my seat and finished the exam...ITS OVER!
Finally, the end of medical sociology fr good!
I never have to read anything on subjective perception or preventive health behaviour again...
i never have to worry about knowing where the illness behaviour ends and where the sick role behaviour starts..
I don't have to try and figure out shan's handwriting thinking to myself that somethnig cld actually be harder to read than my own handwriting, and Horror of horrors - worse than bubs's and mouldy's! (note : it's not as bad as evil's though so be comforted).
I don't have to sit there wondering wht in the pink jupiter that journal was about, after having read the entire damn thing, and feeling guilty, coz if i had gone for the lecture instead of getting distracted by the shops and sales in harbour front, i might have had a clue.
No more of aunty stella's drunken lectures whereby she enters the LT right on the dot, and proudly declares she just flew in from jamaica a few hours ago and probably landed directly on campus. (of course i wld have just tumbled in puffing like a grampus out of water and waddled my way to the seat shan saved fr me an hour ago)
Today i'm a happy berry (sounds like halle barry eh.. yea yea im brain dead and lack imagination...Tuff!)
So tha'ts 1 down, 2 to go..

*Does the rumplestitskin dance*

Tonight folks, i shall sleep...and 1st thing tomorrow i shall personally cut up every single sheet of those repulsive notes.
:)

Tsk!

Watched 'man on fire' again...fell in love with the movie, the sountrack,dakota fanning AND of coz denzel washington all over again..wow. a bit depressing & leaves u with a heavy heart when it ends, but its a beautiful story and luv the artistic direction/screenplay.. so i can live with that.
Been doing a bit of everything this weekend, every other than work tht is. so much for wanting to end with a bang. i'm begining to think it'll be a wonder if i end at all..maybe i[ll be one of those helen keller sorts, who spends her entire life at sch adn graduates at 40...maybe i'll live a legacy - a glorious tale fr the autobiography. Wishful thinking, in this country & institution, they're not gonna give Einstein a chance to graduate later than the 'average' human being. So much for that.
Im sittnig here blogging abt my fears about the exams and clearing them and graduating, but am i picking up my soci notes adn reading them like my life depends on them (it does) - no sire im not. Thats the story of my life.
Been thinking about being a better human being..i think i have a long way to go..i think i should start moving...i think i shld figure out my direction and not let fellow human beings determine what kinda person i am or let external factors bring out the worst in me...ive realisied i tend to le it happen, and then i groan and moan about it when i let it happen in the 1st place.
i think i shld exert more control on myself and i shld decide how im gonig to react to things/ppl/events/mere empty words - i shld remember tht thts all they are.
I think i should stop doing / saying things out of spite without meaning a syllable.
I think i shld stop thinking about stuff and start acting upon them.
But thinking is the 1st step really, in the right direction....
as long as it doesnt end here.
But the blogging shld..coz the fact remains tht i do have soci notes tht my life depends on..
Till next time, this has been me talking to myself.
cheerio!

"Life is a train of moods like a string of beads;
and as we pass through them they prove to be
many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue,
and each shows us only what lies in its own focus."

"Thought is the blossom; language the bud; action the fruit behind it."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In-decision

So....U spend ages tossing and turning, unable to sleep, in a fix - confused and tormented by indecision,sick of weighing out the pros and cons and working out all aspects of the dilemma in your head. Then finally one day, things seem to become a bit clearer, and u get a sign (frm God,u'r convinced, or so u'd like to think)..it could be in the form of random ppl reaffirming your potential-decisions/thought processes or it could be that lucky number on the license plate of some car passing by, or as the latest trend appears to be it might be spotting a large bird circling the skies in the most unlikely of places *winks at noone in particular*...in anycase, you get that sign. and u decide on A.
And then, u start to accept A adn you're all set to deal with the decision and the after effects..you seek and get the much needed affirmation from ppl around you...be it damage control or depression-management...in the forming of signing up for pilates classes or 'volunteering' ahem to participate in a linguistics conference (peer pressure is a SAD thing) - so you feel a bit more reassured about having to make tht decision...and you start to internalise it. U nkow, decision A might be somethnig which you never even considered uptill then,but its amazing how your mind can simply assimilate it and soon it becomes the 'common sensical' thing to do, and you actually start beleiveing in it and you accept it, albeit a little reluctantly. Infact, in retrospect im inclined to think, u accept it an almost subconscious level coz you dont realise that you've accepted tht bitter decision...
Until..
...Out of nowhere, without any warning, in a matter of minutes even, something happens which turns the tables on you, everything goes topsy turvy and you'r back to square one - point A negative...the entire process is seeminlgy wasted - your resolve,decision and everything just goes for a toss. After some thought and continued indecision, you realise that the latest events are out to convince you of the exact opposite of what you had decided upon, just minutes ago. And this seems bigger and more convincing.
And so...
you make another decision wihch overwrites and overrules the earlier decision and you land upon point of decision Z.
Its interesting though, coz even though decision Z is probably the desired decision, you've already gotten used to undesired difficult decision A - and all of a sudden, its hard to accept Z..it actually is..and it feels funny.
So now, you're stuck somewhere between A and Z..leaning towards Z but unsure if A still stands...and the arguments that supported A against Z dont hold anymore, but instead, works against A & suddenly everything starts to point towards Z.....all over again.
Life is just wierd lah.....Either God has an ironic sense of humour, or he must be male.

"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay
and everything’s going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out
whenYou think everything’s gone wrong
and everything blows upIn your face......
.........Isn’t it ironic... don’t you think?"

Bittersweet Symphony

It hit me today, that we're down to the last week at uni...Yogajunkie asked if I had ordered my gown…I felt an odd mix of feelings for a fleeting moment, and then it was gone..but the bittersweet aftertaste – that stayed.Tomorrow’s officially the very last day of sch - of my academic life so far...I mean there will be a few weeks of exams, but sch per se, this is it.I feel like this is some kinda watershed...feels significant.Let me take a moment....wow…
I dont have an institution called school to go to anymore..I'm not going to be able to whine and moan and groan and make out like i'm the only studying & suffering individual in the planet and that all the cosmic forces are out to make me miserable. (i assure u it does feel that way sometimes!)
Typing out the biblio earlier, I cldnt help but keep thinking how its probably the last biblio I was gonna be typing (even tho it wasn’t exactly MINE) in a long time…and certainly not in the all too familiar settings of as 7.
I've actually become quite attached to the institution now... just being there is comforting sometimes - and im not as surprised as i was, the 1st time i felt this way.The faces u see around..the handful who've been there for about as long as u have, and some even longer…even the drink shop uncle is started make me feel sad…the acquaintances who eventually became friends I can’t bear to leave...the familiar faces in Elang class whom I’ve really missed the past sem..i bumped into some of them today and thought, this will be the last time I’m going to be seeing them around randomly along those corridors, where LIP used to be held..
So many memories everywhere..forum – all our sleepovers and all night study sessions of course incomplete without our past midnight rendezvous for cheese prata…
Can’t meet Shanu yoga and ms evil any old time…knowing they’re bound to be around somewhere, arts canteen probably, library,forum,as7 lab, SOC etc..
Ive actually gotten over missing the milo van already.
I;m feeling lost already… how much weirder is it going to be when I wake up to empty days and not have sch to go to.. all those lessons I missed/was late for, now I wish I didn’t take it all for granted. But who would have thought all those times ago that this day would come.
Who would have thought, even last sem that I wouldn’t be celebrating this end, which I had so looked forward to and prayed for every single day last semester.
And now, I just don’t want it all to end.
I was feeling alright till i started writing...i was just looking forward to tomorrow.. but now its pretty overwhelming..
I didn’t mean to write about all this... I wasn’t intending to even articulate it to/within myself, but I guess ive let it out…now I just have to let (it) go.
Suddenly, I wish I could make tomorrow last for another year.

Restless

Agitated..
Angered easily & bugged by everything
Im yelling at my mom & storming off at the drop of a red pen- she drops them all the time. (ok maybe this bit is normal)
I'm bored,listless,stressed and very unsettled. (yoga J u hit the nail on the head)
Stressed coz i shld be doing work, quite a bit of work by now and i haven't made any progress...ok ok fine, i confess i havent even made a start.
I've started reading 3 different books and i've lost interest in all 3.
I don't feel like blogging or talking to anyone.
I know...ironic.
I think my middle name is contradiction..but who am i kidding, im sure each and every one of us feels this way every now and then.
I'm not depressed...no...i mean it....really.
I'm ....angry. yes..i know...duh...but i dont knw why.
no really i dont...
maybe i shld think abt it..

Anonymous and Random

From anonymous noone , to Random anyone

You talk...I hear you
I talk...You hear me too
we dont communicate.
We hear each other...
Listening is something else.

It wasn't such a barrier before
I could hear all that you dindt say
Thoughts you were afraid to think
percolating in your mind
I could hear that too..
and i always got a feeling
you felt it with me too..

Now the silence is heavy
pauses,pregnant
Words are empty, and the laughter...
the laughter is genuine
and that binds us together
and keeps us going.
For how long?

I dont know...
Time will tell...but for once,
i don't think i want to find out.

Phir Milenge

Watch phir milenge, the bollywood version (i wldnt say equivalent) of philadelphia. Its more than just a movie/work of art...its an avenue for creating and spreading social awareness abt lots of things..Addresses important issues that we overlook on a daily basis...descrimination,human rights, emotions relationships ,fears,feelings,health,time, life-death and the choices that we have in btween the 2...we cld live to die, die to live ... live like we're never gonna die or live like we're already dead....some serious fodder for the mind and avenue for some soul searching..very moving and disturbing, but we all need a wake up call once in a while...a reminder to live while we are alive, while we can.
Random thoughts come to mind when i reflect upon the movie....
Its too early/late in the day to type coherent sentences, hence i shall just throw it out in point form....

Live life moment by moment, live life for all its moments and make each one count...

'Life is a moment. For a moment it's there and in a moment it's gone'

'i was scared...because i was ignorant' (phir milenge) .. How true. So often we fear the unknown simply coz we don't know better..

Dont walk in the shadow of doubt or fear..step out into the light and it will be your guide... (urs truly at her most inspired, during that time when the night before merges into the morning of today)

Parting shots :

"Love life... Neither the beginning nor the end knows whence it comes, for it has no beginning and no end. Life is!!" - J Krishnamurti

Today is a new day folks... Live.